Why I Love Thee Alcohol!!!!

In response to a poem by a anonymous friend:

sometimes i feel that i too drink,
not to be free but just not to think...
to get some respite to be a lil free,
from the torturous thoughts 
that keep haunting me....

my drink, my mate, my evergreen friend....
always take me through till the end...
till i can think and feel no more,
till i fall down deep in a snore....

into the oblivion away from reality.... 
into a world with so much clarity....
where i am set free from being awake....
where surviving is just a piece of a cake....

where all that survives is a peaceful oblivion....
a sense of calm and void that goes on for an eon....
you wont understand and you wont accept...
and your inability i respect...

all i ask is do not judge...
and when i come crashing do not budge....
for you are the only one who helps fill that deep hole....
and that is why i love you, i love you thee alcohol!!!! :)

Kuch ajeeb se sawaal aur ulte pulte khayaal

Its been more than a year.... Has life been beautiful.... well not always... but nothing that me and alcohol couldn't handle.... but today is different... the enemy within has resurfaced... with the same old strategy but a different game.... this time the attempt is not to fight off or give in... this time the attempt is to reflect... beg for mercy and just lay down and roll over... why so... coz I'm tired... 

Fighting takes up a lot of resources... it causes too much damage and it leads to one hell a lot of pain... and this is not a one time war.... its a life long battle.... and when you cant win it you might as well just shake hands and be friends...

So today i try to accept it... convince my heart that disappointment is a constant state of mind.... and no  matter how happy and beautiful life becomes... this feeling will never leave me.... it will never let me be fully happy.... i will never experience peace, joy and complete happiness..... 

Why.... coz i will never truly believe that i am worthy.... i will never truly be able to fulfill this need and i will never be able to keep asking for help....i wont let people know i need my kinda love and i will never find someone who understands it and gives it freely....

i cant expect him to change, to be a mind reader or to suddenly become exactly what i wanted.... if i had the knowledge of today and got a chance to go back to the deciding moment i would still make this choice.... i don't and i know i wont ever regret taking this decision.... he is nothing that i did not know he would be.... if anything i should be happy that he has not changed least bit... 

its not like life is not good.... its not like there is no love... i know he loves me i know he cares for me i know he needs me and i think he would be just as devastated as i would be if something happened to me... then Ani where is the problem... its not inside that's the problem.... its the packaging.... 

i am someone who needs love to be shown, expressed, verbally and physically... don't bring the stars and moon for me, don't wait for the perfect moment for anything, with me seize the current moment.... show love now... not at the most romantic and perfect time.... and i don't want to infer love.... i want to see it, i cant say you don't love me, i cant hate you for not being just perfect.... so why am i writing this today, coz you are not MY perfect.... you are perfect just not MY idea of perfect....

And i am writing not to complain about you.... i am writing coz I'm mad angry and frustrated with myself.... at no point in my life have i hated this stupid self so much as i hate it today.... for it is hell bent on ruining the single most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life... the one true blessing in my life and this this enemy within doesn't let me enjoy it.... why is it that i always want more... why cant i be satisfied with what i have, isn't it beautiful already.... isn't it perfect already,,, why is there this need not even desire but need for a lil more.... 

I don't want solutions i want answers.... i am afraid that this stupidity will ruin my happiness, this illness will force me back into loneliness and i wont have anyone but myself to blame for it.... i am afraid that this self doubt will push him away and make all my fears come true.... 

What if he doesn't say i love you first coz he doesn't feel it.... whats frustrating is that i feel life hasn't changed for him, i am an addition to his already present life a new chapter not a whole book... and while its not that bad or wrong, it hurts me coz i have made him my whole or at least the rest of my whole book.... 

So i guess the question is what role do i play in his life????? am i his wife or am i his life.... fortunately or unfortunately i suspect i am his wife and that, just that seems unbearable to me.... i want to be his life, i want to hear him say that i am his life, i want him to make me feel like i am his life and i want all this without me having to tell him to do it.... 

As far back as i can remember i have never asked for anything, i have either got whatever i wanted myself or i have just learned to live without it... asking for things, or experiences has never been my strong point... i have always felt cheap asking... it seems like i am forcing the person to give something or do something they don't want to give or do,,,, it seems like if i deserve it, they will realize it and i will get it without asking.... when i cant do it once, how can i do it again and again.... how can i teach someone to recognize my needs and fulfill them when i refuse to say aloud what my needs are.... 

How do i repeatedly ask for something and end up feeling dirty and unworthy of it... how do i say i want it and then believe that i got it coz he wanted to give me and not as a pity.... how do i know its love or its duty.... how do i know its genuine or fake.... how do i know its coz he too wanted or just for the sake of it, just coz i asked it???? how do i trust that its real or just make believe....

How do i believe that life really is beautiful and not just a pretty illusion i am creating around me.... coz trust me it wont be the first time... is not my life replete with evidences of illusions of joy created by me shattering in front of my own eyes.... of me believing that which was never there and living a fantasy life..... of me exaggerating the reality and then crying foul.... how can i trust my own self... 

and that my friend is the core problem of my life..... 

