does life forget??? do people forgive themselves???

Life is strange..... It gives u what u want in the most unexpected ways..... It teaches u its lessons in exceptionally clear terms with unfaltering precision and sometimes painful cruelty....... but it is not one who takes its responsibilities lightly. like a loving parent it will at first try and teach the lessons lovingly but we as humans as our nature is never understand until we get hurt so it decides to give the final lesson hard......

but the lessons are not always pleasant ones, we make mistakes, fail, give up, let down people, let down ourselves and then grieve, feel the pressure of guilt, wonder where we went wrong, why did we have to go wrong. Then we learn the lesson but one keeps wondering was there a better way to learn this lesson. Would I have recognized it in any other possible way??? Had I to undergo this guilt, this shame, this humiliation, this grief to understand such an important lesson. I guess yes...... the deeper the hurt, the humiliation, the guilt, the grief the stronger the lesson gets internalized (if learnt properly). The harder it hits the deeper it sets in, but what after it has settled in?

Once I have learnt the lesson how will I face the world? How will I look up at the one I destroyed, how do I cope with the humiliation, more importantly with the guilt? Will I ever be peaceful? Will the grief and guilt haunt me entire life?? Will I ever remain the same??? Will the relationship survive in the purest form as it existed before??? When I look at her face again will I feel the same love I once felt or now will I bear the burden of my guilt?? Will his forgiveness make my burden lighter or multiply it load???

We live on images: social image, familial image, peer group image, work place image, my image, his image, her image. This image is what we preserve with all our might, this was what was shattered in front of her, and this is what that was crushed into million pieces in his presence..... Will I survive this calamity? will this image ever be rebuild to its former glory...... it feels nice to know that idols are also humans, that they also make mistakes, they also err but what if I am the reason for this idol to be downgraded to humanity from divinity??? Will the idol ever forgive me?? Will I ever forgive myself???? Is it even a downgrading or is it even more uplifting..... Free from the pressures of the divinity I can now be pure and natural human......

I know u have seen me in my weakest, in my ugliest and in my worst and still stayed back, trusted me and not changed the way we were before.... I am grateful I am more close I trust u more or I cannot face the one person who has seen my deepest shame, how can I look at u every time I see u I see the face of one who has seen my shame..... I am not able to understand u smile is it genuine concern or scornful mockery????? What, Oh Lord! is going on in my ideal's mind right now??? Is he thanking his escape from my presence or does she genuinely feels grateful for my presence????

All said and done the basic question remains:"How do I/He/She Face the One Who Has Been a Witness to My Shame?"

lots of why's with no answer anywhere

kuch toh baat hai ki aaj aankhon se aansu khud ba khud hi jhalak pade......

gam kiss baat ka hai.... nakamyabi ka, kamzori ka, akelepan ka, ya zindagi ka???

while driving back today i thought abt this quote that came into my mind "i don't like life yet i fear death"... i don't know what i am writing . its been long very long since tears have flown down my eyes... why now... why today i don't know is it related to my HM dropping, is it related to me beings all alone in this house.... is it related to pri again feeling that i am leaning too much on someone and that i will again hurt myself in the process reminding me that how lonely and needy i really am no matter how much i try to forget it.........

what is it today... is today only the bursting out of what was suppressed for a long time or is it just abt today......what is it.......why is it....i just wish i could hold on to somebody anybody and just let my tears flow and have the person say its going to be OK.... u'll be fine.... but i guess life doesn't give u every thing u would like to have......

Difficult people are very important, - they teach you tolerance and acceptance. If all was going your way all the time, you would become a spoiled child, wouldn't everyone? Difficult people are just one of the ways God teaches us to expand beyond our egos and accept other perspectives on life.

this is my message from GOD today. i understand but still why do i feel like a wretched soul inside......i feel hurt, broken, tired, alone.. i might be victimising myself again but i cant help it...... why cant i feel and understand my own emotions, why are things so easily visible to others but not to me..... i don't "feel" anger but others can easily see that i am angry.... what the hell is that..... i am scared the feelings of death wish are coming back..... the feelings of escapism are coming back.... the feelings of being trapped are coming back...... the pattern is repeating.....i need something new...... this is getting old and forced... it no more feels voluntary thou i know im here by choice......

