one of the good days

hi, I'm trying to get to be regular with my writing, so from now on maybe the posts are gonna get boring with only a description of my daily life and its activities...... but bear with me... its from the mundane events of life that deep learning are learnt :)

so whats the highlight of today?? a new crush developed (Taylor lautner), getting the feeling that someone I'm not so interested is interested in me.... someone is trying to reduce the distances (SB) I'm enjoying the attention..... and the eternal problem persists..... NM is being a pain in d ....... as usual.........

what happened today, she came in and switched off the lights to change...... all this while i was sitting and working on the laptop in the same room..... just coz she passes her time on laptop she thinks everybody does so..... its so hard to hate some1 and still live with the same person..... its like being married...........

please god let this not be a practice session for my married life.... i will kill myself.... :) its weird how we put up with a lot of shit from strangers while at home we are the most intolerant :) i guess the learning for today is that if some one is willing to be intolerant with u it means that they are warming up to u :) really...... i don't believe that.... but its a good concept if one is tryin to find positivity in a hopeless situation!!!!!

i was talkin abt her yesterday so now i have reached a decision actually i had reached the decision yesterday only but due to HER i could not finish my blog..... so what I'm gonna do to survive with her. 2 point plan of action

1) keep writing take out all my frustration here so that it doesn't burst out on her.....

2) don't give in to her bullying nor get pulled into her attempts to irritate me.....

I'm planning to find her limit of irritation.... without provoking or screaming at her can i assertively try and find out what is her breaking point.... at what point does she stop playing these games of innocuously provoking people and come out and become obvious of her attempts.....

the aim is not to torture her or myself the aim is to tip her over the scale and probably begin her healing or transformation process...... she needs to change and that will happen not until someone knowingly frustrates her...... i want her to break down and then rebuild herself.... unless she does that there is no hope for her......

and this plan can be successful only with ur help and guidance god... no one else can help me out here... give me the strength and the patience to deal with this PATIENT who also happens to be living with me.......

16th November..... the day of realisations!!!!

today is the day of realisations..... the day i begin to see the divine plan..... the disguised blessings..... the day i realised that whatever i hve taken as unfair and disappointing was all for a reason....

not ever meeting AA was a blessing in disguise, maybe its so good because its soo unreal.... mayb it will be ruined teh day it becomes real.... i got a comfortable job,,, am living near yet away from my family, im earning nof to save and to enjoy..... living with sum1 who will be instrumental in teaching me assertiveness... working with the group of ppl who will again teach me to be stern as well as gentle.... patience is a virtue i am developin.....

constantly being able to look at myself from someone else's eyes gives me teh oppertunity to see how good i am... to believe in my abilities...... an opportunity to be pampered and yet play out my eccentricities..... to be what i have never been able to be coz i was always under teh shadow of a large and protective bird.....

this si teh chance i hve to fly, somersalt and dive yet come back to the nesta nd snuggle under teh protective wings of the father...... an opportunity for me to bring discipline and order in my life..... to review my passions and my desires..... to be myself.....

this si the day i say thanks to GOD for putting up with me, for trusting in me and for not giving up on me...... for not giving in to me..... for making me strong and weak... for giving me teh wisdom to finally figure out his divine plan......

thsi does not mean i hve changed..... i still long and desire and crave for teh same things.... i stillll hurt and feel for the same things.....

what is it with some people..... why cnt they just handle that maybe someone is genuine.... its funny and hilarious..... the incident today.... an issue erupted again..... NM at teh core i kno she fueled the issue but when someone tries to salvage the issue she gets irritated..... today i am teh brunt of her irritation.... i am goin to play a game.... not be sucked into her game..... she can induce as much irritation as she want in me i will not give..... let me see when i her breaking point..... to what extent will she go to get me to have an argument with her..... she just could not digest the fact that U praised me and said i love her nd care for her..... she had to discount the importance... she had to interfere she had to say taht its not genuine...... and i think what infuriated her more was my refusal to comment on it..... i let it slip and she could not bear that.... guess this stupid face taht she made and teh rude way she is talkin to me is an after effect of her irritation....

it seems that there is a new accomplice that she has found.... a support..... i try hard to understand her..... will write more later!!!!!

comedy within tragedy!!!!

its funny when what u want the most is what u are scared of the most....

this blog today is not abt my rants on how life is unfair to me today its a question that i keep debating within myself....

it is about the existence of GOD...... im always confused abt does god exist or not......

