Dreams and Desires.......

hey,

today i attempt that which i have never had the courage to speak of earlier.... why for the fear that it might actually come true of or that it might never come true.... u know Na that deep held belief in me that what ever that i desire and say out loud never happens guess that where the fear emanates from...... so what am i gonna talk about???? my ideal man......

before i begin the description i need to confess that this is the ideal and i am well aware that ideals don't exist.... i am open to all experiences and believe that i can live happily with a wide variety of people..... why i want to talk about it today??? well saw AR with her fiancee plus KP contacted me after a long time plus saw that Malayalam movie of mohan lal...... honestly i need a reason to cry today and what best reason that that eternal thorn in my heart...... LOVE <3 p="">
what do i think of when i think of my ideal man??? physical features....... preferably fair but brown or dark will also do, taller than me with the personality of an ARMY OFFICER..... why well i have lived my life in an army setup, the grind of an army officer the polish, the power, the masculinity the rawness, the care and the naughtiness all i need. i am a physical person, some one who is strong, independent and rebellious..... in short within me still lives that tomboy.... who wants to be conquered, subjugated in love..... someone who is able to tear open my wall of defence and lay bare my vulnerabilities and then pick me up like a baby and care for me love me and hold me tight......

i am the support system for many people so my man should be my support system, strong and tender arms to pull me down and stroke me tenderly........ someone who sees me for who i am and not who i pretend to be...... someone who has seen me cry unabashedly in front of them... who understands my dreams, my thoughts my concerns my desires and wants to be by my side when i fulfill them.... some one who supports me in reaching for the stars but keeps assuring me that even if i don't reach he will bring them down for me....... naughty yet loving, brash yet caring, good boy and bad boy, conqueror and gardener...... someone who is mine and only mine.....

this is the reason i love SRK's old movies.... love the character he plays, like Raj of DDLJ, like Aman of KHNH and Arjun of Pardes....... I'm reminded of that song of Ajay Devgan from the movie Major Sahab

Ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta....
Mere Khwabo mein jo ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
mere sapno mein joh ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
kissi ki yaad mein khud ko mita dun.....mmmm...
ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta.....

Reacting to Re framing.......

its weird when life brings you to a point where you can see the best for you, you want to reach out, you want to conquer but somehow you loose the will, the desire, the drive.....

i am reminded of the frog's story i heard in NIPCCD the first day, about the frog who keeps on struggling finally ends up making butter and jumping off...... and the other one who gives up and dies.... well i want to be the butter frog but i just don't have the motivation to do so...... i feel exhausted even after i sleep, i feel sad even after getting compliments, i feel like a failure even after accomplishing things........ i cry despite not having anything to cry for..... GOD whats happening with me......

i have a perfect life.... parents who love and support me to the core.... i don't have to wake up early, make breakfast, care for my lunch or about how will i reach college or how long i will take to come back.... dad is willing to spend as much as i need on accessories for school, support me with any kind of support that i need, wait for me for as long as is needed when i get late .................. yet i come back home, bury myself in fictitious bloody and gory TV serials.... sit alone in my room and cry............... WHY????

i have a perfect life..... i am doing the kind of course i always wanted to do, I'm doing it out of my own pocket not dependent on anyone, I'm good at what i am doing, people colleagues as well as professors admit to my mettle and accept that i am good, i am loved and admired by everyone i meet............................ yet i feel alone, distressed, disappointed and dejected, i feel like a failure overpowered by my weaknesses and inability to perform................ WHY???

i have friends who want me to meet them, who want me to talk to them spend time with them, i have a guy who seems to be crazy about me................... yet i feel unloved, isolated and abandoned............................. WHY?????

