Deary Day at Work!!!!

its a first time that i am writing from a public space... away from the safety of my room...... i guess the attempt is to write at least one blog without shedding some tears!!! now that ironic because the very reason i write in this blog is when i am feeling low and want to vent out that which cannot be told out aloud in the public.

what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......

anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........

this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be  religious  and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.

happiness seems to be around all those who are  religious  in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!

still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!

love you........

P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........

ये एक phase है........

वो देखने में कैसी सीढ़ी साधी लगती, है बोलती की वो तो कुछ नहीं समझती, अन्दर से कितनी तेज़ है....
कभी अजीब सी कभी हसीन लगती, कभी किसी किताब का है scene लगती, philosophy का craze है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

यह कहाँ मैं आ गया, बोलो कैसा ये तैयार है, दिल किस्सी का हो गया न इस्पे इख्तेयार है,
करूँ तो क्या करूँ, कहूँ तोह क्या कहूँ, ये गाना भी थ उसको पास लाने का महम है......

छुप छुप मेरे दिल क राज़ खोलती, हाँ तकिये में मेरे ख्वाब भी टटोलती, possessiveness का case है......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

जाने जा जाने मन तो हर गाने में आता है....परवाना romeo हर लड़का ही बन जाता है.....
लिखूं तो क्या लिखूं , बनू तो क्या बनू....... के फिल्मों में लड़का ही क्यूँ लड़की को फसाता है......

मैं चाहूँ भी तो मैं सभी वो कर जाता हूँ, वो आये सामने तो मैं सुधर जाता हूँ, लड़की एक full on chase है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

Aahatein

छोटी छोटी बातें यूँही आते जाते, यादें सहलाके जाती हैं...

रातों को सिरहाने, बंसी मुस्काने, मुझको सुलाके जाती है,
मिलना नहीं है मुमकिन, इतना बताओ लेकिन, हम फिर मिलें क्यूँ हैं
तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

मैंने नहीं जाना, तुने नहीं जाने, जाने अनजाने जो हुआ.....
कुछ तो हुआ जो, मुझ को हुआ न, तुझको मगर क्यूँ हुआ....
गलती नहीं है तेरी, गलती नहीं है मेरी.....फिर भी गिले क्यूँ है.....

तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

Tears of the smile!!!!

hi.... im back

after such a long time..... every time i promise to be regular and never am able to....... so now i wont promise only :)

why today.... heard a news.... AJD got engaged.... did not call me.... actually she could not inform me despite me staying just a stones throw away from her..... called her screamed at her.... she apologized... i forgave yet threatened her and dared her to meet me alone... she promised to throw her fiancee in front of me as her safety net..... but that's not why i am writing today!!!!

im writing coz dat feeling which had been suppressed and repressed for so long is surfacing again.... d fear rears it head again... the facade is threatening to give away!!!! what am i talkin about!!!!! the fear that i will never love again as i loved once.... i will compromise and agree to an arranged marriage..... thou i accept to the world that i am ready for an arranged marriage and mayb i am also but the desire still lingers..... the heart still aches..... d hope still flutters!!!!

its generally ok.... i manage to convince my beating heart!!!! but on occasions like this when i see love all around and how friends are achieving happiness and love my heart begins to sigh..... it takes me back to those days when i had what they have now..... it makes me wonder will i ever have that.... how long will i have to wait if ever....... am i willing enof to trust that it will happen.....

will it be incidental like AE or will it be willing like AJD???? will it happen or will i have to MAKE it happen???? will it come naturally or will someone woo me, pamper me, cherish me..... questions abound... no one to answer, no one to even share...... i feel alone... more so because i know there's nothing i can do about it..... so it feels stupid to even share it.....

but i wish i could have someone to talk it out...... i miss AE so much these days..... i need a substitute...... wish i could go to NK again.... but she is expensive and has no time, cant blame her..... but that one session was cathartic, was freeing and was beautiful...... life was (maybe still is) comparatively easy since...... mayb im just connecting irrelevant dots but things seem to have become better....... im not as flustered as i used to be....... i am able to take things easy now.........

dunno how long it will last...... desperately wish i could just open up and cry in front of someone...... let out my fears without feeling that i will b judged...... but how can the Strong army officers daughter ever cry in front of someone....... my strength is my curse.....

i used to boast that i will be the last one to get married within my group.... all the time wishing that i am wrong.... but my worst fears are coming true..... everyone is getting married and falling in love!!!! i on the contrary, am still single and loveless

inherent is the belief that im still single coz im not lovable.... im not like others..... im not beautiful..... i don't know how to behave..... im too childish..... im too different...... im just not good!!!! my inferiority is fueled by my loneliness....... and my loneliness is compounded by my status.....

im not wanting to write anymore..... i fear indifference and helplessness has crept in.... i found out that their is a limit to how sorry u can feel for urself..... and i just crossed that limit..... instead of delving into despair.... i decide to just let go.... let the pain and fear and sadness engulf me... let me drown... let me sleep it off!!!!

my only escape..... my only rescue...... sleep..... unconscious...... regressing back to my prenatal fetal state..... curled up within my mom's womb where all i feel is peace and comfort, no pain, no lovelessness, no sadness, no despair....... just silence and me!!!!!!

