the Greatest Fear!!!!!

what is the greatest fear...... is it the fear of the death, of sickness of failure.....no its the fear of the unknown....
this fear of the unknown encompasses all other fears.......

today I'm engulfed with this fear... the fear of the unknown.... you look at my life from outside its a perfect life..... living alone in a flat with 2 roommates, comfortable and good paying job, loving and caring family, some nice friends....... what else does one need in life... yet there is no satisfaction, no peace no contentment.

all that is there is unrest, is fear, is despair....... unrest because life seems stale, nothing new, its set in a routine.... though i love routine.... i need variety.... i need control and i need chaos.... i need a psychiatrist...... :)

there resides in me the fear that i will leave this world without achieving anything significant.... i try.... i really try that everyday i must do something that touches at least one life.... alas easier said than done..... i guess what i crave for is recognition.... even if it is someone coming up to me and just saying u made my day/ week/ moth/ year/ life worthwhile...... that's it..... i guess.......

there is lots i want to say but i don't feel like writing today... because today I'm not writing for my self I'm writing for an audience and that never helps... its always brings fears of evaluation.... and i am never true to myself... always trying to please the unseen audience....

today AS came up and asked that why  is it that am unable to control impulses and behave like I'm a superhero.... and i said that's coz u haven't yet crossed the threshold from childhood to adulthood completely...... i wonder if i have...... am i not yet a teenager???? always fearful, always ingratiating always conscious????

God i want to do soo many things.... i want to be a part of IAHP, become a trainer, learn play therapy, set up my training institute, get my M Phil, fall in love, get married, have kids...... help out underprivileged kids where ever i can and make good money also......

from where i stand today no one of the above seems like it is going to come true...... that is what scares me...... that is my fear of unknown.... if i know that i will achieve all this I'm willing to wait but its the not knowing that is killing me..... stopping me from taking that first step..... from plunging into the ocean.....

but as PI's FB status said" it wasn't raining when God asked Noah to build the Ark..... that's called faith....... I guess what i need/ want is someone to stand up and say "do it, i know u can, so please go ahead and do it" someone who can guarantee that i wont fail or even if i fail i wont be criticized..........

i know i should start taking responsibility for my actions and not wait for signs from above but but but i just lack the conviction, the fear of the consequence is too much... like whats happening with SK, if she had not begun to ignore me life would actually have been worse but i am killing myself over the fact that she doesn't care anymore when that actually a good thing as it means less useless work and more time for actual work.....


OHH MY GOD HELP ME HERE........ SHOW MW THE PATH..... GIVE ME THE STRENGTH..... LEAD THE WAY..... AND GIVE ME THE ABILITY AND CONVICTION TO FOLLOW!!!!!

रोज़  रोज़ आँखों तले एक ही सपना जले 

again that sinking feeling is back.... why today... coz its opportunistic..... no poonam, all alone in teh room... the opportunity to cry......

पाता नहीं क्यूँ ..  लग रहा है, फिर वही अकेलापन ।वाही ..दर्द.dard ....लौट आया  है

im not even in a mood to write... i was supposed to accomplish so much today but nothing is done... tmw again its back to the same school, same work, same grind... i dreamt of a job which i would love, i love teh part where students come to me and feel that i can help them out, but its the other grind that i hate

the politics the endles belief that i am worthless, nothing that i do will ever please her, im loosing myself again.... my only respite is swimming,  takes out some sadness from me....

din khali khali barthan hai aur raat hai jaise andha dhuan....

i think its the lack of people to communicate.... i feel like im alone in a sea of people..... i feel my level of stimulation is way over that is normal.... i need people, i need activity, i need to be teh center of attraction only then will i be happy......

Lord, sometimes its difficult understanding that your plans for my life are different from mine. At time yes, I also give you a good fight and blackmail you to stick to mine. But Confusingly enough despite all I know you want the best for me - Hence I shall wait on thee :).
Yours truly.

im lost....  officially...... can u i know u will without me even askin but i am of little hope and belief......i get scared...... help m out...... u knwo my desires and wishes........ if im not entitled to them then just erase them.... if i am entitled to them tehn give me teh courge to wait!!!!!!

good night!!!!!!

Deary Day at Work!!!!

its a first time that i am writing from a public space... away from the safety of my room...... i guess the attempt is to write at least one blog without shedding some tears!!! now that ironic because the very reason i write in this blog is when i am feeling low and want to vent out that which cannot be told out aloud in the public.

what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......

anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........

this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be  religious  and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.

happiness seems to be around all those who are  religious  in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!

still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!

love you........

P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........

ये एक phase है........

वो देखने में कैसी सीढ़ी साधी लगती, है बोलती की वो तो कुछ नहीं समझती, अन्दर से कितनी तेज़ है....
कभी अजीब सी कभी हसीन लगती, कभी किसी किताब का है scene लगती, philosophy का craze है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

यह कहाँ मैं आ गया, बोलो कैसा ये तैयार है, दिल किस्सी का हो गया न इस्पे इख्तेयार है,
करूँ तो क्या करूँ, कहूँ तोह क्या कहूँ, ये गाना भी थ उसको पास लाने का महम है......

छुप छुप मेरे दिल क राज़ खोलती, हाँ तकिये में मेरे ख्वाब भी टटोलती, possessiveness का case है......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

जाने जा जाने मन तो हर गाने में आता है....परवाना romeo हर लड़का ही बन जाता है.....
लिखूं तो क्या लिखूं , बनू तो क्या बनू....... के फिल्मों में लड़का ही क्यूँ लड़की को फसाता है......