God I'm not asking you to take away the pain....... that would be selfish and unfair...... all i ask i an understanding of why i need to go through the pain...... a reason that's it..... it will make everything worth it....... the yearning, the fear, the abandonment all for a reason and that reason is what i want to know......

i want to know why nothing is ever enough for me..... why nothing is ever good enough for me.... why do i always need more........ can somebody who is soo loved and admired feel soo isolated and lost..... am i good or am i bad????? am i such a good actress that i can fool the best psychologists i have met......... am i an attention seeker, someone who victimises herself so that she can gain attention...... is this outburst only because PS mam is not having an individual session with me while she seems to be talking to everyone else........ am i sooo self centered and narcissistic???? or is it that she has read me and want me to suffer and come out of my narcissism.......

i guess the basic question remains........ WHO AM I??? WHY AM I???

all i request and pray for are answers not salvation........ MY SAVIOUR DOESN'T EXIST so i suffer in acceptance but for that acceptance i need understanding....... My faith wavers ....... i need your support...... i need your shoulders to lean on and cry, to rest my head and to finally sleep..... maybe an eternal peaceful sleep

REST IN PEACE ANISHA MATHEWS!!!!! REST IN PEACE!!!!

Stock Taking........ Of Life

hi......

its me again.... this time i decided to do some Stock Taking of my life.... Long over due.....ok now im throughly confused...... should i begin with whats going good in my life of whats going bad????

ok decided i will begin with the worst to end with the best........

Things not working out......
Career
Education
Family
Dreams
Social Support
Love

Things working Out.....
Will to Move on....
Ability to sand up without any support......
Ability to make new friends......
Smile despite Insecurities......

alright so what do we do now...... i guess its time to stop looking at others and start looking inside.... im different... i am unable to live life teh way i would want it to...... (if i am able to live it that way i will surely die very very young....) and i guess thats the reason he(GOD) doesnt allow me to live my life my way.....

i have to accept that i will never live as wildly or as carefree as i would want to..... I am 27 now....... i guess now im tooo old to even want to live but dil hai ki maanta nahi....... :P

but then there this other side to me.... who wants to do things that i may actually be able to do..... social work, helping people out, reading, listening to the troubles of the troubled, learning..... the old mature things of life...... (a better example of the constant struggle between the id and superego will never be available)

now the fact remains what do i want to do..... are the two lives sooo explicit..... can i try and intermingle them..... can i be happy with what i get to do at this particular time..... so what if im not living the wild life now, maybe now's not the time for wild partying...... maybe its time for some serious living.... and some other time will be there for wild partying......


this is the time to invest in self.... in the brain...... time to gratify the superego....... sumday i will be gratifying the id also its a promise to you my dear!!!!! i wont stifle you for long..... just waiting for when it will be MY time..... as our society demands as of now its the Patriarch's time ......

Thank you for helping me clear MY MIND!!!!! feeling way better..... i thnk im gonna try an be regular now!!!! :P

SOME HOW IM SMILING AGAIN!!!!! LOVE YOU LIFE.......

the Greatest Fear!!!!!

what is the greatest fear...... is it the fear of the death, of sickness of failure.....no its the fear of the unknown....
this fear of the unknown encompasses all other fears.......

today I'm engulfed with this fear... the fear of the unknown.... you look at my life from outside its a perfect life..... living alone in a flat with 2 roommates, comfortable and good paying job, loving and caring family, some nice friends....... what else does one need in life... yet there is no satisfaction, no peace no contentment.

all that is there is unrest, is fear, is despair....... unrest because life seems stale, nothing new, its set in a routine.... though i love routine.... i need variety.... i need control and i need chaos.... i need a psychiatrist...... :)

there resides in me the fear that i will leave this world without achieving anything significant.... i try.... i really try that everyday i must do something that touches at least one life.... alas easier said than done..... i guess what i crave for is recognition.... even if it is someone coming up to me and just saying u made my day/ week/ moth/ year/ life worthwhile...... that's it..... i guess.......

there is lots i want to say but i don't feel like writing today... because today I'm not writing for my self I'm writing for an audience and that never helps... its always brings fears of evaluation.... and i am never true to myself... always trying to please the unseen audience....

today AS came up and asked that why  is it that am unable to control impulses and behave like I'm a superhero.... and i said that's coz u haven't yet crossed the threshold from childhood to adulthood completely...... i wonder if i have...... am i not yet a teenager???? always fearful, always ingratiating always conscious????

