early morning realisations!!!!!

good morning,
howz life? me all fine here. wondering whats wrong with me?? welll i can say everything and nothing. life is coming into a full circle and this circle is not as big as i was thinking it will be. i can see it completely ,i can be the "neutral observer", i can keep myself away from the happenings and then think......... reflect.........introspect...........and in the end smile at the realisations and discoveries that i make.

why am i in a philosophical mood today??? have been in this mood for quite some time, but today finally it seeems something has come out of it. last night had a nice and long conversation with salman bhai.........there is some connection between us. either he gets me or i get him. somehow of all the older GF's i value his words the most and it is easy for me to accept feedback from him and not even jatin. yesterday he said that "यह बहुत बड़ी बात है की तुम ऐसा सोच भी रही हो अभी जबकि इस मुकाम पर हमें पहुँचने में बहुत वक्त लग गया था." earlier jatin or priyanka or someone else have also told me that it is a great thing that i have reached a level of realisation and ease within myself that others have not yet achieved. but it never sunk in soo deep as yesterday.

suddenly since then i have been feeling or looking at myself in a completely different light. i am no more that childish anisha who is inferior to everyone, who needs care and understanding and attention and pampering. i have suddenly grown up to be this more mature yet childish, more reflective yet ignorant and more secure and yet insecure human being. suddenly others feel like small children who need to be taken care of. small children who will come to me when they need some kind of satisfaction, some pleasure. be it release from suffering, be it humorous, teasing excitation whatever. even if they don't come it will be OK for me. that need to be in the lime light and be loved by everyone has diminished at least one degree. suddenly this self imposed isolation does not feel like an isolation it feels more like an elevated position of understanding and looking at things.

i may not be the best as i have always wanted but at least i can say that i am a little more me.i have let go of a few more defences of myself, i have come a bit closer to myself and, unlike priyanka, all this i achieved on my own. without any emotional support without any encouragement, without a shoulder to cry on. i wont take the credit away from the people who guided me through this route but i walked alone, i looked for and yet did not find any companion and then i walked alone knowing that i will never get any companion.

trust me it is hard enough to fight against your own defences than to add on the realisation that help will not come. the journey has been hard, exhausting and totally lonely but i WAS, AM and always WILL walk on. i am not a quitter i will fight one even for the worst case till i believe that i must fight. i will give in if it concerns others happiness but when it concerns only me, i valiantly tread on, on this thorn strewn path without any slippers.