help me god help me help myself...... show me a way..... give me the courage and the insight and the knowledge..... save my soul tonight......

my intro to the new GF's

why am i here???

a tatttooed existence

its been a long time i have been thinking of getting a tattoo. i think i have almost decided on the design also adn where to get it tattooed also. since i came from VI and since EI got over this feeling has become very intense. it seems to me as a symbolic act for something.

my confusion arises from why am i doing this? i ahve identified the need but i am not able to identify the cause, the root cause that is. i am gonna write what comes into my mind as i always do and if u can make any sense out of it please do and yoyr feedback will be highly appreciated.

its been a desire since i think 11th std to get atttooed. i ahve been talking about it many times at home and as expected my dad is dead against it. all my life i have lived my life as my parenst wanted me to and moderating their needs to meet my desires. i ahve (except for once) never done anythng which i am sure will hurt thme and if i have done somthing then i make sure they never get to know. i know i am not the perfect daughter cause i have many times put my wishes ahead of theirs but nothing in my view has ever been so drastic as leaving an impact for life.

a tattoo will. my dad has a habit of innocently days months and years later bring up a grudge thathe holds against me while in a humorous context but that hurts me a lot........

needs raise heads again!!!!!

it is like i need that one person to tell me for me to believe it. i wont believe what everyone says. in a way i am still a very small child, testing whom to trust and whom not, intuitively deciding and observing everyone and once if i decide i cannot open up and accept your criticism or praise no matter what you do i will not be able to take your words with the same seriousness as i take that some one's words. its the same that happened between jatin and salman. when jatin said it i did not believe it, when salman said it, it struck as an insight. was it because it was salman who said it or was it because of the time and situation when he said it?????i think it was because it was salman. and now i know why it stuck me soooo hard and sooo deep because i love salman.......... i love him like a brother........... i project into him the elder brother i never had and always desired. and that is why no matter how much jatin forced us but i could never stop calling him SALMAN BHAI....... these are not just words for me, for me they are words filled with the intense emotion that is inherent in that relationship.

but what is this need to develop relationships where ever i go. i have no clue. why do i have to project a relation onto someone and then react accordingly??? i came to Gandhi fellowship to run away from my relations but i am still carrying them in my mind in my heart. how on earth will i ever be free if this process doesn't break. some people instantly become a part of you. whether they like it or not they live along in you as you.salman bhai is one, ashutosh is another. i don't know why but just sitting next to and the mere presence of either of the two makes my heart feel very nice and light. there was no need for me to sleep in the same room as ashutosh for two days but i did and we both know it was not because i wanted to listen to the songs on the radio. that was a secondary gain, but more than that it was his presence, the knowledge of the fact that he is in the same room sleeping peacefully,that was the feeling i was wanting to cherish. we may not speak a single word yet it seems like life could not have been beautiful. honestly, sometimes it feels that its for these people that i am not even think of leaving for next two years. i want to spend as much time with them as is allotted to me.

god knows whats gonna happen to me. if i keep writing like this i may resolve myself completely. but that is the beauty i know myself but i dont want to know myself.........i am goin crazzy......i am goin mad........ i am jealous of the love around me of which i cannot get a single droplet.........but i'll survive through it........ i will live through it as i have always done.

early morning realisations!!!!!

good morning,
howz life? me all fine here. wondering whats wrong with me?? welll i can say everything and nothing. life is coming into a full circle and this circle is not as big as i was thinking it will be. i can see it completely ,i can be the "neutral observer", i can keep myself away from the happenings and then think......... reflect.........introspect...........and in the end smile at the realisations and discoveries that i make.

why am i in a philosophical mood today??? have been in this mood for quite some time, but today finally it seeems something has come out of it. last night had a nice and long conversation with salman bhai.........there is some connection between us. either he gets me or i get him. somehow of all the older GF's i value his words the most and it is easy for me to accept feedback from him and not even jatin. yesterday he said that "यह बहुत बड़ी बात है की तुम ऐसा सोच भी रही हो अभी जबकि इस मुकाम पर हमें पहुँचने में बहुत वक्त लग गया था." earlier jatin or priyanka or someone else have also told me that it is a great thing that i have reached a level of realisation and ease within myself that others have not yet achieved. but it never sunk in soo deep as yesterday.

