Why I Love Thee Alcohol!!!!

In response to a poem by a anonymous friend:

sometimes i feel that i too drink,
not to be free but just not to think...
to get some respite to be a lil free,
from the torturous thoughts 
that keep haunting me....

my drink, my mate, my evergreen friend....
always take me through till the end...
till i can think and feel no more,
till i fall down deep in a snore....

into the oblivion away from reality.... 
into a world with so much clarity....
where i am set free from being awake....
where surviving is just a piece of a cake....

where all that survives is a peaceful oblivion....
a sense of calm and void that goes on for an eon....
you wont understand and you wont accept...
and your inability i respect...

all i ask is do not judge...
and when i come crashing do not budge....
for you are the only one who helps fill that deep hole....
and that is why i love you, i love you thee alcohol!!!! :)

Kuch ajeeb se sawaal aur ulte pulte khayaal

Its been more than a year.... Has life been beautiful.... well not always... but nothing that me and alcohol couldn't handle.... but today is different... the enemy within has resurfaced... with the same old strategy but a different game.... this time the attempt is not to fight off or give in... this time the attempt is to reflect... beg for mercy and just lay down and roll over... why so... coz I'm tired... 

Fighting takes up a lot of resources... it causes too much damage and it leads to one hell a lot of pain... and this is not a one time war.... its a life long battle.... and when you cant win it you might as well just shake hands and be friends...

So today i try to accept it... convince my heart that disappointment is a constant state of mind.... and no  matter how happy and beautiful life becomes... this feeling will never leave me.... it will never let me be fully happy.... i will never experience peace, joy and complete happiness..... 

Why.... coz i will never truly believe that i am worthy.... i will never truly be able to fulfill this need and i will never be able to keep asking for help....i wont let people know i need my kinda love and i will never find someone who understands it and gives it freely....

i cant expect him to change, to be a mind reader or to suddenly become exactly what i wanted.... if i had the knowledge of today and got a chance to go back to the deciding moment i would still make this choice.... i don't and i know i wont ever regret taking this decision.... he is nothing that i did not know he would be.... if anything i should be happy that he has not changed least bit... 

its not like life is not good.... its not like there is no love... i know he loves me i know he cares for me i know he needs me and i think he would be just as devastated as i would be if something happened to me... then Ani where is the problem... its not inside that's the problem.... its the packaging.... 

i am someone who needs love to be shown, expressed, verbally and physically... don't bring the stars and moon for me, don't wait for the perfect moment for anything, with me seize the current moment.... show love now... not at the most romantic and perfect time.... and i don't want to infer love.... i want to see it, i cant say you don't love me, i cant hate you for not being just perfect.... so why am i writing this today, coz you are not MY perfect.... you are perfect just not MY idea of perfect....

And i am writing not to complain about you.... i am writing coz I'm mad angry and frustrated with myself.... at no point in my life have i hated this stupid self so much as i hate it today.... for it is hell bent on ruining the single most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life... the one true blessing in my life and this this enemy within doesn't let me enjoy it.... why is it that i always want more... why cant i be satisfied with what i have, isn't it beautiful already.... isn't it perfect already,,, why is there this need not even desire but need for a lil more.... 

I don't want solutions i want answers.... i am afraid that this stupidity will ruin my happiness, this illness will force me back into loneliness and i wont have anyone but myself to blame for it.... i am afraid that this self doubt will push him away and make all my fears come true.... 

What if he doesn't say i love you first coz he doesn't feel it.... whats frustrating is that i feel life hasn't changed for him, i am an addition to his already present life a new chapter not a whole book... and while its not that bad or wrong, it hurts me coz i have made him my whole or at least the rest of my whole book.... 

So i guess the question is what role do i play in his life????? am i his wife or am i his life.... fortunately or unfortunately i suspect i am his wife and that, just that seems unbearable to me.... i want to be his life, i want to hear him say that i am his life, i want him to make me feel like i am his life and i want all this without me having to tell him to do it.... 

As far back as i can remember i have never asked for anything, i have either got whatever i wanted myself or i have just learned to live without it... asking for things, or experiences has never been my strong point... i have always felt cheap asking... it seems like i am forcing the person to give something or do something they don't want to give or do,,,, it seems like if i deserve it, they will realize it and i will get it without asking.... when i cant do it once, how can i do it again and again.... how can i teach someone to recognize my needs and fulfill them when i refuse to say aloud what my needs are.... 