मैं चाहूँ भी तो मैं सभी वो कर जाता हूँ, वो आये सामने तो मैं सुधर जाता हूँ, लड़की एक full on chase है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

Aahatein

छोटी छोटी बातें यूँही आते जाते, यादें सहलाके जाती हैं...

रातों को सिरहाने, बंसी मुस्काने, मुझको सुलाके जाती है,
मिलना नहीं है मुमकिन, इतना बताओ लेकिन, हम फिर मिलें क्यूँ हैं
तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

मैंने नहीं जाना, तुने नहीं जाने, जाने अनजाने जो हुआ.....
कुछ तो हुआ जो, मुझ को हुआ न, तुझको मगर क्यूँ हुआ....
गलती नहीं है तेरी, गलती नहीं है मेरी.....फिर भी गिले क्यूँ है.....

तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

Tears of the smile!!!!

hi.... im back

after such a long time..... every time i promise to be regular and never am able to....... so now i wont promise only :)

why today.... heard a news.... AJD got engaged.... did not call me.... actually she could not inform me despite me staying just a stones throw away from her..... called her screamed at her.... she apologized... i forgave yet threatened her and dared her to meet me alone... she promised to throw her fiancee in front of me as her safety net..... but that's not why i am writing today!!!!

im writing coz dat feeling which had been suppressed and repressed for so long is surfacing again.... d fear rears it head again... the facade is threatening to give away!!!! what am i talkin about!!!!! the fear that i will never love again as i loved once.... i will compromise and agree to an arranged marriage..... thou i accept to the world that i am ready for an arranged marriage and mayb i am also but the desire still lingers..... the heart still aches..... d hope still flutters!!!!

its generally ok.... i manage to convince my beating heart!!!! but on occasions like this when i see love all around and how friends are achieving happiness and love my heart begins to sigh..... it takes me back to those days when i had what they have now..... it makes me wonder will i ever have that.... how long will i have to wait if ever....... am i willing enof to trust that it will happen.....

will it be incidental like AE or will it be willing like AJD???? will it happen or will i have to MAKE it happen???? will it come naturally or will someone woo me, pamper me, cherish me..... questions abound... no one to answer, no one to even share...... i feel alone... more so because i know there's nothing i can do about it..... so it feels stupid to even share it.....

but i wish i could have someone to talk it out...... i miss AE so much these days..... i need a substitute...... wish i could go to NK again.... but she is expensive and has no time, cant blame her..... but that one session was cathartic, was freeing and was beautiful...... life was (maybe still is) comparatively easy since...... mayb im just connecting irrelevant dots but things seem to have become better....... im not as flustered as i used to be....... i am able to take things easy now.........

dunno how long it will last...... desperately wish i could just open up and cry in front of someone...... let out my fears without feeling that i will b judged...... but how can the Strong army officers daughter ever cry in front of someone....... my strength is my curse.....

i used to boast that i will be the last one to get married within my group.... all the time wishing that i am wrong.... but my worst fears are coming true..... everyone is getting married and falling in love!!!! i on the contrary, am still single and loveless

inherent is the belief that im still single coz im not lovable.... im not like others..... im not beautiful..... i don't know how to behave..... im too childish..... im too different...... im just not good!!!! my inferiority is fueled by my loneliness....... and my loneliness is compounded by my status.....

im not wanting to write anymore..... i fear indifference and helplessness has crept in.... i found out that their is a limit to how sorry u can feel for urself..... and i just crossed that limit..... instead of delving into despair.... i decide to just let go.... let the pain and fear and sadness engulf me... let me drown... let me sleep it off!!!!

my only escape..... my only rescue...... sleep..... unconscious...... regressing back to my prenatal fetal state..... curled up within my mom's womb where all i feel is peace and comfort, no pain, no lovelessness, no sadness, no despair....... just silence and me!!!!!!

Good night sweet heart!!!!

one of the good days

hi, I'm trying to get to be regular with my writing, so from now on maybe the posts are gonna get boring with only a description of my daily life and its activities...... but bear with me... its from the mundane events of life that deep learning are learnt :)

so whats the highlight of today?? a new crush developed (Taylor lautner), getting the feeling that someone I'm not so interested is interested in me.... someone is trying to reduce the distances (SB) I'm enjoying the attention..... and the eternal problem persists..... NM is being a pain in d ....... as usual.........

what happened today, she came in and switched off the lights to change...... all this while i was sitting and working on the laptop in the same room..... just coz she passes her time on laptop she thinks everybody does so..... its so hard to hate some1 and still live with the same person..... its like being married...........

please god let this not be a practice session for my married life.... i will kill myself.... :) its weird how we put up with a lot of shit from strangers while at home we are the most intolerant :) i guess the learning for today is that if some one is willing to be intolerant with u it means that they are warming up to u :) really...... i don't believe that.... but its a good concept if one is tryin to find positivity in a hopeless situation!!!!!

i was talkin abt her yesterday so now i have reached a decision actually i had reached the decision yesterday only but due to HER i could not finish my blog..... so what I'm gonna do to survive with her. 2 point plan of action

1) keep writing take out all my frustration here so that it doesn't burst out on her.....

2) don't give in to her bullying nor get pulled into her attempts to irritate me.....

I'm planning to find her limit of irritation.... without provoking or screaming at her can i assertively try and find out what is her breaking point.... at what point does she stop playing these games of innocuously provoking people and come out and become obvious of her attempts.....

the aim is not to torture her or myself the aim is to tip her over the scale and probably begin her healing or transformation process...... she needs to change and that will happen not until someone knowingly frustrates her...... i want her to break down and then rebuild herself.... unless she does that there is no hope for her......

and this plan can be successful only with ur help and guidance god... no one else can help me out here... give me the strength and the patience to deal with this PATIENT who also happens to be living with me.......