suddenly since then i have been feeling or looking at myself in a completely different light. i am no more that childish anisha who is inferior to everyone, who needs care and understanding and attention and pampering. i have suddenly grown up to be this more mature yet childish, more reflective yet ignorant and more secure and yet insecure human being. suddenly others feel like small children who need to be taken care of. small children who will come to me when they need some kind of satisfaction, some pleasure. be it release from suffering, be it humorous, teasing excitation whatever. even if they don't come it will be OK for me. that need to be in the lime light and be loved by everyone has diminished at least one degree. suddenly this self imposed isolation does not feel like an isolation it feels more like an elevated position of understanding and looking at things.

i may not be the best as i have always wanted but at least i can say that i am a little more me.i have let go of a few more defences of myself, i have come a bit closer to myself and, unlike priyanka, all this i achieved on my own. without any emotional support without any encouragement, without a shoulder to cry on. i wont take the credit away from the people who guided me through this route but i walked alone, i looked for and yet did not find any companion and then i walked alone knowing that i will never get any companion.

trust me it is hard enough to fight against your own defences than to add on the realisation that help will not come. the journey has been hard, exhausting and totally lonely but i WAS, AM and always WILL walk on. i am not a quitter i will fight one even for the worst case till i believe that i must fight. i will give in if it concerns others happiness but when it concerns only me, i valiantly tread on, on this thorn strewn path without any slippers.

की आया मौसम प्यार का

बहुत दिनों बाद आज फुर्सत मिली है की हम फुर्सत से बैठ कर आप से कुछ गुफ्तगू करें। आज यहाँ हरसू प्यार का मौसम छाया हुआ है।
its love in the air and a new couple has been added into the long list of cupid's success. dont get excited its not me. but of course, it cannot be me. after all i am reserved for that someone special, who has to come down from his heavenly throne and be my companion for life. and my Mr god is very busy right now so i'll ahve to wait till he gets time........

delusion of grandiosity.......... i deserve atleast this much. when all around people who never thought they will ever fall in love are falling in love the one person beggin to fall in love is single. the least i can do is feel grandious to make my inferiority complex go down.

our cross

Whatever your cross,
Whatever your pain,
There will always be sunshine
After the rain ....

Perhaps you may stumble,
Perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready,
To answer your call ...

He knows every heartache,
Sees every tear,
A word from His lips,
Can calm every fear ...

Your sorrows may linger,
Throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish,
Dawn's' early light ...

The Savior is waiting,
Somewhere above,
To give you His grace,
And send you His love ..

Whatever your cross,
Whatever your pain,
God always sends,
rainbows .... After the rain ...

बहुत दिनों के बाद

आज बहुत दिनों के बाद यह मौका हाथ आया है की दिल की भावनाओ को बयान कर दे। आज तक के इस सफर में, जीवन में कई उतार चढाव आयें हैं मगर सबमें एक बात एक जैसी थी मैंने सब पर विजय प्राप्त कर ली। जीती मैं आपने बल बूते पर। न कोई सहारा, न कोई साथी, हर भावना को स्वयं महसूस किया, झुझा और परास्त किया। आज बहुत दिनों बाद यह लगता है की शायद उस साथ की जिसकी तलाश हमेशा रहती थी अब उसकी ज़रूरत नही है। शायद.... शायद मैं अब उस मकाम पर पहुँच चुकी हूँ जिसमें मुझे आपने आप को संभालने के लिए किस्सी की ज़रूरत नही है... ज़िन्दगी जीने के लिए किस्सी की ज़रूरत नही है

बावजूद इसके की इस बीच में आपसे मिलने नही आई लेकिन लिखना नही छोड़ा था मैंने। आज वक्त मिला है। उनमें से कुछ यहाँ पेश करने का तोह सोचा आज यह ही काम कर लिया जाए।

1/august/2009 को शशा की philosophy की कक्षा में bore होते होते लिखी यह कविता:

ज़िन्दगी की मुडी हुई तस्वीर को सीने से लगाये बैठी हूँ,
सब कुछ खोने के बाद भी कुछ पाने की उम्मीद लगाये बैठी हूँ

क्या है यह जीना ज़िन्दगी के बिना,
आज आपने आप से हर खुशी को छीना
एक एक कर जो आंसू गिरे हैं,
आज तन्हाई में बैठ हमने उनको गिना।

न सोचा था कभी की एक दिन,
जीवन में ऐसा भी एक मोड़ आएगा ,
हर खुशी, हर आरजू, हर ख्वाब को,
यह मेरा दिल पीछे छोड़ आएगा।

तुम ऐसे हो तुम वैसे हो,
यह तोह सब कहते हैं,
पर अंतरात्मा में हम कैसे हैं,
बस येही सोचते रहते हैं।

चल पड़े हैं इस खोज की राह में तनहा,
साथी मिलते हैं रहो में, बिछड़ जाते हैं,
समेटे रखते हैं सीने में हम हर एक लम्हा,
लाख कोशिशों के बाद भी हम कुछ न कर पाते हैं।

भीड़ में चले जा रहे हैं,
न ख़ुद की ख़बर,न गैरों की,
रूबरू होने की कोशिश हो रही थी,
पर कश्ती डगमगा रही है संग लहरों की।

राह भटके है, भूले हैं, बिसरे हैं,
अस्तित्व पर भी कई सवाल उठे हैं,
हर उम्मीद हर आशा कहीं खो गई है,
दिल में शायद गम घर कर बैठे हैं।

ज़िन्दगी से मौत को जीतने की
भरपूर कोशिश हो रही है,
आज आपना अस्तित्व मिटने का,
सामान जुटाने की कोशिश हो रही है!!!!

न तुम जानो न हम!!!!!!!

na jaane mera यहाँ क्या हो रहा है.... परेशान थकान, और नींद की कमी... ज़िन्दगी की वाट लगी हुई है!!! समझ नही आ रहा है की अब क्या करें.... ऐसा लग रहा है की ज़िन्दगी एक मोड़ पर आकर थम सी गई है... आगे बढ़ने का कोई रास्ता नही दिख रहा और पीछे मुड़ने का विकल्प नही है!!!!!!!

बढ़ते जाना है भले ही शहीद हो जाए...... फरक सिर्फ़ इतना हियो की जब जवान शहीद होता है तोह उससे पता होता है की वोह दुश्मन की एक गोली कम करके मर रहा है... यहाँ तोह वोह तस्सली भी नही है....... ना यह एहसास की ख़ुद में क्या बदल रहा है ना यह विशवास की बाहर कुछ बदल रहे हैं!!!!!!सफर अकेला नही है... साथी कई है मगर फिर भी एक अकेलेपन का एहसास हो रहा है........

घर की घरवालों की कमी आज महसूस हुई है..... पता नही था की जब हम उनसे दूर हो जायेंगे तोह वोह इतना याद आयेंगे!!!! आज मिलने को तरसते हैं मगर मिलने जाना भी नही चाहते..... क्यों नही जाना चाहते... डर है की कहीं वापस आने का मन नही किया तोह... और वापस आना ज़रूरी है...... क्यूंकि अनिषा हार मानने वालों में से नही है.......

बस येही एक ख्वाहिश है की काश कोई हाथ थम कर कहने वाला होता ही राह सही है इसीलिए मुश्किलें आ रही है!!!!विश्वास है की तुम कर लोगी उस्सी तरह जैसे तुमने ज़िन्दगी जी है.... लड़ने के लिए, झगड़ने के लिए ख़याल रखने के लिए, रोते समय कन्धा देने के लिए और बिन बहे आंसू देखकर कर उन्हें चलकेने से पहले पूंछने के लिए मैं हूँ तुम्हारे साथ तुम्हारे पास....... तुम्हारे लिए!!!!!!!!!!