I DON'T TRUST MYSELF with anything be it love, respect, worth, or abilities...... and unfortunately today it seems like i am deciding to stop trying to trust myself and just stop believing in reality.... and start pretending.... i don't know how long i will be able to do that, i don't know if i will ever be able to do that.... all i know is that starting from today i am gonna try to be dead inside.... to love but not expect to be loved.... the martyr and the victim are back again.... i bring out the white flag and give up the battle of self improvement..... someone out there or something inside wins.... I LOSE.....

P.S: When you know I am upset or somethings wrong and i don't open up, no matter how much i insist, i don't need space... what i need is for you to come over, hold me tight and tell ME that you know somethings wrong and u understand that i don't want to share but things will be alright, and you know why coz you are there with me always through thick and thin and you love me enough to ensure that we get through whatever is bothering me!!!!

dil ke armaa aansuon mein beh gaye.....

hey i am back again.....

with another life crisis.... with another disappointment... with another phase of self depreciation... so yeah bear with me!!!

do u believe that people can be SO broken that they can never be mended?? do u believe that sometimes people are meant to be alone..... are all the movies and romantic books all cartoon all just propagating a lie.... do you believe that there are people who never get there "happily ever after".....

what the hell am i talking of course there are.... what about the girls who are trafficked, what about the children abandoned what about the poverty stricken millions in the world, the war zone people the immigrant abused worker.... of course millions of people never get their happily ever after....

so whats the big deal if i don't get it either..... so what if i am too damaged for people to love me.... so what if i have to compromise and never be bale to live the life i want to live..... anisha Mathews love happens to lucky people...... it never happens to those desperately waiting for it..... and anyways love is not something out there, its something one has to create.... 

NB came into your life to teach u this, you can love a person who you have not know for years, you can also live with a person you don't love..... its about time.... grow up, leave behind the fantasies of eternal love, happily ever after and prince charming...... things don't work out that way.... and don't u ever start talking about destiny and karma..... i think it is established that both are not in ur favor and they are bitches..... 

believe that good things happen to good people but also believe that if bad things are happening to you u must be a bad person..... you need no one besides you..... you can fight the world alone you too know it...... so what does it matter if you are living by yourself, in your father's house or with some random guy your parents choose..... 

don't feel sad for yourself anisha...... many people have it worse than you..... be grateful..... that you have a family, you have your friends, that you are safe, that your are well fed, you have a shelter, and that you are not being exploited.....

Begin to accept that you have to give out love..... you are not destined to receive that love back from one person.... the only purpose of your life is to help others feel better..... irrespective of whether you are giving love or receiving love.... you know even when u are receiving love it has to be from many people so that they can feel the power of giving and make it a part of their life....

you are like the mango tree..... giving around..... comforting.... providing support, fun and shade.... but always standing alone.... so stand tall and wipe off those tears..... you have work to do.... there are kids out who need you, so make them your life.... they are way better than adults anyways...... they are not scared to trust and with them Anisha you are not scared to share.......

ALL THE BEST BABY!!! the journey of live is long and lonely..... enjoy every companion you meet no matter for how long.... and always remember WE WALK ALONE!!!

aaj fir jeene ki tammana hai, aaj fir maarne ka iraada hai!!!!

आज किसी और के नहीं, यह पैगाम खुद मेरे लिए है… कोई मिला है, घबरा मत, हाट बड़ा, ज़यादा से ज़यादा क्या होगा, दिल ही तो टूटेगा ना... उसकी तो अब आदत हो गयी है, तो फिर यह डर  क्यूँ? एक बार बाज़ी खेल के देखते हैं, पार तो पार नहीं तो वापस  इसी ओर।

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा …। 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … 

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Jaana hai jise pathar, hera hai voh toh heera, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Diye ki baati dekhi, dekhi na uski jyoti, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela………

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

The Day I wished I could Stop Dreaming

OH what a life.... when u want to be well but all you manage to do is push your illness a little further away.... its inevitable.... eventually i succumb.... to the comparisons i create within myself... to the constant scrutiny of the misfortune around me.... to the eternal jealousy within me.... to the repressed anger against the world and against this unfair universe..... where all that i give i never receive....

everyone says (OK at least some people say) that i am good, caring, loving, helpful, sensitive, approachable, available, selfless...... i think i am at least a very people's person.... but then i wonder... it can't be true.... because people also say good things happen to good people.... so where are my good things.... if what you give comes back to you, then where is the love, support and care that i have been giving (without expecting anything back) all these years.... if life is fair... why am i still without love when all i have consciously given is love.....

this is directly between u (the universe) and me..... OK i am not the best of the people around... i have my complexes and my inferiority..... but even you have to admit that i have given everyone a fair chance.... maybe more than a fair chance.... it might be my non assertiveness and my inability to say no but when i listen to some one's side of the story, i genuinely listen.... when i love i love without any malice.... when i help i help without any expectation..... when i am there i am completely and truly there......

so if u admit to that then comes my next part..... when i have given so much where is the return gift??? why am i without love when everyone else seems to have a shoulder to lean on?? why am i alone when everyone has found their "special" one??? why am i unhappy when those who hurt me are happy??? why am i full of self doubt when people hundred time worse are confident like a bull??