God i want to do soo many things.... i want to be a part of IAHP, become a trainer, learn play therapy, set up my training institute, get my M Phil, fall in love, get married, have kids...... help out underprivileged kids where ever i can and make good money also......

from where i stand today no one of the above seems like it is going to come true...... that is what scares me...... that is my fear of unknown.... if i know that i will achieve all this I'm willing to wait but its the not knowing that is killing me..... stopping me from taking that first step..... from plunging into the ocean.....

but as PI's FB status said" it wasn't raining when God asked Noah to build the Ark..... that's called faith....... I guess what i need/ want is someone to stand up and say "do it, i know u can, so please go ahead and do it" someone who can guarantee that i wont fail or even if i fail i wont be criticized..........

i know i should start taking responsibility for my actions and not wait for signs from above but but but i just lack the conviction, the fear of the consequence is too much... like whats happening with SK, if she had not begun to ignore me life would actually have been worse but i am killing myself over the fact that she doesn't care anymore when that actually a good thing as it means less useless work and more time for actual work.....


OHH MY GOD HELP ME HERE........ SHOW MW THE PATH..... GIVE ME THE STRENGTH..... LEAD THE WAY..... AND GIVE ME THE ABILITY AND CONVICTION TO FOLLOW!!!!!

रोज़  रोज़ आँखों तले एक ही सपना जले 

again that sinking feeling is back.... why today... coz its opportunistic..... no poonam, all alone in teh room... the opportunity to cry......

पाता नहीं क्यूँ ..  लग रहा है, फिर वही अकेलापन ।वाही ..दर्द.dard ....लौट आया  है

im not even in a mood to write... i was supposed to accomplish so much today but nothing is done... tmw again its back to the same school, same work, same grind... i dreamt of a job which i would love, i love teh part where students come to me and feel that i can help them out, but its the other grind that i hate

the politics the endles belief that i am worthless, nothing that i do will ever please her, im loosing myself again.... my only respite is swimming,  takes out some sadness from me....

din khali khali barthan hai aur raat hai jaise andha dhuan....

i think its the lack of people to communicate.... i feel like im alone in a sea of people..... i feel my level of stimulation is way over that is normal.... i need people, i need activity, i need to be teh center of attraction only then will i be happy......

Lord, sometimes its difficult understanding that your plans for my life are different from mine. At time yes, I also give you a good fight and blackmail you to stick to mine. But Confusingly enough despite all I know you want the best for me - Hence I shall wait on thee :).
Yours truly.

im lost....  officially...... can u i know u will without me even askin but i am of little hope and belief......i get scared...... help m out...... u knwo my desires and wishes........ if im not entitled to them then just erase them.... if i am entitled to them tehn give me teh courge to wait!!!!!!

good night!!!!!!

Deary Day at Work!!!!

its a first time that i am writing from a public space... away from the safety of my room...... i guess the attempt is to write at least one blog without shedding some tears!!! now that ironic because the very reason i write in this blog is when i am feeling low and want to vent out that which cannot be told out aloud in the public.

what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......

anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........

this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be  religious  and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.

happiness seems to be around all those who are  religious  in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!

still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!

love you........

P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........

ये एक phase है........

वो देखने में कैसी सीढ़ी साधी लगती, है बोलती की वो तो कुछ नहीं समझती, अन्दर से कितनी तेज़ है....
कभी अजीब सी कभी हसीन लगती, कभी किसी किताब का है scene लगती, philosophy का craze है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

यह कहाँ मैं आ गया, बोलो कैसा ये तैयार है, दिल किस्सी का हो गया न इस्पे इख्तेयार है,
करूँ तो क्या करूँ, कहूँ तोह क्या कहूँ, ये गाना भी थ उसको पास लाने का महम है......

छुप छुप मेरे दिल क राज़ खोलती, हाँ तकिये में मेरे ख्वाब भी टटोलती, possessiveness का case है......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

जाने जा जाने मन तो हर गाने में आता है....परवाना romeo हर लड़का ही बन जाता है.....
लिखूं तो क्या लिखूं , बनू तो क्या बनू....... के फिल्मों में लड़का ही क्यूँ लड़की को फसाता है......

मैं चाहूँ भी तो मैं सभी वो कर जाता हूँ, वो आये सामने तो मैं सुधर जाता हूँ, लड़की एक full on chase है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........