How do i repeatedly ask for something and end up feeling dirty and unworthy of it... how do i say i want it and then believe that i got it coz he wanted to give me and not as a pity.... how do i know its love or its duty.... how do i know its genuine or fake.... how do i know its coz he too wanted or just for the sake of it, just coz i asked it???? how do i trust that its real or just make believe....

How do i believe that life really is beautiful and not just a pretty illusion i am creating around me.... coz trust me it wont be the first time... is not my life replete with evidences of illusions of joy created by me shattering in front of my own eyes.... of me believing that which was never there and living a fantasy life..... of me exaggerating the reality and then crying foul.... how can i trust my own self... 

and that my friend is the core problem of my life..... 

I DON'T TRUST MYSELF with anything be it love, respect, worth, or abilities...... and unfortunately today it seems like i am deciding to stop trying to trust myself and just stop believing in reality.... and start pretending.... i don't know how long i will be able to do that, i don't know if i will ever be able to do that.... all i know is that starting from today i am gonna try to be dead inside.... to love but not expect to be loved.... the martyr and the victim are back again.... i bring out the white flag and give up the battle of self improvement..... someone out there or something inside wins.... I LOSE.....

P.S: When you know I am upset or somethings wrong and i don't open up, no matter how much i insist, i don't need space... what i need is for you to come over, hold me tight and tell ME that you know somethings wrong and u understand that i don't want to share but things will be alright, and you know why coz you are there with me always through thick and thin and you love me enough to ensure that we get through whatever is bothering me!!!!

dil ke armaa aansuon mein beh gaye.....

hey i am back again.....

with another life crisis.... with another disappointment... with another phase of self depreciation... so yeah bear with me!!!

do u believe that people can be SO broken that they can never be mended?? do u believe that sometimes people are meant to be alone..... are all the movies and romantic books all cartoon all just propagating a lie.... do you believe that there are people who never get there "happily ever after".....

what the hell am i talking of course there are.... what about the girls who are trafficked, what about the children abandoned what about the poverty stricken millions in the world, the war zone people the immigrant abused worker.... of course millions of people never get their happily ever after....

so whats the big deal if i don't get it either..... so what if i am too damaged for people to love me.... so what if i have to compromise and never be bale to live the life i want to live..... anisha Mathews love happens to lucky people...... it never happens to those desperately waiting for it..... and anyways love is not something out there, its something one has to create.... 

NB came into your life to teach u this, you can love a person who you have not know for years, you can also live with a person you don't love..... its about time.... grow up, leave behind the fantasies of eternal love, happily ever after and prince charming...... things don't work out that way.... and don't u ever start talking about destiny and karma..... i think it is established that both are not in ur favor and they are bitches..... 

believe that good things happen to good people but also believe that if bad things are happening to you u must be a bad person..... you need no one besides you..... you can fight the world alone you too know it...... so what does it matter if you are living by yourself, in your father's house or with some random guy your parents choose..... 

don't feel sad for yourself anisha...... many people have it worse than you..... be grateful..... that you have a family, you have your friends, that you are safe, that your are well fed, you have a shelter, and that you are not being exploited.....

Begin to accept that you have to give out love..... you are not destined to receive that love back from one person.... the only purpose of your life is to help others feel better..... irrespective of whether you are giving love or receiving love.... you know even when u are receiving love it has to be from many people so that they can feel the power of giving and make it a part of their life....

you are like the mango tree..... giving around..... comforting.... providing support, fun and shade.... but always standing alone.... so stand tall and wipe off those tears..... you have work to do.... there are kids out who need you, so make them your life.... they are way better than adults anyways...... they are not scared to trust and with them Anisha you are not scared to share.......

ALL THE BEST BABY!!! the journey of live is long and lonely..... enjoy every companion you meet no matter for how long.... and always remember WE WALK ALONE!!!

aaj fir jeene ki tammana hai, aaj fir maarne ka iraada hai!!!!