Don't get me wrong i have nothing against any of them... if anything i always pray they get what they deserve and be content with life... i m only worried about myself.... u may have heard this a million times "why me??" i m asking "why not me?".... Am i not yet ready?? or do i have no scope?? either way the waiting is killing me.... the self induced torture is excruciating.... i cant live anymore like this.... pretending things don't effect me... pretending I'm immune..... pretending i don't care and most importantly pretending I'm happy the way things are..... because trust me... i AM NOT.....

OK lets just review what my dreams are.... what is it that i am asking for.... maybe i am asking for too much.... OK in no particular order of priority what are the things i want.... M Phil, my own training center and clinic.... decent enough and steady bank account.... a guy who understands me and loves me for who i am and not who i have to be.... a husband who is supportive, caring, motivating and crazy like and about me..... two kids, a 3 BHK house and an opportunity to give back to the society.... in an ideal world i would love to be famous for helping people and have loads of people in whose life i have made a difference and they know it and are grateful about it... that's all i need gratitude and satisfaction....

i pray everyone around me finds contentment when i crave for it the most.....

so my desires are finally out in the open.... now i have done my part.... so universe conspire and tell me are they too much to ask.... I'm not challenging I'm questioning, because if they are then u have to wipe them clean from my psyche, my heart and my soul.... i wont mind not having something as long as i don't long for it.... i don't wanna be a millionaire (though it wouldn't hurt if i get to be one) because i don't long for it.....

so today i hand over a huge responsibility to u..... wipe clean from my deepest soul all those desires that i don't deserve and wont ever achieve and what ever is left ensure that i achieve it.... give me the strength to have faith till i achieve them.... but do wipe clean that which I'm not destined for.....

Let Toady Be The Day Anisha Stops Dreaming.......

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है , हाँ थोडा दर्द  होगा पर चलता है। 

Dreams and Desires.......

hey,

today i attempt that which i have never had the courage to speak of earlier.... why for the fear that it might actually come true of or that it might never come true.... u know Na that deep held belief in me that what ever that i desire and say out loud never happens guess that where the fear emanates from...... so what am i gonna talk about???? my ideal man......

before i begin the description i need to confess that this is the ideal and i am well aware that ideals don't exist.... i am open to all experiences and believe that i can live happily with a wide variety of people..... why i want to talk about it today??? well saw AR with her fiancee plus KP contacted me after a long time plus saw that Malayalam movie of mohan lal...... honestly i need a reason to cry today and what best reason that that eternal thorn in my heart...... LOVE <3 p="">
what do i think of when i think of my ideal man??? physical features....... preferably fair but brown or dark will also do, taller than me with the personality of an ARMY OFFICER..... why well i have lived my life in an army setup, the grind of an army officer the polish, the power, the masculinity the rawness, the care and the naughtiness all i need. i am a physical person, some one who is strong, independent and rebellious..... in short within me still lives that tomboy.... who wants to be conquered, subjugated in love..... someone who is able to tear open my wall of defence and lay bare my vulnerabilities and then pick me up like a baby and care for me love me and hold me tight......

i am the support system for many people so my man should be my support system, strong and tender arms to pull me down and stroke me tenderly........ someone who sees me for who i am and not who i pretend to be...... someone who has seen me cry unabashedly in front of them... who understands my dreams, my thoughts my concerns my desires and wants to be by my side when i fulfill them.... some one who supports me in reaching for the stars but keeps assuring me that even if i don't reach he will bring them down for me....... naughty yet loving, brash yet caring, good boy and bad boy, conqueror and gardener...... someone who is mine and only mine.....

this is the reason i love SRK's old movies.... love the character he plays, like Raj of DDLJ, like Aman of KHNH and Arjun of Pardes....... I'm reminded of that song of Ajay Devgan from the movie Major Sahab

Ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta....
Mere Khwabo mein jo ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
mere sapno mein joh ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
kissi ki yaad mein khud ko mita dun.....mmmm...
ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta.....

Reacting to Re framing.......

its weird when life brings you to a point where you can see the best for you, you want to reach out, you want to conquer but somehow you loose the will, the desire, the drive.....

i am reminded of the frog's story i heard in NIPCCD the first day, about the frog who keeps on struggling finally ends up making butter and jumping off...... and the other one who gives up and dies.... well i want to be the butter frog but i just don't have the motivation to do so...... i feel exhausted even after i sleep, i feel sad even after getting compliments, i feel like a failure even after accomplishing things........ i cry despite not having anything to cry for..... GOD whats happening with me......

i have a perfect life.... parents who love and support me to the core.... i don't have to wake up early, make breakfast, care for my lunch or about how will i reach college or how long i will take to come back.... dad is willing to spend as much as i need on accessories for school, support me with any kind of support that i need, wait for me for as long as is needed when i get late .................. yet i come back home, bury myself in fictitious bloody and gory TV serials.... sit alone in my room and cry............... WHY????

i have a perfect life..... i am doing the kind of course i always wanted to do, I'm doing it out of my own pocket not dependent on anyone, I'm good at what i am doing, people colleagues as well as professors admit to my mettle and accept that i am good, i am loved and admired by everyone i meet............................ yet i feel alone, distressed, disappointed and dejected, i feel like a failure overpowered by my weaknesses and inability to perform................ WHY???

i have friends who want me to meet them, who want me to talk to them spend time with them, i have a guy who seems to be crazy about me................... yet i feel unloved, isolated and abandoned............................. WHY?????