मगर यहाँ तोह सब के ही कश्ती में सवार हैं....अच्छा नही लगता इनके सामने अपनी कम्जूरिओं को बयान करना.... ज़रूरत है ना अनिषा हो ज़माने में हमेशा ताकतवर रहने की..... मजाल है किस्सी की जो मुझे कम्जूर सिद्ध कर दे....... ना जाने कब से दिल में यह बात बैठ गई है की कमजोरों का शिकार होता है...... सिर्फ़ ताकतवर ही अकेला आपने बल बूते पर जी जाता है............यहाँ भी वाही हो रहा है...... जीने की कोशिश......

बस शायद अब वक्त आ गया है लड़ने के बजाये आत्मसमर्पण करने की....... अब देखना यह है की यह आत्मसमर्पण होता कैसा है..... ख़ुद को बच्चाने के लिए या ख़ुद को ख़तम करने के लिए!!!!!!!!!!!

आएये हमारे साथ अब एपी भी इंतज़ार करें..... देखें क्या होता है.......

इम्तेहान हम , ज़िन्दगी का देकर,
राह देखें , क्या है नतीजा!!!!!!

god works in mysterious ways!!!!!!!!!!!

hi ,
im back....... was really busy all these days with stupid submissions which noone Even cares abt!!!!!!!!
anyway today i write cos of sumthing amazing that happened last saterday............
u know na that i go to J puri for my project data collection well this happened there only............. there I was in my room with my children talkin excusively to one of them and then i realise that my Dictaphone has no memory and that all data that i am gonna get aftr this will be based entirely on my memo........ i m sad and devastated but i valiantly tread on!!!!! and there out of nowhere comes this guy............yes yes i hear u saying there had to be a guy but what do i do my life is hell with them and hell without them also!!!!!!!!!! but jst hear me out...........
so there came this guy interested in the drawing books that i had laid out. i assume he thot that some of the drawings were mine... he seemed interested i told none were mine he still seemed interested......... we started talking......... within mins he started analysing me............ saying things which no guy wld ever say to a girl....... he saw sadness in my eyes.... felt my laughter was shallow............ said I'm not in touch with who i am and that my life isn't as rosy as i seem to make it appear.......... every word of his i pretended to disbelive................... each wrd of his i wondered how the hell does he read me like a book..................

i pride my self on being a complex person...... sum1 very good at camouflage but he saw right thro.... that to in few mins...................... i hated him coz he saw me so crystal clear ..........i loved him coz he saw me so crystal clear................. he asked my number...........i counter asked another Q but later gave him my number coz i wanted him to call me, meet me and talk o me...............
i went on to conduct my interview after we were chatting for abt half hour ,i completely forgot abt him as i immersed into my project bt at least once, i saw him spying on me from the window...............i felt mayb......rather wished he was interested in me........

.......and he did seem to be........he called me "chasme wali madam" he wanted to look at my eyes i didn't allow they were only for me too see i was scared he wld see the real me right through them..............then i left for home he waved me bye and i responded................

all thro sunday and mon and tue that is today i waited...........waited that he will call but he did not..........not yet........mayb he didn't want to maby he cld not but the bottom line is he did not.................

but u know what today i got an insight............at the metro station while cumin back i suddenly jst got this thot mayb jst mayb he and i were destined for jst one meetin....mayb the purpose of d meeting was to let me know sumthin.......kinda divine msg for me.............. mayb it was HIM tellin me that im not forgotten... that he is listening to me and that i jst need to wait that there is sum1 he has made for me......... that my dream guy exists .........mayb its jst a matter of waiting sum more and the i realised that yes that cld be the only possibility...... an explanation to all that was said and felt that day.................HE came down in a guy's form to help me ahead with my faith in him............... HE came to tell me to hang on and not let go now............ and now i get it..............

everything seems to be crystal clear...............

I JUST NEED TO WAIT SUM MORE TIME!!!!!!!!!

LOVE U AND WAITING FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paranoid Schizoid ....... Am I???????