Good night sweet heart!!!!

one of the good days

hi, I'm trying to get to be regular with my writing, so from now on maybe the posts are gonna get boring with only a description of my daily life and its activities...... but bear with me... its from the mundane events of life that deep learning are learnt :)

so whats the highlight of today?? a new crush developed (Taylor lautner), getting the feeling that someone I'm not so interested is interested in me.... someone is trying to reduce the distances (SB) I'm enjoying the attention..... and the eternal problem persists..... NM is being a pain in d ....... as usual.........

what happened today, she came in and switched off the lights to change...... all this while i was sitting and working on the laptop in the same room..... just coz she passes her time on laptop she thinks everybody does so..... its so hard to hate some1 and still live with the same person..... its like being married...........

please god let this not be a practice session for my married life.... i will kill myself.... :) its weird how we put up with a lot of shit from strangers while at home we are the most intolerant :) i guess the learning for today is that if some one is willing to be intolerant with u it means that they are warming up to u :) really...... i don't believe that.... but its a good concept if one is tryin to find positivity in a hopeless situation!!!!!

i was talkin abt her yesterday so now i have reached a decision actually i had reached the decision yesterday only but due to HER i could not finish my blog..... so what I'm gonna do to survive with her. 2 point plan of action

1) keep writing take out all my frustration here so that it doesn't burst out on her.....

2) don't give in to her bullying nor get pulled into her attempts to irritate me.....

I'm planning to find her limit of irritation.... without provoking or screaming at her can i assertively try and find out what is her breaking point.... at what point does she stop playing these games of innocuously provoking people and come out and become obvious of her attempts.....

the aim is not to torture her or myself the aim is to tip her over the scale and probably begin her healing or transformation process...... she needs to change and that will happen not until someone knowingly frustrates her...... i want her to break down and then rebuild herself.... unless she does that there is no hope for her......

and this plan can be successful only with ur help and guidance god... no one else can help me out here... give me the strength and the patience to deal with this PATIENT who also happens to be living with me.......

16th November..... the day of realisations!!!!

today is the day of realisations..... the day i begin to see the divine plan..... the disguised blessings..... the day i realised that whatever i hve taken as unfair and disappointing was all for a reason....

not ever meeting AA was a blessing in disguise, maybe its so good because its soo unreal.... mayb it will be ruined teh day it becomes real.... i got a comfortable job,,, am living near yet away from my family, im earning nof to save and to enjoy..... living with sum1 who will be instrumental in teaching me assertiveness... working with the group of ppl who will again teach me to be stern as well as gentle.... patience is a virtue i am developin.....

constantly being able to look at myself from someone else's eyes gives me teh oppertunity to see how good i am... to believe in my abilities...... an opportunity to be pampered and yet play out my eccentricities..... to be what i have never been able to be coz i was always under teh shadow of a large and protective bird.....

this si teh chance i hve to fly, somersalt and dive yet come back to the nesta nd snuggle under teh protective wings of the father...... an opportunity for me to bring discipline and order in my life..... to review my passions and my desires..... to be myself.....

this si the day i say thanks to GOD for putting up with me, for trusting in me and for not giving up on me...... for not giving in to me..... for making me strong and weak... for giving me teh wisdom to finally figure out his divine plan......

thsi does not mean i hve changed..... i still long and desire and crave for teh same things.... i stillll hurt and feel for the same things.....

what is it with some people..... why cnt they just handle that maybe someone is genuine.... its funny and hilarious..... the incident today.... an issue erupted again..... NM at teh core i kno she fueled the issue but when someone tries to salvage the issue she gets irritated..... today i am teh brunt of her irritation.... i am goin to play a game.... not be sucked into her game..... she can induce as much irritation as she want in me i will not give..... let me see when i her breaking point..... to what extent will she go to get me to have an argument with her..... she just could not digest the fact that U praised me and said i love her nd care for her..... she had to discount the importance... she had to interfere she had to say taht its not genuine...... and i think what infuriated her more was my refusal to comment on it..... i let it slip and she could not bear that.... guess this stupid face taht she made and teh rude way she is talkin to me is an after effect of her irritation....

it seems that there is a new accomplice that she has found.... a support..... i try hard to understand her..... will write more later!!!!!

comedy within tragedy!!!!

its funny when what u want the most is what u are scared of the most....

this blog today is not abt my rants on how life is unfair to me today its a question that i keep debating within myself....

it is about the existence of GOD...... im always confused abt does god exist or not......

