ये एक phase है........

वो देखने में कैसी सीढ़ी साधी लगती, है बोलती की वो तो कुछ नहीं समझती, अन्दर से कितनी तेज़ है....
कभी अजीब सी कभी हसीन लगती, कभी किसी किताब का है scene लगती, philosophy का craze है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

यह कहाँ मैं आ गया, बोलो कैसा ये तैयार है, दिल किस्सी का हो गया न इस्पे इख्तेयार है,
करूँ तो क्या करूँ, कहूँ तोह क्या कहूँ, ये गाना भी थ उसको पास लाने का महम है......

छुप छुप मेरे दिल क राज़ खोलती, हाँ तकिये में मेरे ख्वाब भी टटोलती, possessiveness का case है......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

जाने जा जाने मन तो हर गाने में आता है....परवाना romeo हर लड़का ही बन जाता है.....
लिखूं तो क्या लिखूं , बनू तो क्या बनू....... के फिल्मों में लड़का ही क्यूँ लड़की को फसाता है......

मैं चाहूँ भी तो मैं सभी वो कर जाता हूँ, वो आये सामने तो मैं सुधर जाता हूँ, लड़की एक full on chase है.......
हो.... कहती है ये एक phase है........

Aahatein

छोटी छोटी बातें यूँही आते जाते, यादें सहलाके जाती हैं...

रातों को सिरहाने, बंसी मुस्काने, मुझको सुलाके जाती है,
मिलना नहीं है मुमकिन, इतना बताओ लेकिन, हम फिर मिलें क्यूँ हैं
तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

मैंने नहीं जाना, तुने नहीं जाने, जाने अनजाने जो हुआ.....
कुछ तो हुआ जो, मुझ को हुआ न, तुझको मगर क्यूँ हुआ....
गलती नहीं है तेरी, गलती नहीं है मेरी.....फिर भी गिले क्यूँ है.....

तुझको बुला न पाऊं, तुझको भुला न पाऊं, यह सिलसिले क्यूँ हैं......
सबकुछ वही है पर कुछ कमी है......
तेरी आहटें नहीं है...... नहीं है......

Tears of the smile!!!!

hi.... im back

after such a long time..... every time i promise to be regular and never am able to....... so now i wont promise only :)

why today.... heard a news.... AJD got engaged.... did not call me.... actually she could not inform me despite me staying just a stones throw away from her..... called her screamed at her.... she apologized... i forgave yet threatened her and dared her to meet me alone... she promised to throw her fiancee in front of me as her safety net..... but that's not why i am writing today!!!!

im writing coz dat feeling which had been suppressed and repressed for so long is surfacing again.... d fear rears it head again... the facade is threatening to give away!!!! what am i talkin about!!!!! the fear that i will never love again as i loved once.... i will compromise and agree to an arranged marriage..... thou i accept to the world that i am ready for an arranged marriage and mayb i am also but the desire still lingers..... the heart still aches..... d hope still flutters!!!!

its generally ok.... i manage to convince my beating heart!!!! but on occasions like this when i see love all around and how friends are achieving happiness and love my heart begins to sigh..... it takes me back to those days when i had what they have now..... it makes me wonder will i ever have that.... how long will i have to wait if ever....... am i willing enof to trust that it will happen.....

will it be incidental like AE or will it be willing like AJD???? will it happen or will i have to MAKE it happen???? will it come naturally or will someone woo me, pamper me, cherish me..... questions abound... no one to answer, no one to even share...... i feel alone... more so because i know there's nothing i can do about it..... so it feels stupid to even share it.....

but i wish i could have someone to talk it out...... i miss AE so much these days..... i need a substitute...... wish i could go to NK again.... but she is expensive and has no time, cant blame her..... but that one session was cathartic, was freeing and was beautiful...... life was (maybe still is) comparatively easy since...... mayb im just connecting irrelevant dots but things seem to have become better....... im not as flustered as i used to be....... i am able to take things easy now.........

dunno how long it will last...... desperately wish i could just open up and cry in front of someone...... let out my fears without feeling that i will b judged...... but how can the Strong army officers daughter ever cry in front of someone....... my strength is my curse.....

i used to boast that i will be the last one to get married within my group.... all the time wishing that i am wrong.... but my worst fears are coming true..... everyone is getting married and falling in love!!!! i on the contrary, am still single and loveless

inherent is the belief that im still single coz im not lovable.... im not like others..... im not beautiful..... i don't know how to behave..... im too childish..... im too different...... im just not good!!!! my inferiority is fueled by my loneliness....... and my loneliness is compounded by my status.....

im not wanting to write anymore..... i fear indifference and helplessness has crept in.... i found out that their is a limit to how sorry u can feel for urself..... and i just crossed that limit..... instead of delving into despair.... i decide to just let go.... let the pain and fear and sadness engulf me... let me drown... let me sleep it off!!!!

my only escape..... my only rescue...... sleep..... unconscious...... regressing back to my prenatal fetal state..... curled up within my mom's womb where all i feel is peace and comfort, no pain, no lovelessness, no sadness, no despair....... just silence and me!!!!!!

Good night sweet heart!!!!