God I'm not asking you to take away the pain....... that would be selfish and unfair...... all i ask i an understanding of why i need to go through the pain...... a reason that's it..... it will make everything worth it....... the yearning, the fear, the abandonment all for a reason and that reason is what i want to know......

i want to know why nothing is ever enough for me..... why nothing is ever good enough for me.... why do i always need more........ can somebody who is soo loved and admired feel soo isolated and lost..... am i good or am i bad????? am i such a good actress that i can fool the best psychologists i have met......... am i an attention seeker, someone who victimises herself so that she can gain attention...... is this outburst only because PS mam is not having an individual session with me while she seems to be talking to everyone else........ am i sooo self centered and narcissistic???? or is it that she has read me and want me to suffer and come out of my narcissism.......

i guess the basic question remains........ WHO AM I??? WHY AM I???

all i request and pray for are answers not salvation........ MY SAVIOUR DOESN'T EXIST so i suffer in acceptance but for that acceptance i need understanding....... My faith wavers ....... i need your support...... i need your shoulders to lean on and cry, to rest my head and to finally sleep..... maybe an eternal peaceful sleep

REST IN PEACE ANISHA MATHEWS!!!!! REST IN PEACE!!!!

Stock Taking........ Of Life

hi......

its me again.... this time i decided to do some Stock Taking of my life.... Long over due.....ok now im throughly confused...... should i begin with whats going good in my life of whats going bad????

ok decided i will begin with the worst to end with the best........

Things not working out......
Career
Education
Family
Dreams
Social Support
Love

Things working Out.....
Will to Move on....
Ability to sand up without any support......
Ability to make new friends......
Smile despite Insecurities......

alright so what do we do now...... i guess its time to stop looking at others and start looking inside.... im different... i am unable to live life teh way i would want it to...... (if i am able to live it that way i will surely die very very young....) and i guess thats the reason he(GOD) doesnt allow me to live my life my way.....

i have to accept that i will never live as wildly or as carefree as i would want to..... I am 27 now....... i guess now im tooo old to even want to live but dil hai ki maanta nahi....... :P

but then there this other side to me.... who wants to do things that i may actually be able to do..... social work, helping people out, reading, listening to the troubles of the troubled, learning..... the old mature things of life...... (a better example of the constant struggle between the id and superego will never be available)

now the fact remains what do i want to do..... are the two lives sooo explicit..... can i try and intermingle them..... can i be happy with what i get to do at this particular time..... so what if im not living the wild life now, maybe now's not the time for wild partying...... maybe its time for some serious living.... and some other time will be there for wild partying......


this is the time to invest in self.... in the brain...... time to gratify the superego....... sumday i will be gratifying the id also its a promise to you my dear!!!!! i wont stifle you for long..... just waiting for when it will be MY time..... as our society demands as of now its the Patriarch's time ......

Thank you for helping me clear MY MIND!!!!! feeling way better..... i thnk im gonna try an be regular now!!!! :P

SOME HOW IM SMILING AGAIN!!!!! LOVE YOU LIFE.......

the Greatest Fear!!!!!

what is the greatest fear...... is it the fear of the death, of sickness of failure.....no its the fear of the unknown....
this fear of the unknown encompasses all other fears.......

today I'm engulfed with this fear... the fear of the unknown.... you look at my life from outside its a perfect life..... living alone in a flat with 2 roommates, comfortable and good paying job, loving and caring family, some nice friends....... what else does one need in life... yet there is no satisfaction, no peace no contentment.

all that is there is unrest, is fear, is despair....... unrest because life seems stale, nothing new, its set in a routine.... though i love routine.... i need variety.... i need control and i need chaos.... i need a psychiatrist...... :)

there resides in me the fear that i will leave this world without achieving anything significant.... i try.... i really try that everyday i must do something that touches at least one life.... alas easier said than done..... i guess what i crave for is recognition.... even if it is someone coming up to me and just saying u made my day/ week/ moth/ year/ life worthwhile...... that's it..... i guess.......

there is lots i want to say but i don't feel like writing today... because today I'm not writing for my self I'm writing for an audience and that never helps... its always brings fears of evaluation.... and i am never true to myself... always trying to please the unseen audience....

today AS came up and asked that why  is it that am unable to control impulses and behave like I'm a superhero.... and i said that's coz u haven't yet crossed the threshold from childhood to adulthood completely...... i wonder if i have...... am i not yet a teenager???? always fearful, always ingratiating always conscious????

