घुंघुरू की तरह

घुंघुरू की तरह, बजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
कभी इस पग में, कभी उस पग में,
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं

कभी टूट गया कभी तोडा गया,
सौ बार मुझे फिर जोड़ा गया,
यूँ ही लुट लुट के, और मिट मिट के
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

मैं करती रही औरों की कही,
मेरी बात मेरे मन ही में रही,
कभी मन्दिर में, कभी महफिल में,
सजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

आपनो में रहे या गैरों में;
घुंघुरू की जगह तो है पैरों में;
फिर कैसा गिला, जग से जो मिला;
सहती ही रही हूँ मैं;
घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं

घुंघुरू की तरह , बजती ही रही हूँ मैं;
कभी इस पग में, कभी उस पग में,
बंधती ही रही हूँ मैं

किशोर दा

The Pain Inside

hi, im back.... this new year begins with tears in my eyes. hope the whole year will not be like that.

wondering why i am writing today or rather now.... well again same reason tooo much to hold no one to tell. it all began the day i went to chandini chowk to aid a friend in her search for some one we met the some one. didnt have too much hassles. but on the way back someone picked my sweater pocket and stole my one and only motoroker E6 cell. i was again abt to write i lost it but im tryin to not put the whole blame on me. this is a loss i will never be able to fulfill. it had become a part of my soul, a part of me i never had experienced earlier. it let me be what i always wanted to be, spontaneous, creative, FREE. it became my soul, my life and i lost it actually it seems like along with it went the desire to live. the fear of death, the feeling of happiness, since then i hav become droopy, tears flowin down my cheek for no reason, not enjoyin, not talkin, wantin to jst curl up and not feel not live................. this is not good but i dont know how to get out..... im not writin much today because i literally forced myself to write this entry.... i dont feel like.............LIVING, BREATHING, ENJOYING,

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!

I CANT GIVE UP EITHER!!!!!!!

what do i do????????????? what do i????????????

आईने के सौ टुकड़े

आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं;

एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

जो बना था एक साथी, वो भी हमसे छुठा है;
बेवफा नही जब वो, फिर क्यूँ हमसे रूठा है;
खोई खोई आँखों में, आंसुओं के मेले हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे सौ में भी अकेले हें
आइने के सौ टुकड़े कर्के हमने देखे हें

उसका हाल क्या होगा, यह ही गम सताता है;
नींद भी नही आती, दर्द बढता जाता है;
ज़िन्दगी की राहों में, लोग हमसे खेले हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं
आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं

हर तरफ़ उजाला है, दिल में एक अँधेरा है;
सामने कब आएगा, क्यूँ छुपा सवेरा है;
मेरा दिल, जिगर देखो, कितने दर्द झेलें हैं;
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

आईने के सौ टुकड़े, कर के हमने देखे हैं
एक में भी तनहा थे, सौ में भी अकेले हैं

AS LONG AS U LOVE ME

although lonelines has always been a friend of mine,
im leaving my life in ur hands,
people say im crazzy and that i am blind!!!!!
risking it all in a game......
and how u got me blind is still a mystery.........
i cant get u out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont care whats been in ur history!!!!!!!!!
as long as ur here with me................
I DONT CARE WHO U ARE........WHERE U R FROM......WHAT U DID...... AS LONG AS U LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
every little thing that u have said and done.......
feels like its deep within me.........
doesnt really matter if ur on the run..........
seems like we are meant to be.........
I DONT CARE WHO U ARE........WHERE U R FROM......WHAT U DID...... AS LONG AS U LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!
i have tried to hide it so that no one knows........
but i guess it showsss....
when u look into my eyes.........
what u did and where ur cumin from..........i dont care.......
as long as u love me...............

BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!!!!!!!

am i the savior or the one to be saved???????

hi.............
me back again with thoughts........problems.......... confusions........ questions??????
guess u must be used to it by now..............
my new dilemma as the title says "am i the savior or d one to be saved"
quite a lot of time i have asked my self this question and very confidently reached the conslusion that i am the savior,not the one to be saved.... i carry the resposibility of the entire universe (my universe......my family and my friends) on my shoulders.........these are the shoulders of army officers daughter...........they are not weak they dont need support but they are always there to support others..............to lend the helpin hand goin to whatever extend needed.........i hve always been like that...........act before i think.........jump in to save anytime i see anyone in trouble...............its a great feeling............ANISHA the SAVIOR of all.........a frnd once jokingly said..........GOD cant individually handle everyone so he sent ANISHA to tackle a few.............we laughed and i enjoyed believeing that to be completely true...........