Why am I writing today, coz I cant handle whats happening in my life anymore. Its too much for me now……. I might just break down but I know wont i m not that lucky in life…… im jst being tested….. to see how much can I take in and I will prove it to the one abv that I can take in a lot more than he can give…. Im his child… he bore the wooden cross I bear the psychological cross……. He knew he was the son of god I don’t even know what I am….. he had great powers and cured millions and millions of followers I have nuttin and yet im bear a cross I believe more heavier than he carried. But its ok after all im me and not him…… A lot of what I write may make no sense to u but jst hear me out.
The facts first. The main reason im writing today is that dad has not been talking to me for two days why as usual I have no clue. It all started on Thursday when I decided to clean up and tidy up my room. By after noon I was really tired and I decided to leave the half organized room as it is and so it remained till dad came in the evening. When dad came in he was in a very good mood, loving talking playing with me all which I felt a lil weird but I played along. Then he came along to my room to iron some cloths and saw the “mess” I had made in my room and got angry and irritated. He said a lot of things which I didn’t bother to hear. But then later arpita called and I felt that she was not in a good mood, so I decided to go to agra and spend a night with her. Since dad was supposed to go to mathura as mom had to leave for hissar on sat for two months and dad had to help her pack and all I thought I’ll go with him. And since he was givin me the silent treatment I jst asked him when is he leaving for mathura and told and asked permission to go and spend a night with aps. He did not reply and said that he is leaving in evening and that do i want to reach agra at night? I got irritated and called up mom and told her the whole scenario and also told her that I’ll leave the next morning. She said she is fine but dad says the last word. No word from him even next morning. I leave. Mom calls up half way and inquires abt my travel plans and stayin plans and I get a lil bit irritated and ask her to call up aps and confirm if she wants. She does the same and then says she is fine. No news frm dads side yet. I leave, keep givin missed calls at respective durations to both mom and dad, mom replies never dad. I have a grt time and me and aps return together and since then dad has been not talking to me and givin me the silent treatment. Treating me as a guest on whom he is doin some favor.

Now that the facts have been stated I don’t even want to express my feelings. I know he has no clue but since I lost my cell I lost the desire to do anything. I think im goin into depression doin things only because they have to be done and mostly at the last min. but how can I not be so. I feel like I have turned into a paranoid schizoid person. Or maybe I always one. Carrying the guilt of making my parents (esp my dad) unhappy every time I am happy. My happiness seems to me like a curse for him. I know he wants me happy but really sometimes I feel it’s a conditioned feeling. He wants me happy only if I do whatever he wants. Its like u keep me happy and find ur happiness in what makes me happy. Tears haven’t stopped rolling down my cheeks since the new year began. I feel so alone and so scared to be happy. I remember a conversation I had with ajay he told that I like to be alone. I just want to tell him no I don’t.. I don’t like to be alone but im also scraed that being happy will hurt the person I love the most and its this guilt that keeps me from enjoyin life. Like honey maam said how can an infant be secure and explore the world when she knows that she will not be received with love when she returns back home. When she knows that if she leaves she will end up hurtin the environment which has taken care of all her needs. How can I enjoy life when I know that my enjoyment is at the cost of my dad’s smile. That when I m stayin at home, studying, playin with him when he wants me to, being a good daughter, following all his wishes and sorting out hi and moms problems and be happy in JUST that much; he is very happy. Anything more and he thinks I don’t care for him, I don’t love him……….
I do love him can some one please tell him that I do love hi but all I want is to be free. All I want is the knowledge that I can go out and explore the world and yet come back to my parents who will accept me with smiles and lovin hug not silent treatment.oh my dear god this is for u…. with heartfelt prayers and tears in my eyes and with all the humbleness my heart can ever gather I PRAY to u I pray going down on my knees u know that no one can see how much I am hurting, my pain my tears. All I want I someone to see that and for that someone to be mine till im alive. I NEED TO BE LOVED FELT AND UNDERSTOOD that’s all……………

घुंघुरू की तरह

घुंघुरू की तरह, बजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
कभी इस पग में, कभी उस पग में,
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं

कभी टूट गया कभी तोडा गया,
सौ बार मुझे फिर जोड़ा गया,
यूँ ही लुट लुट के, और मिट मिट के
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

मैं करती रही औरों की कही,
मेरी बात मेरे मन ही में रही,
कभी मन्दिर में, कभी महफिल में,
सजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

आपनो में रहे या गैरों में;
घुंघुरू की जगह तो है पैरों में;
फिर कैसा गिला, जग से जो मिला;
सहती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
कभी इस पग में, कभी उस पग में,
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं

किशोर दा

The Pain Inside

hi, im back.... this new year begins with tears in my eyes. hope the whole year will not be like that.

wondering why i am writing today or rather now.... well again same reason tooo much to hold no one to tell. it all began the day i went to chandini chowk to aid a friend in her search for some one we met the some one. didnt have too much hassles. but on the way back someone picked my sweater pocket and stole my one and only motoroker E6 cell. i was again abt to write i lost it but im tryin to not put the whole blame on me. this is a loss i will never be able to fulfill. it had become a part of my soul, a part of me i never had experienced earlier. it let me be what i always wanted to be, spontaneous, creative, FREE. it became my soul, my life and i lost it actually it seems like along with it went the desire to live. the fear of death, the feeling of happiness, since then i hav become droopy, tears flowin down my cheek for no reason, not enjoyin, not talkin, wantin to jst curl up and not feel not live................. this is not good but i dont know how to get out..... im not writin much today because i literally forced myself to write this entry.... i dont feel like.............LIVING, BREATHING, ENJOYING,

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!

I CANT GIVE UP EITHER!!!!!!!

what do i do????????????? what do i????????????

आईने के सौ टुकड़े

आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं;

एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

जो बना था एक साथी, वो भी हमसे छुठा है;
बेवफा नही जब वो, फिर क्यूँ हमसे रूठा है;
खोई खोई आँखों में, आंसुओं के मेले हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे सौ में भी अकेले हें
आइने के सौ टुकड़े कर्के हमने देखे हें

उसका हाल क्या होगा, यह ही गम सताता है;
नींद भी नही आती, दर्द बढता जाता है;
ज़िन्दगी की राहों में, लोग हमसे खेले हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं
आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं

हर तरफ़ उजाला है, दिल में एक अँधेरा है;
सामने कब आएगा, क्यूँ छुपा सवेरा है;
मेरा दिल, जिगर देखो, कितने दर्द झेलें हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

AS LONG AS U LOVE ME

although lonelines has always been a friend of mine,
im leaving my life in ur hands,
people say im crazzy and that i am blind!!!!!
risking it all in a game......
and how u got me blind is still a mystery.........
i cant get u out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont care whats been in ur history!!!!!!!!!
as long as ur here with me................
I DONT CARE WHO U ARE........WHERE U R FROM......WHAT U DID...... AS LONG AS U LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
every little thing that u have said and done.......
feels like its deep within me.........
doesnt really matter if ur on the run..........
seems like we are meant to be.........
I DONT CARE WHO U ARE........WHERE U R FROM......WHAT U DID...... AS LONG AS U LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
i have tried to hide it so that no one knows........
but i guess it showsss....
when u look into my eyes.........
what u did and where ur cumin from..........i dont care.......
as long as u love me...............

BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!!!!!!

am i the savior or the one to be saved???????

hi.............
me back again with thoughts........problems.......... confusions........ questions??????
guess u must be used to it by now..............
my new dilemma as the title says "am i the savior or d one to be saved"
quite a lot of time i have asked my self this question and very confidently reached the conslusion that i am the savior,not the one to be saved.... i carry the resposibility of the entire universe (my universe......my family and my friends) on my shoulders.........these are the shoulders of army officers daughter...........they are not weak they dont need support but they are always there to support others..............to lend the helpin hand goin to whatever extend needed.........i hve always been like that...........act before i think.........jump in to save anytime i see anyone in trouble...............its a great feeling............ANISHA the SAVIOR of all.........a frnd once jokingly said..........GOD cant individually handle everyone so he sent ANISHA to tackle a few.............we laughed and i enjoyed believeing that to be completely true...........

dont get me wrong............i love the part im playin.......mayb the only true part of me that i can say i enjoy and am proud of..........i do things to people.........i change lives without being aware of it..........i hve sumthin in me that helps people and im grateful to god for that...........then wheres the problem...........really is there one!!!!!!!!!