आज किसी और के नहीं, यह पैगाम खुद मेरे लिए है… कोई मिला है, घबरा मत, हाट बड़ा, ज़यादा से ज़यादा क्या होगा, दिल ही तो टूटेगा ना... उसकी तो अब आदत हो गयी है, तो फिर यह डर  क्यूँ? एक बार बाज़ी खेल के देखते हैं, पार तो पार नहीं तो वापस  इसी ओर।

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा …। 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … 

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Jaana hai jise pathar, hera hai voh toh heera, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Diye ki baati dekhi, dekhi na uski jyoti, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela………

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

The Day I wished I could Stop Dreaming

OH what a life.... when u want to be well but all you manage to do is push your illness a little further away.... its inevitable.... eventually i succumb.... to the comparisons i create within myself... to the constant scrutiny of the misfortune around me.... to the eternal jealousy within me.... to the repressed anger against the world and against this unfair universe..... where all that i give i never receive....

everyone says (OK at least some people say) that i am good, caring, loving, helpful, sensitive, approachable, available, selfless...... i think i am at least a very people's person.... but then i wonder... it can't be true.... because people also say good things happen to good people.... so where are my good things.... if what you give comes back to you, then where is the love, support and care that i have been giving (without expecting anything back) all these years.... if life is fair... why am i still without love when all i have consciously given is love.....

this is directly between u (the universe) and me..... OK i am not the best of the people around... i have my complexes and my inferiority..... but even you have to admit that i have given everyone a fair chance.... maybe more than a fair chance.... it might be my non assertiveness and my inability to say no but when i listen to some one's side of the story, i genuinely listen.... when i love i love without any malice.... when i help i help without any expectation..... when i am there i am completely and truly there......

so if u admit to that then comes my next part..... when i have given so much where is the return gift??? why am i without love when everyone else seems to have a shoulder to lean on?? why am i alone when everyone has found their "special" one??? why am i unhappy when those who hurt me are happy??? why am i full of self doubt when people hundred time worse are confident like a bull??

Don't get me wrong i have nothing against any of them... if anything i always pray they get what they deserve and be content with life... i m only worried about myself.... u may have heard this a million times "why me??" i m asking "why not me?".... Am i not yet ready?? or do i have no scope?? either way the waiting is killing me.... the self induced torture is excruciating.... i cant live anymore like this.... pretending things don't effect me... pretending I'm immune..... pretending i don't care and most importantly pretending I'm happy the way things are..... because trust me... i AM NOT.....

OK lets just review what my dreams are.... what is it that i am asking for.... maybe i am asking for too much.... OK in no particular order of priority what are the things i want.... M Phil, my own training center and clinic.... decent enough and steady bank account.... a guy who understands me and loves me for who i am and not who i have to be.... a husband who is supportive, caring, motivating and crazy like and about me..... two kids, a 3 BHK house and an opportunity to give back to the society.... in an ideal world i would love to be famous for helping people and have loads of people in whose life i have made a difference and they know it and are grateful about it... that's all i need gratitude and satisfaction....

i pray everyone around me finds contentment when i crave for it the most.....

so my desires are finally out in the open.... now i have done my part.... so universe conspire and tell me are they too much to ask.... I'm not challenging I'm questioning, because if they are then u have to wipe them clean from my psyche, my heart and my soul.... i wont mind not having something as long as i don't long for it.... i don't wanna be a millionaire (though it wouldn't hurt if i get to be one) because i don't long for it.....

so today i hand over a huge responsibility to u..... wipe clean from my deepest soul all those desires that i don't deserve and wont ever achieve and what ever is left ensure that i achieve it.... give me the strength to have faith till i achieve them.... but do wipe clean that which I'm not destined for.....

Let Toady Be The Day Anisha Stops Dreaming.......

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है , हाँ थोडा दर्द  होगा पर चलता है। 

Dreams and Desires.......

hey,

today i attempt that which i have never had the courage to speak of earlier.... why for the fear that it might actually come true of or that it might never come true.... u know Na that deep held belief in me that what ever that i desire and say out loud never happens guess that where the fear emanates from...... so what am i gonna talk about???? my ideal man......