God i want to do soo many things.... i want to be a part of IAHP, become a trainer, learn play therapy, set up my training institute, get my M Phil, fall in love, get married, have kids...... help out underprivileged kids where ever i can and make good money also......

from where i stand today no one of the above seems like it is going to come true...... that is what scares me...... that is my fear of unknown.... if i know that i will achieve all this I'm willing to wait but its the not knowing that is killing me..... stopping me from taking that first step..... from plunging into the ocean.....

but as PI's FB status said" it wasn't raining when God asked Noah to build the Ark..... that's called faith....... I guess what i need/ want is someone to stand up and say "do it, i know u can, so please go ahead and do it" someone who can guarantee that i wont fail or even if i fail i wont be criticized..........

i know i should start taking responsibility for my actions and not wait for signs from above but but but i just lack the conviction, the fear of the consequence is too much... like whats happening with SK, if she had not begun to ignore me life would actually have been worse but i am killing myself over the fact that she doesn't care anymore when that actually a good thing as it means less useless work and more time for actual work.....


OHH MY GOD HELP ME HERE........ SHOW MW THE PATH..... GIVE ME THE STRENGTH..... LEAD THE WAY..... AND GIVE ME THE ABILITY AND CONVICTION TO FOLLOW!!!!!

रोज़  रोज़ आँखों तले एक ही सपना जले 

again that sinking feeling is back.... why today... coz its opportunistic..... no poonam, all alone in teh room... the opportunity to cry......

पाता नहीं क्यूँ ..  लग रहा है, फिर वही अकेलापन ।वाही ..दर्द.dard ....लौट आया  है

im not even in a mood to write... i was supposed to accomplish so much today but nothing is done... tmw again its back to the same school, same work, same grind... i dreamt of a job which i would love, i love teh part where students come to me and feel that i can help them out, but its the other grind that i hate

the politics the endles belief that i am worthless, nothing that i do will ever please her, im loosing myself again.... my only respite is swimming,  takes out some sadness from me....

din khali khali barthan hai aur raat hai jaise andha dhuan....

i think its the lack of people to communicate.... i feel like im alone in a sea of people..... i feel my level of stimulation is way over that is normal.... i need people, i need activity, i need to be teh center of attraction only then will i be happy......

Lord, sometimes its difficult understanding that your plans for my life are different from mine. At time yes, I also give you a good fight and blackmail you to stick to mine. But Confusingly enough despite all I know you want the best for me - Hence I shall wait on thee :).
Yours truly.

im lost....  officially...... can u i know u will without me even askin but i am of little hope and belief......i get scared...... help m out...... u knwo my desires and wishes........ if im not entitled to them then just erase them.... if i am entitled to them tehn give me teh courge to wait!!!!!!

good night!!!!!!

Deary Day at Work!!!!

its a first time that i am writing from a public space... away from the safety of my room...... i guess the attempt is to write at least one blog without shedding some tears!!! now that ironic because the very reason i write in this blog is when i am feeling low and want to vent out that which cannot be told out aloud in the public.

what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......

anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........

this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be  religious  and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.

happiness seems to be around all those who are  religious  in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!

still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!

love you........

P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........

ये एक phase है........

वो देखने में कैसी सीढ़ी साधी लगती, है बोलती की वो तो कुछ नहीं समझती, अन्दर से कितनी तेज़ है....
कभी अजीब सी कभी हसीन लगती, कभी किसी किताब का है scene लगती, philosophy का craze है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

यह कहाँ मैं आ गया, बोलो कैसा ये तैयार है, दिल किस्सी का हो गया न इस्पे इख्तेयार है,
करूँ तो क्या करूँ, कहूँ तोह क्या कहूँ, ये गाना भी थ उसको पास लाने का महम है......

छुप छुप मेरे दिल क राज़ खोलती, हाँ तकिये में मेरे ख्वाब भी टटोलती, possessiveness का case है......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

जाने जा जाने मन तो हर गाने में आता है....परवाना romeo हर लड़का ही बन जाता है.....
लिखूं तो क्या लिखूं , बनू तो क्या बनू....... के फिल्मों में लड़का ही क्यूँ लड़की को फसाता है......

मैं चाहूँ भी तो मैं सभी वो कर जाता हूँ, वो आये सामने तो मैं सुधर जाता हूँ, लड़की एक full on chase है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

Aahatein

छोटी छोटी बातें यूँही आते जाते, यादें सहलाके जाती हैं...

रातों को सिरहाने, बंसी मुस्काने, मुझको सुलाके जाती है,
मिलना नहीं है मुमकिन, इतना बताओ लेकिन, हम फिर मिलें क्यूँ हैं
तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

मैंने नहीं जाना, तुने नहीं जाने, जाने अनजाने जो हुआ.....
कुछ तो हुआ जो, मुझ को हुआ न, तुझको मगर क्यूँ हुआ....
गलती नहीं है तेरी, गलती नहीं है मेरी.....फिर भी गिले क्यूँ है.....

तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

Tears of the smile!!!!

hi.... im back

after such a long time..... every time i promise to be regular and never am able to....... so now i wont promise only :)

why today.... heard a news.... AJD got engaged.... did not call me.... actually she could not inform me despite me staying just a stones throw away from her..... called her screamed at her.... she apologized... i forgave yet threatened her and dared her to meet me alone... she promised to throw her fiancee in front of me as her safety net..... but that's not why i am writing today!!!!

im writing coz dat feeling which had been suppressed and repressed for so long is surfacing again.... d fear rears it head again... the facade is threatening to give away!!!! what am i talkin about!!!!! the fear that i will never love again as i loved once.... i will compromise and agree to an arranged marriage..... thou i accept to the world that i am ready for an arranged marriage and mayb i am also but the desire still lingers..... the heart still aches..... d hope still flutters!!!!

its generally ok.... i manage to convince my beating heart!!!! but on occasions like this when i see love all around and how friends are achieving happiness and love my heart begins to sigh..... it takes me back to those days when i had what they have now..... it makes me wonder will i ever have that.... how long will i have to wait if ever....... am i willing enof to trust that it will happen.....

will it be incidental like AE or will it be willing like AJD???? will it happen or will i have to MAKE it happen???? will it come naturally or will someone woo me, pamper me, cherish me..... questions abound... no one to answer, no one to even share...... i feel alone... more so because i know there's nothing i can do about it..... so it feels stupid to even share it.....

but i wish i could have someone to talk it out...... i miss AE so much these days..... i need a substitute...... wish i could go to NK again.... but she is expensive and has no time, cant blame her..... but that one session was cathartic, was freeing and was beautiful...... life was (maybe still is) comparatively easy since...... mayb im just connecting irrelevant dots but things seem to have become better....... im not as flustered as i used to be....... i am able to take things easy now.........

dunno how long it will last...... desperately wish i could just open up and cry in front of someone...... let out my fears without feeling that i will b judged...... but how can the Strong army officers daughter ever cry in front of someone....... my strength is my curse.....

i used to boast that i will be the last one to get married within my group.... all the time wishing that i am wrong.... but my worst fears are coming true..... everyone is getting married and falling in love!!!! i on the contrary, am still single and loveless

inherent is the belief that im still single coz im not lovable.... im not like others..... im not beautiful..... i don't know how to behave..... im too childish..... im too different...... im just not good!!!! my inferiority is fueled by my loneliness....... and my loneliness is compounded by my status.....

im not wanting to write anymore..... i fear indifference and helplessness has crept in.... i found out that their is a limit to how sorry u can feel for urself..... and i just crossed that limit..... instead of delving into despair.... i decide to just let go.... let the pain and fear and sadness engulf me... let me drown... let me sleep it off!!!!

my only escape..... my only rescue...... sleep..... unconscious...... regressing back to my prenatal fetal state..... curled up within my mom's womb where all i feel is peace and comfort, no pain, no lovelessness, no sadness, no despair....... just silence and me!!!!!!

Good night sweet heart!!!!

one of the good days

hi, I'm trying to get to be regular with my writing, so from now on maybe the posts are gonna get boring with only a description of my daily life and its activities...... but bear with me... its from the mundane events of life that deep learning are learnt :)

so whats the highlight of today?? a new crush developed (Taylor lautner), getting the feeling that someone I'm not so interested is interested in me.... someone is trying to reduce the distances (SB) I'm enjoying the attention..... and the eternal problem persists..... NM is being a pain in d ....... as usual.........

what happened today, she came in and switched off the lights to change...... all this while i was sitting and working on the laptop in the same room..... just coz she passes her time on laptop she thinks everybody does so..... its so hard to hate some1 and still live with the same person..... its like being married...........

please god let this not be a practice session for my married life.... i will kill myself.... :) its weird how we put up with a lot of shit from strangers while at home we are the most intolerant :) i guess the learning for today is that if some one is willing to be intolerant with u it means that they are warming up to u :) really...... i don't believe that.... but its a good concept if one is tryin to find positivity in a hopeless situation!!!!!

i was talkin abt her yesterday so now i have reached a decision actually i had reached the decision yesterday only but due to HER i could not finish my blog..... so what I'm gonna do to survive with her. 2 point plan of action

1) keep writing take out all my frustration here so that it doesn't burst out on her.....

2) don't give in to her bullying nor get pulled into her attempts to irritate me.....

I'm planning to find her limit of irritation.... without provoking or screaming at her can i assertively try and find out what is her breaking point.... at what point does she stop playing these games of innocuously provoking people and come out and become obvious of her attempts.....

the aim is not to torture her or myself the aim is to tip her over the scale and probably begin her healing or transformation process...... she needs to change and that will happen not until someone knowingly frustrates her...... i want her to break down and then rebuild herself.... unless she does that there is no hope for her......

and this plan can be successful only with ur help and guidance god... no one else can help me out here... give me the strength and the patience to deal with this PATIENT who also happens to be living with me.......

