The Day I wished I could Stop Dreaming

OH what a life.... when u want to be well but all you manage to do is push your illness a little further away.... its inevitable.... eventually i succumb.... to the comparisons i create within myself... to the constant scrutiny of the misfortune around me.... to the eternal jealousy within me.... to the repressed anger against the world and against this unfair universe..... where all that i give i never receive....

everyone says (OK at least some people say) that i am good, caring, loving, helpful, sensitive, approachable, available, selfless...... i think i am at least a very people's person.... but then i wonder... it can't be true.... because people also say good things happen to good people.... so where are my good things.... if what you give comes back to you, then where is the love, support and care that i have been giving (without expecting anything back) all these years.... if life is fair... why am i still without love when all i have consciously given is love.....

this is directly between u (the universe) and me..... OK i am not the best of the people around... i have my complexes and my inferiority..... but even you have to admit that i have given everyone a fair chance.... maybe more than a fair chance.... it might be my non assertiveness and my inability to say no but when i listen to some one's side of the story, i genuinely listen.... when i love i love without any malice.... when i help i help without any expectation..... when i am there i am completely and truly there......

so if u admit to that then comes my next part..... when i have given so much where is the return gift??? why am i without love when everyone else seems to have a shoulder to lean on?? why am i alone when everyone has found their "special" one??? why am i unhappy when those who hurt me are happy??? why am i full of self doubt when people hundred time worse are confident like a bull??

Don't get me wrong i have nothing against any of them... if anything i always pray they get what they deserve and be content with life... i m only worried about myself.... u may have heard this a million times "why me??" i m asking "why not me?".... Am i not yet ready?? or do i have no scope?? either way the waiting is killing me.... the self induced torture is excruciating.... i cant live anymore like this.... pretending things don't effect me... pretending I'm immune..... pretending i don't care and most importantly pretending I'm happy the way things are..... because trust me... i AM NOT.....

OK lets just review what my dreams are.... what is it that i am asking for.... maybe i am asking for too much.... OK in no particular order of priority what are the things i want.... M Phil, my own training center and clinic.... decent enough and steady bank account.... a guy who understands me and loves me for who i am and not who i have to be.... a husband who is supportive, caring, motivating and crazy like and about me..... two kids, a 3 BHK house and an opportunity to give back to the society.... in an ideal world i would love to be famous for helping people and have loads of people in whose life i have made a difference and they know it and are grateful about it... that's all i need gratitude and satisfaction....

i pray everyone around me finds contentment when i crave for it the most.....

so my desires are finally out in the open.... now i have done my part.... so universe conspire and tell me are they too much to ask.... I'm not challenging I'm questioning, because if they are then u have to wipe them clean from my psyche, my heart and my soul.... i wont mind not having something as long as i don't long for it.... i don't wanna be a millionaire (though it wouldn't hurt if i get to be one) because i don't long for it.....

so today i hand over a huge responsibility to u..... wipe clean from my deepest soul all those desires that i don't deserve and wont ever achieve and what ever is left ensure that i achieve it.... give me the strength to have faith till i achieve them.... but do wipe clean that which I'm not destined for.....

Let Toady Be The Day Anisha Stops Dreaming.......

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है , हाँ थोडा दर्द  होगा पर चलता है।