my intro to the new GF's

why am i here???

a tatttooed existence

its been a long time i have been thinking of getting a tattoo. i think i have almost decided on the design also adn where to get it tattooed also. since i came from VI and since EI got over this feeling has become very intense. it seems to me as a symbolic act for something.

my confusion arises from why am i doing this? i ahve identified the need but i am not able to identify the cause, the root cause that is. i am gonna write what comes into my mind as i always do and if u can make any sense out of it please do and yoyr feedback will be highly appreciated.

its been a desire since i think 11th std to get atttooed. i ahve been talking about it many times at home and as expected my dad is dead against it. all my life i have lived my life as my parenst wanted me to and moderating their needs to meet my desires. i ahve (except for once) never done anythng which i am sure will hurt thme and if i have done somthing then i make sure they never get to know. i know i am not the perfect daughter cause i have many times put my wishes ahead of theirs but nothing in my view has ever been so drastic as leaving an impact for life.

a tattoo will. my dad has a habit of innocently days months and years later bring up a grudge thathe holds against me while in a humorous context but that hurts me a lot........

needs raise heads again!!!!!

it is like i need that one person to tell me for me to believe it. i wont believe what everyone says. in a way i am still a very small child, testing whom to trust and whom not, intuitively deciding and observing everyone and once if i decide i cannot open up and accept your criticism or praise no matter what you do i will not be able to take your words with the same seriousness as i take that some one's words. its the same that happened between jatin and salman. when jatin said it i did not believe it, when salman said it, it struck as an insight. was it because it was salman who said it or was it because of the time and situation when he said it?????i think it was because it was salman. and now i know why it stuck me soooo hard and sooo deep because i love salman.......... i love him like a brother........... i project into him the elder brother i never had and always desired. and that is why no matter how much jatin forced us but i could never stop calling him SALMAN BHAI....... these are not just words for me, for me they are words filled with the intense emotion that is inherent in that relationship.

but what is this need to develop relationships where ever i go. i have no clue. why do i have to project a relation onto someone and then react accordingly??? i came to Gandhi fellowship to run away from my relations but i am still carrying them in my mind in my heart. how on earth will i ever be free if this process doesn't break. some people instantly become a part of you. whether they like it or not they live along in you as you.salman bhai is one, ashutosh is another. i don't know why but just sitting next to and the mere presence of either of the two makes my heart feel very nice and light. there was no need for me to sleep in the same room as ashutosh for two days but i did and we both know it was not because i wanted to listen to the songs on the radio. that was a secondary gain, but more than that it was his presence, the knowledge of the fact that he is in the same room sleeping peacefully,that was the feeling i was wanting to cherish. we may not speak a single word yet it seems like life could not have been beautiful. honestly, sometimes it feels that its for these people that i am not even think of leaving for next two years. i want to spend as much time with them as is allotted to me.

god knows whats gonna happen to me. if i keep writing like this i may resolve myself completely. but that is the beauty i know myself but i dont want to know myself.........i am goin crazzy......i am goin mad........ i am jealous of the love around me of which i cannot get a single droplet.........but i'll survive through it........ i will live through it as i have always done.

early morning realisations!!!!!

good morning,
howz life? me all fine here. wondering whats wrong with me?? welll i can say everything and nothing. life is coming into a full circle and this circle is not as big as i was thinking it will be. i can see it completely ,i can be the "neutral observer", i can keep myself away from the happenings and then think......... reflect.........introspect...........and in the end smile at the realisations and discoveries that i make.

why am i in a philosophical mood today??? have been in this mood for quite some time, but today finally it seeems something has come out of it. last night had a nice and long conversation with salman bhai.........there is some connection between us. either he gets me or i get him. somehow of all the older GF's i value his words the most and it is easy for me to accept feedback from him and not even jatin. yesterday he said that "यह बहुत बड़ी बात है की तुम ऐसा सोच भी रही हो अभी जबकि इस मुकाम पर हमें पहुँचने में बहुत वक्त लग गया था." earlier jatin or priyanka or someone else have also told me that it is a great thing that i have reached a level of realisation and ease within myself that others have not yet achieved. but it never sunk in soo deep as yesterday.

suddenly since then i have been feeling or looking at myself in a completely different light. i am no more that childish anisha who is inferior to everyone, who needs care and understanding and attention and pampering. i have suddenly grown up to be this more mature yet childish, more reflective yet ignorant and more secure and yet insecure human being. suddenly others feel like small children who need to be taken care of. small children who will come to me when they need some kind of satisfaction, some pleasure. be it release from suffering, be it humorous, teasing excitation whatever. even if they don't come it will be OK for me. that need to be in the lime light and be loved by everyone has diminished at least one degree. suddenly this self imposed isolation does not feel like an isolation it feels more like an elevated position of understanding and looking at things.

i may not be the best as i have always wanted but at least i can say that i am a little more me.i have let go of a few more defences of myself, i have come a bit closer to myself and, unlike priyanka, all this i achieved on my own. without any emotional support without any encouragement, without a shoulder to cry on. i wont take the credit away from the people who guided me through this route but i walked alone, i looked for and yet did not find any companion and then i walked alone knowing that i will never get any companion.

trust me it is hard enough to fight against your own defences than to add on the realisation that help will not come. the journey has been hard, exhausting and totally lonely but i WAS, AM and always WILL walk on. i am not a quitter i will fight one even for the worst case till i believe that i must fight. i will give in if it concerns others happiness but when it concerns only me, i valiantly tread on, on this thorn strewn path without any slippers.

की आया मौसम प्यार का

बहुत दिनों बाद आज फुर्सत मिली है की हम फुर्सत से बैठ कर आप से कुछ गुफ्तगू करें। आज यहाँ हरसू प्यार का मौसम छाया हुआ है।
its love in the air and a new couple has been added into the long list of cupid's success. dont get excited its not me. but of course, it cannot be me. after all i am reserved for that someone special, who has to come down from his heavenly throne and be my companion for life. and my Mr god is very busy right now so i'll ahve to wait till he gets time........

delusion of grandiosity.......... i deserve atleast this much. when all around people who never thought they will ever fall in love are falling in love the one person beggin to fall in love is single. the least i can do is feel grandious to make my inferiority complex go down.