needs raise heads again!!!!!

it is like i need that one person to tell me for me to believe it. i wont believe what everyone says. in a way i am still a very small child, testing whom to trust and whom not, intuitively deciding and observing everyone and once if i decide i cannot open up and accept your criticism or praise no matter what you do i will not be able to take your words with the same seriousness as i take that some one's words. its the same that happened between jatin and salman. when jatin said it i did not believe it, when salman said it, it struck as an insight. was it because it was salman who said it or was it because of the time and situation when he said it?????i think it was because it was salman. and now i know why it stuck me soooo hard and sooo deep because i love salman.......... i love him like a brother........... i project into him the elder brother i never had and always desired. and that is why no matter how much jatin forced us but i could never stop calling him SALMAN BHAI....... these are not just words for me, for me they are words filled with the intense emotion that is inherent in that relationship.

but what is this need to develop relationships where ever i go. i have no clue. why do i have to project a relation onto someone and then react accordingly??? i came to Gandhi fellowship to run away from my relations but i am still carrying them in my mind in my heart. how on earth will i ever be free if this process doesn't break. some people instantly become a part of you. whether they like it or not they live along in you as you.salman bhai is one, ashutosh is another. i don't know why but just sitting next to and the mere presence of either of the two makes my heart feel very nice and light. there was no need for me to sleep in the same room as ashutosh for two days but i did and we both know it was not because i wanted to listen to the songs on the radio. that was a secondary gain, but more than that it was his presence, the knowledge of the fact that he is in the same room sleeping peacefully,that was the feeling i was wanting to cherish. we may not speak a single word yet it seems like life could not have been beautiful. honestly, sometimes it feels that its for these people that i am not even think of leaving for next two years. i want to spend as much time with them as is allotted to me.

god knows whats gonna happen to me. if i keep writing like this i may resolve myself completely. but that is the beauty i know myself but i dont want to know myself.........i am goin crazzy......i am goin mad........ i am jealous of the love around me of which i cannot get a single droplet.........but i'll survive through it........ i will live through it as i have always done.