more importantly does my god exist or not...... he (my gender bias) always makes me believe that he does exist... how well anything i wish for, pray for and weep for i never get... there has to b sumone up there preventing it otherwise how can it happen every time....... so i know he is up there... what i dont know is if he is on my side or not..... i know he loves me... he is supposed to right, that's what gods do they love human beings...... but he also needs to show that to me.... am i blind that i cannot see his blessings or is he just waiting for the right time to dazzle me???

i dunno..... I'm afraid to wish for things now.... why coz I'm sure he will use it against me..... its not even a rebellious streak in me that says that whats happening is unfair... that i should not be treated this way.... that's what scares me... i am just accepting..... accepting that things are gonna go wrong.... and i am making them go wrong

is it self fulfilling prophesy...... whats happening, its as if i don't wanna accept it for myself that things are changing that i am beginning to feel something..... something that has long been buried, something that has long been just yearned and prayed and wished for...... I'm standing on the razor sharp realisation that i "feel" and the fear that if i feel i will lose it...... gosh i cried i cried for it now its lost forever

i have somehow cum to believe that anything that i desire and brings happiness to me is destined to be taken away from me..... i cannot even make myself write that i love, coz the fear of loosing is soo acute...... its almost like a physical pain in my heart....... i know this is different from the others coz i have never actively pushed anyone way just because I'm scared of loosing them..... every time i have pushed a guy away its coz i don't see the future working out in our favor..... but here..... this time.... i don't even want to imagine a future..... why because i fear that just imagining d future will make GOD realise that i desire it and it will be taken away.......

it sounds funny to u,,,, u think that i think that u cannot hold me forever, honestly that's not it..... what i fear is that u may not love me back coz u never said so..... if i see u i will not be able to tell myself that u are not real, that i cannot fall in love with a dream..... i know d moment i see u, u become real and the moment u become real i fall in love with u, the moment that happens GOD will do something to ruin it and....... leave me heart broken again...... now i can pull my heart back by imagining the distance the impossibility of a face to face meeting, the futility of the desire but not once i have met u...... not once i have touched u...... den u become ingrained in me and that loss will be heart wrenching

once i lost a piece of my heart...... my childish immature pure and blissful love, lost it just like that..... no fault of mine...... no fault of his..... destiny..... never had anyone to blame (maybe if i had i wouldn't be such a wreck..... i wouldn't b so scared)....... never completely recovered from it.... still haven't...... the hurt lingers on...... any further possible love i compared with the intensity of the first one..... none matched.... none encouraged...... miserable for 8 years of my life...... burning in hell.... healing others but hurting inside....... wiping their tears and shedding my own.....

then i found u... with u it was different... everything was different.... we began differently..... non conventionally...... i don't even remember how we began talking...... it seems like we always did.... and den i send u ur gift after what 3 months of chatting???? never ever have i done that neither before nor after...... that was just that once....... 4 years never meeting face to face.... just chatting and talking..... many times i felt something weired but i brushed it aside saying its anyway never gonna work..... we r never gonna meet..... it was nice, it was different, it was mature...... u kept falling in and out of luv....... i kept falling in and out of u...... but still d distance made me feel safe..... it let me dream on and enjoy coz i knew this wasn't going to be ruined co this wasn't perfect.....

GOD could not keep us apart and yet ruin it cos he only ruins that which is perfect for me....... den she came in...... instilled the desire to meet, said out aloud what i was refusing to even consider deep inside my heart...... and i like a stupid jumped on it...... dreamt on it... tried to make it real.... involved u in this fiasco..... got ur hopes high and made u dream too...... and today when d reality is actually about to hit me I'm scared.... scared at what i have got into..... I'm beginning to make this imperfect relation into perfection..... I'm giving him a chance to ruin it..... actually I'm making him ruin it...... I HAVE RUINED IT........ there is no way i am ever gonna be able to cum to meet u..... I'm too scared to ask.....

GOD knows how much i want to be with u, hold u, touch u, talk to u but it will happen only in my fantasy....... i will never be allowed such bliss in reality, neither by society nor by divinity........ even if we meet what if ......... what if its only me who is in luv, u have never ever said anything, and i don't blame u for that....... u have been honest...... u have teased but never actually said...... what if I'm reading too much into something that's not there......... that would b the easiest way to ruin things........ again cannot blame anyone.....

I'm taking a huge risk...... I'm trusting someone who i don't even for sure believe exists....... i know if it fails all that I'm gonna do is trust that it was not for me and something better is in store but i have to take a chance....... many would say I'm making a huge mistake...... but many don't understand my fear.......... many don't understand my logic..... many don't know that all i want is for him to come here and tell me how much he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me..... but this time i throw the ball into ur court...... if this is meant to be u make it work...... never ever have u talked to me or given me anything i want so this time i leave it on u....... i want it and u know it but this time i wont beg...... i wont cry...... i wont plead..... i will look u in the eye and say do what u want to do...... i will live with regret that i did not do anything....... but i cannot live with the regret that u made me feel love again and then took it away..... so if he is mine i meet him, if i don't he is not..... the ball is in your court......

CANT LET U BREAK MY TRUST AGAIN...........