dont get me wrong............i love the part im playin.......mayb the only true part of me that i can say i enjoy and am proud of..........i do things to people.........i change lives without being aware of it..........i hve sumthin in me that helps people and im grateful to god for that...........then wheres the problem...........really is there one!!!!!!!!!

the problem is the second part of this coin.........after interval the pic begins from the savior needin support..........all my past life i lived in the illusion that i dont need naybody..........being independent meant being totally on ur own.........................i couldnt do that financially or physically so i put in the extra effort in being "INDEPENDENT" emotionally and guess what----- i succeeded!!!!!!!!!! to the extent that for quite some time i WAS on my own............livin with parents yet totally away from them...........using up all spare resource i had to manage my feelings myself!!!!!!!!! but well as u know that was teenage and i was "bubbling with energy" gradually the pinch was felt, the desire to be held and comforted caught up...........and i looked arnd...............and found a missing dad, a mom overloaded with work, a brother lookin up to me and friends who depended on me for their needs................i dont blame anyone ........... circumstances and i understand but then came ****, he knowingly or unknowingly became the one who comforted me, who saw me cryin in the dark in the back balcony and came and hugged me, who told me that he will always be there...............i knew it was not possible but i believed coz it was blissful to believe...............and then the world came in........... everything crashed and i was left alone again to nurse my wounds myself............ uprooted from the place i found warmth in i was replanted in delhi................ awkwardness or ignorance either came in the way of me getting back together with my dad..............emotionally i had distanced myself from my family... the world which took soo much from me but could not, WAS not able to give back to me................. the distance grew......he didnt notice,i didnt care..................
Apurv once asked- "does being independent mean not taking support from ANYONE"..........i dont remember what i answered..............but if he asks again i kno what i'll say........... i desired once, believed once, loved once, depended once....................... was bruised, torn apart, devastated, bled, cried, managed everything alone and yet surived............... it still hurts.. it still aches............... it still longs.. it still desires but doesnt DARE believe, doesnt dare ask, dosent dare want.............
and how do i cover up...........by being the strong one............ helping any and evryone......... proving thus to myself and the world that
"I AM A BIG BIG GIRL.........in this big bad world"
people need me i dont need them............... i only wish and pray that i be able to keep up this facade as long as i live coz the day the mask breaks it will get ugly................ the day the curtains are lifted the audience will leave and the actors will be left without naything..... the play of life will be ruined............
"All the world's a stage and we are but Actors"-Shakespeare
the exception being when SOMEONE COMES TO SAVE THE SAVIOR............... till then its waiting, acting, playin the part...............
ADIOS...........amigos..........lets all wait and see who comes first..............
the DARK KNIGHT who will take me to the eternal unfeeling timeless death
or
the WHITE PRINCE on the shining horse ushering in the era of love,peace, trust and BELIEF...........

am i the savior or the one to be saved

hi.............

me back again with thoughts........problems confusions questions guess u must be used to it by now..............

my new dilemma as the title says "am i the savior or d one to be saved"

quite a lot of time i have asked my self this question and very confidently reached the conslusion that i am the savior. not the one to be saved, i carry the resposibility of the entire universe (my universe......my family and my friends) on my shoulders.........these are the shoulders of an armed forces officers daughter...........they are not weak they dont need support but they are always there to support others..............to lend teh helpin hand goin to whatever extend needed.........i hve always been like that...........act before i think.........jump in to save anytiem i see anyone in trouble...............its a great feeling............ANISHA the SAVIOR of all.........a frnd once jokingly said..........GOD cant individually handle everyone so he sent ANISHA to tackle a few.............we laughed and i enjoyed believeing that to be completely true...........

dont get me wrong............i love the part im playin.......mayb the only true part of me that i can say i enjoy and am proud of..........i do things to people.........i change lives without being aware of it..........i ahve sumthin in me that helps people and im grateful to god for that...........then wheres the problem...........is there one!!!!!!!!!

the problem is the second part of this coin.........after interval the pic begins from the savior needin support..........all my past life i lived in teh illusion that i dont need naybody..........being independent meant being totally on ur own.........................i couldnt do that financially or physically so i put in the extra effort in being "INDEPENDENT" emotionally and guess what i succeeded!!!!!!!!!! to the extent that fpr quite soem time i WAS on my own............livin with parents yet totally away from them...........using up all spare resource i had to manage my feelings myself!!!!!!!!!

today i look back and see that all taht was a mistake... today i want help but none i an turn to coz theres no one i trust anymore...... every choice ha sits consequences and i will have to live with the one that i have made!!!!!