before i begin the description i need to confess that this is the ideal and i am well aware that ideals don't exist.... i am open to all experiences and believe that i can live happily with a wide variety of people..... why i want to talk about it today??? well saw AR with her fiancee plus KP contacted me after a long time plus saw that Malayalam movie of mohan lal...... honestly i need a reason to cry today and what best reason that that eternal thorn in my heart...... LOVE <3 p="">
what do i think of when i think of my ideal man??? physical features....... preferably fair but brown or dark will also do, taller than me with the personality of an ARMY OFFICER..... why well i have lived my life in an army setup, the grind of an army officer the polish, the power, the masculinity the rawness, the care and the naughtiness all i need. i am a physical person, some one who is strong, independent and rebellious..... in short within me still lives that tomboy.... who wants to be conquered, subjugated in love..... someone who is able to tear open my wall of defence and lay bare my vulnerabilities and then pick me up like a baby and care for me love me and hold me tight......

i am the support system for many people so my man should be my support system, strong and tender arms to pull me down and stroke me tenderly........ someone who sees me for who i am and not who i pretend to be...... someone who has seen me cry unabashedly in front of them... who understands my dreams, my thoughts my concerns my desires and wants to be by my side when i fulfill them.... some one who supports me in reaching for the stars but keeps assuring me that even if i don't reach he will bring them down for me....... naughty yet loving, brash yet caring, good boy and bad boy, conqueror and gardener...... someone who is mine and only mine.....

this is the reason i love SRK's old movies.... love the character he plays, like Raj of DDLJ, like Aman of KHNH and Arjun of Pardes....... I'm reminded of that song of Ajay Devgan from the movie Major Sahab

Ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta....
Mere Khwabo mein jo ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
mere sapno mein joh ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
kissi ki yaad mein khud ko mita dun.....mmmm...
ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta.....

Reacting to Re framing.......

its weird when life brings you to a point where you can see the best for you, you want to reach out, you want to conquer but somehow you loose the will, the desire, the drive.....

i am reminded of the frog's story i heard in NIPCCD the first day, about the frog who keeps on struggling finally ends up making butter and jumping off...... and the other one who gives up and dies.... well i want to be the butter frog but i just don't have the motivation to do so...... i feel exhausted even after i sleep, i feel sad even after getting compliments, i feel like a failure even after accomplishing things........ i cry despite not having anything to cry for..... GOD whats happening with me......

i have a perfect life.... parents who love and support me to the core.... i don't have to wake up early, make breakfast, care for my lunch or about how will i reach college or how long i will take to come back.... dad is willing to spend as much as i need on accessories for school, support me with any kind of support that i need, wait for me for as long as is needed when i get late .................. yet i come back home, bury myself in fictitious bloody and gory TV serials.... sit alone in my room and cry............... WHY????

i have a perfect life..... i am doing the kind of course i always wanted to do, I'm doing it out of my own pocket not dependent on anyone, I'm good at what i am doing, people colleagues as well as professors admit to my mettle and accept that i am good, i am loved and admired by everyone i meet............................ yet i feel alone, distressed, disappointed and dejected, i feel like a failure overpowered by my weaknesses and inability to perform................ WHY???

i have friends who want me to meet them, who want me to talk to them spend time with them, i have a guy who seems to be crazy about me................... yet i feel unloved, isolated and abandoned............................. WHY?????

God I'm not asking you to take away the pain....... that would be selfish and unfair...... all i ask i an understanding of why i need to go through the pain...... a reason that's it..... it will make everything worth it....... the yearning, the fear, the abandonment all for a reason and that reason is what i want to know......

i want to know why nothing is ever enough for me..... why nothing is ever good enough for me.... why do i always need more........ can somebody who is soo loved and admired feel soo isolated and lost..... am i good or am i bad????? am i such a good actress that i can fool the best psychologists i have met......... am i an attention seeker, someone who victimises herself so that she can gain attention...... is this outburst only because PS mam is not having an individual session with me while she seems to be talking to everyone else........ am i sooo self centered and narcissistic???? or is it that she has read me and want me to suffer and come out of my narcissism.......

i guess the basic question remains........ WHO AM I??? WHY AM I???

all i request and pray for are answers not salvation........ MY SAVIOUR DOESN'T EXIST so i suffer in acceptance but for that acceptance i need understanding....... My faith wavers ....... i need your support...... i need your shoulders to lean on and cry, to rest my head and to finally sleep..... maybe an eternal peaceful sleep

REST IN PEACE ANISHA MATHEWS!!!!! REST IN PEACE!!!!