16th November..... the day of realisations!!!!

today is the day of realisations..... the day i begin to see the divine plan..... the disguised blessings..... the day i realised that whatever i hve taken as unfair and disappointing was all for a reason....

not ever meeting AA was a blessing in disguise, maybe its so good because its soo unreal.... mayb it will be ruined teh day it becomes real.... i got a comfortable job,,, am living near yet away from my family, im earning nof to save and to enjoy..... living with sum1 who will be instrumental in teaching me assertiveness... working with the group of ppl who will again teach me to be stern as well as gentle.... patience is a virtue i am developin.....

constantly being able to look at myself from someone else's eyes gives me teh oppertunity to see how good i am... to believe in my abilities...... an opportunity to be pampered and yet play out my eccentricities..... to be what i have never been able to be coz i was always under teh shadow of a large and protective bird.....

this si teh chance i hve to fly, somersalt and dive yet come back to the nesta nd snuggle under teh protective wings of the father...... an opportunity for me to bring discipline and order in my life..... to review my passions and my desires..... to be myself.....

this si the day i say thanks to GOD for putting up with me, for trusting in me and for not giving up on me...... for not giving in to me..... for making me strong and weak... for giving me teh wisdom to finally figure out his divine plan......

thsi does not mean i hve changed..... i still long and desire and crave for teh same things.... i stillll hurt and feel for the same things.....

what is it with some people..... why cnt they just handle that maybe someone is genuine.... its funny and hilarious..... the incident today.... an issue erupted again..... NM at teh core i kno she fueled the issue but when someone tries to salvage the issue she gets irritated..... today i am teh brunt of her irritation.... i am goin to play a game.... not be sucked into her game..... she can induce as much irritation as she want in me i will not give..... let me see when i her breaking point..... to what extent will she go to get me to have an argument with her..... she just could not digest the fact that U praised me and said i love her nd care for her..... she had to discount the importance... she had to interfere she had to say taht its not genuine...... and i think what infuriated her more was my refusal to comment on it..... i let it slip and she could not bear that.... guess this stupid face taht she made and teh rude way she is talkin to me is an after effect of her irritation....

it seems that there is a new accomplice that she has found.... a support..... i try hard to understand her..... will write more later!!!!!

comedy within tragedy!!!!

its funny when what u want the most is what u are scared of the most....

this blog today is not abt my rants on how life is unfair to me today its a question that i keep debating within myself....

it is about the existence of GOD...... im always confused abt does god exist or not......

more importantly does my god exist or not...... he (my gender bias) always makes me believe that he does exist... how well anything i wish for, pray for and weep for i never get... there has to b sumone up there preventing it otherwise how can it happen every time....... so i know he is up there... what i dont know is if he is on my side or not..... i know he loves me... he is supposed to right, that's what gods do they love human beings...... but he also needs to show that to me.... am i blind that i cannot see his blessings or is he just waiting for the right time to dazzle me???

i dunno..... I'm afraid to wish for things now.... why coz I'm sure he will use it against me..... its not even a rebellious streak in me that says that whats happening is unfair... that i should not be treated this way.... that's what scares me... i am just accepting..... accepting that things are gonna go wrong.... and i am making them go wrong

is it self fulfilling prophesy...... whats happening, its as if i don't wanna accept it for myself that things are changing that i am beginning to feel something..... something that has long been buried, something that has long been just yearned and prayed and wished for...... I'm standing on the razor sharp realisation that i "feel" and the fear that if i feel i will lose it...... gosh i cried i cried for it now its lost forever

i have somehow cum to believe that anything that i desire and brings happiness to me is destined to be taken away from me..... i cannot even make myself write that i love, coz the fear of loosing is soo acute...... its almost like a physical pain in my heart....... i know this is different from the others coz i have never actively pushed anyone way just because I'm scared of loosing them..... every time i have pushed a guy away its coz i don't see the future working out in our favor..... but here..... this time.... i don't even want to imagine a future..... why because i fear that just imagining d future will make GOD realise that i desire it and it will be taken away.......

it sounds funny to u,,,, u think that i think that u cannot hold me forever, honestly that's not it..... what i fear is that u may not love me back coz u never said so..... if i see u i will not be able to tell myself that u are not real, that i cannot fall in love with a dream..... i know d moment i see u, u become real and the moment u become real i fall in love with u, the moment that happens GOD will do something to ruin it and....... leave me heart broken again...... now i can pull my heart back by imagining the distance the impossibility of a face to face meeting, the futility of the desire but not once i have met u...... not once i have touched u...... den u become ingrained in me and that loss will be heart wrenching

once i lost a piece of my heart...... my childish immature pure and blissful love, lost it just like that..... no fault of mine...... no fault of his..... destiny..... never had anyone to blame (maybe if i had i wouldn't be such a wreck..... i wouldn't b so scared)....... never completely recovered from it.... still haven't...... the hurt lingers on...... any further possible love i compared with the intensity of the first one..... none matched.... none encouraged...... miserable for 8 years of my life...... burning in hell.... healing others but hurting inside....... wiping their tears and shedding my own.....

then i found u... with u it was different... everything was different.... we began differently..... non conventionally...... i don't even remember how we began talking...... it seems like we always did.... and den i send u ur gift after what 3 months of chatting???? never ever have i done that neither before nor after...... that was just that once....... 4 years never meeting face to face.... just chatting and talking..... many times i felt something weired but i brushed it aside saying its anyway never gonna work..... we r never gonna meet..... it was nice, it was different, it was mature...... u kept falling in and out of luv....... i kept falling in and out of u...... but still d distance made me feel safe..... it let me dream on and enjoy coz i knew this wasn't going to be ruined co this wasn't perfect.....