the problem is the second part of this coin.........after interval the pic begins from the savior needin support..........all my past life i lived in the illusion that i dont need naybody..........being independent meant being totally on ur own.........................i couldnt do that financially or physically so i put in the extra effort in being "INDEPENDENT" emotionally and guess what----- i succeeded!!!!!!!!!! to the extent that for quite some time i WAS on my own............livin with parents yet totally away from them...........using up all spare resource i had to manage my feelings myself!!!!!!!!! but well as u know that was teenage and i was "bubbling with energy" gradually the pinch was felt, the desire to be held and comforted caught up...........and i looked arnd...............and found a missing dad, a mom overloaded with work, a brother lookin up to me and friends who depended on me for their needs................i dont blame anyone ........... circumstances and i understand but then came ****, he knowingly or unknowingly became the one who comforted me, who saw me cryin in the dark in the back balcony and came and hugged me, who told me that he will always be there...............i knew it was not possible but i believed coz it was blissful to believe...............and then the world came in........... everything crashed and i was left alone again to nurse my wounds myself............ uprooted from the place i found warmth in i was replanted in delhi................ awkwardness or ignorance either came in the way of me getting back together with my dad..............emotionally i had distanced myself from my family... the world which took soo much from me but could not, WAS not able to give back to me................. the distance grew......he didnt notice,i didnt care..................
Apurv once asked- "does being independent mean not taking support from ANYONE"..........i dont remember what i answered..............but if he asks again i kno what i'll say........... i desired once, believed once, loved once, depended once....................... was bruised, torn apart, devastated, bled, cried, managed everything alone and yet surived............... it still hurts.. it still aches............... it still longs.. it still desires but doesnt DARE believe, doesnt dare ask, dosent dare want.............
and how do i cover up...........by being the strong one............ helping any and evryone......... proving thus to myself and the world that
"I AM A BIG BIG GIRL.........in this big bad world"
people need me i dont need them............... i only wish and pray that i be able to keep up this facade as long as i live coz the day the mask breaks it will get ugly................ the day the curtains are lifted the audience will leave and the actors will be left without naything..... the play of life will be ruined............
"All the world's a stage and we are but Actors"-Shakespeare
the exception being when SOMEONE COMES TO SAVE THE SAVIOR............... till then its waiting, acting, playin the part...............
ADIOS...........amigos..........lets all wait and see who comes first..............
the DARK KNIGHT who will take me to the eternal unfeeling timeless death
or
the WHITE PRINCE on the shining horse ushering in the era of love,peace, trust and BELIEF...........

am i the savior or the one to be saved

hi.............

me back again with thoughts........problems confusions questions guess u must be used to it by now..............

my new dilemma as the title says "am i the savior or d one to be saved"

quite a lot of time i have asked my self this question and very confidently reached the conslusion that i am the savior. not the one to be saved, i carry the resposibility of the entire universe (my universe......my family and my friends) on my shoulders.........these are the shoulders of an armed forces officers daughter...........they are not weak they dont need support but they are always there to support others..............to lend teh helpin hand goin to whatever extend needed.........i hve always been like that...........act before i think.........jump in to save anytiem i see anyone in trouble...............its a great feeling............ANISHA the SAVIOR of all.........a frnd once jokingly said..........GOD cant individually handle everyone so he sent ANISHA to tackle a few.............we laughed and i enjoyed believeing that to be completely true...........

dont get me wrong............i love the part im playin.......mayb the only true part of me that i can say i enjoy and am proud of..........i do things to people.........i change lives without being aware of it..........i ahve sumthin in me that helps people and im grateful to god for that...........then wheres the problem...........is there one!!!!!!!!!

the problem is the second part of this coin.........after interval the pic begins from the savior needin support..........all my past life i lived in teh illusion that i dont need naybody..........being independent meant being totally on ur own.........................i couldnt do that financially or physically so i put in the extra effort in being "INDEPENDENT" emotionally and guess what i succeeded!!!!!!!!!! to the extent that fpr quite soem time i WAS on my own............livin with parents yet totally away from them...........using up all spare resource i had to manage my feelings myself!!!!!!!!!

today i look back and see that all taht was a mistake... today i want help but none i an turn to coz theres no one i trust anymore...... every choice ha sits consequences and i will have to live with the one that i have made!!!!!