GOD could not keep us apart and yet ruin it cos he only ruins that which is perfect for me....... den she came in...... instilled the desire to meet, said out aloud what i was refusing to even consider deep inside my heart...... and i like a stupid jumped on it...... dreamt on it... tried to make it real.... involved u in this fiasco..... got ur hopes high and made u dream too...... and today when d reality is actually about to hit me I'm scared.... scared at what i have got into..... I'm beginning to make this imperfect relation into perfection..... I'm giving him a chance to ruin it..... actually I'm making him ruin it...... I HAVE RUINED IT........ there is no way i am ever gonna be able to cum to meet u..... I'm too scared to ask.....

GOD knows how much i want to be with u, hold u, touch u, talk to u but it will happen only in my fantasy....... i will never be allowed such bliss in reality, neither by society nor by divinity........ even if we meet what if ......... what if its only me who is in luv, u have never ever said anything, and i don't blame u for that....... u have been honest...... u have teased but never actually said...... what if I'm reading too much into something that's not there......... that would b the easiest way to ruin things........ again cannot blame anyone.....

I'm taking a huge risk...... I'm trusting someone who i don't even for sure believe exists....... i know if it fails all that I'm gonna do is trust that it was not for me and something better is in store but i have to take a chance....... many would say I'm making a huge mistake...... but many don't understand my fear.......... many don't understand my logic..... many don't know that all i want is for him to come here and tell me how much he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me..... but this time i throw the ball into ur court...... if this is meant to be u make it work...... never ever have u talked to me or given me anything i want so this time i leave it on u....... i want it and u know it but this time i wont beg...... i wont cry...... i wont plead..... i will look u in the eye and say do what u want to do...... i will live with regret that i did not do anything....... but i cannot live with the regret that u made me feel love again and then took it away..... so if he is mine i meet him, if i don't he is not..... the ball is in your court......

CANT LET U BREAK MY TRUST AGAIN...........

theory of displacement!!!

Today I experienced d theory of displacement. All u had to do ws cum up take d key frm me or ask me to get d book down and collect it frm me, but no instead u go to d boss and complain... Lil baby... And he has to do sumthin... Its his bubbles who has complained... So instead of hearin anythin he screams @ d one who seems to be powerless and who will surely not reply back... So what do I do I jst listen... U anyway didn't want to hear my side so what's d point... U lost any tiny amt of respect dat I had for u.... To reinforce ur narcissim u keep favs and dat bugs me...

Ur makin it easy for me to leave trust me... U won't miss me I kno... Only when I threaten to leave will u begin to be my best frnd... Ur shallow... Always knew dat
Jst didn't kno dat sum ppl will change soo much... So soon

Its ok I jst hav to be professional... Don't talk, jst wrk and don't let any1 complain abt dat, no more favors, no more adjustments... Me first... Wrk later

Id Ego Super ego

Id cannot fullifill all its needs instantly so it resolves the tension by primary processes like forming mental images of the desired obejct... Mayb this is why I never feel d intense urge for sexual gratification as many I kno do. My superego cause my id to sublimate dis unacceptable wish into a more socially acceptable need for companionship and my I'd resolves d conflict by forming mental images of companionship aka dreams of love!!!! Eureka!!!

duniya mein kitna gam hai....

Duniya mein kitna gam hai,aapna gam kitna kam hai...
Saari duniya ke paas gam baatne ke liye anisha hai, pata nahi anisha ka gam baantne wala koi kab milega...
Accha lagta hai when ppl think u are approachable and that u can share their pain, disappointments and embarassments, when dey trust u and feel that feelings to difficult for them to handle and too personal to share are safe with u....
But what do u do with those feelings, where do u dispose dem safely, how many graves do u dig in this lil space called heart :)
And what do u do if someone else's disappointments make u feel even worseAn like d guy u have a crush on (dis is since u have not had a BF for 7 yrs)discusses his disappointments in his very much active luv life... When blissfully ignorant to ur pain he shares his crushes wid u,how lil does he kno the daggers that pierce ur heart when he is checkin out other females and u stand by and support ur "very good" friend....

Where do I spill out my heart except to u... :)
Thanks for being around... Thanks for jst listenin.... Even tho I kno that nothin is ever gonna happen but " dil toh baccha hai ji, thoda kaccha hai ji"