more importantly does my god exist or not...... he (my gender bias) always makes me believe that he does exist... how well anything i wish for, pray for and weep for i never get... there has to b sumone up there preventing it otherwise how can it happen every time....... so i know he is up there... what i dont know is if he is on my side or not..... i know he loves me... he is supposed to right, that's what gods do they love human beings...... but he also needs to show that to me.... am i blind that i cannot see his blessings or is he just waiting for the right time to dazzle me???

i dunno..... I'm afraid to wish for things now.... why coz I'm sure he will use it against me..... its not even a rebellious streak in me that says that whats happening is unfair... that i should not be treated this way.... that's what scares me... i am just accepting..... accepting that things are gonna go wrong.... and i am making them go wrong

is it self fulfilling prophesy...... whats happening, its as if i don't wanna accept it for myself that things are changing that i am beginning to feel something..... something that has long been buried, something that has long been just yearned and prayed and wished for...... I'm standing on the razor sharp realisation that i "feel" and the fear that if i feel i will lose it...... gosh i cried i cried for it now its lost forever

i have somehow cum to believe that anything that i desire and brings happiness to me is destined to be taken away from me..... i cannot even make myself write that i love, coz the fear of loosing is soo acute...... its almost like a physical pain in my heart....... i know this is different from the others coz i have never actively pushed anyone way just because I'm scared of loosing them..... every time i have pushed a guy away its coz i don't see the future working out in our favor..... but here..... this time.... i don't even want to imagine a future..... why because i fear that just imagining d future will make GOD realise that i desire it and it will be taken away.......

it sounds funny to u,,,, u think that i think that u cannot hold me forever, honestly that's not it..... what i fear is that u may not love me back coz u never said so..... if i see u i will not be able to tell myself that u are not real, that i cannot fall in love with a dream..... i know d moment i see u, u become real and the moment u become real i fall in love with u, the moment that happens GOD will do something to ruin it and....... leave me heart broken again...... now i can pull my heart back by imagining the distance the impossibility of a face to face meeting, the futility of the desire but not once i have met u...... not once i have touched u...... den u become ingrained in me and that loss will be heart wrenching

once i lost a piece of my heart...... my childish immature pure and blissful love, lost it just like that..... no fault of mine...... no fault of his..... destiny..... never had anyone to blame (maybe if i had i wouldn't be such a wreck..... i wouldn't b so scared)....... never completely recovered from it.... still haven't...... the hurt lingers on...... any further possible love i compared with the intensity of the first one..... none matched.... none encouraged...... miserable for 8 years of my life...... burning in hell.... healing others but hurting inside....... wiping their tears and shedding my own.....

then i found u... with u it was different... everything was different.... we began differently..... non conventionally...... i don't even remember how we began talking...... it seems like we always did.... and den i send u ur gift after what 3 months of chatting???? never ever have i done that neither before nor after...... that was just that once....... 4 years never meeting face to face.... just chatting and talking..... many times i felt something weired but i brushed it aside saying its anyway never gonna work..... we r never gonna meet..... it was nice, it was different, it was mature...... u kept falling in and out of luv....... i kept falling in and out of u...... but still d distance made me feel safe..... it let me dream on and enjoy coz i knew this wasn't going to be ruined co this wasn't perfect.....

GOD could not keep us apart and yet ruin it cos he only ruins that which is perfect for me....... den she came in...... instilled the desire to meet, said out aloud what i was refusing to even consider deep inside my heart...... and i like a stupid jumped on it...... dreamt on it... tried to make it real.... involved u in this fiasco..... got ur hopes high and made u dream too...... and today when d reality is actually about to hit me I'm scared.... scared at what i have got into..... I'm beginning to make this imperfect relation into perfection..... I'm giving him a chance to ruin it..... actually I'm making him ruin it...... I HAVE RUINED IT........ there is no way i am ever gonna be able to cum to meet u..... I'm too scared to ask.....

GOD knows how much i want to be with u, hold u, touch u, talk to u but it will happen only in my fantasy....... i will never be allowed such bliss in reality, neither by society nor by divinity........ even if we meet what if ......... what if its only me who is in luv, u have never ever said anything, and i don't blame u for that....... u have been honest...... u have teased but never actually said...... what if I'm reading too much into something that's not there......... that would b the easiest way to ruin things........ again cannot blame anyone.....

I'm taking a huge risk...... I'm trusting someone who i don't even for sure believe exists....... i know if it fails all that I'm gonna do is trust that it was not for me and something better is in store but i have to take a chance....... many would say I'm making a huge mistake...... but many don't understand my fear.......... many don't understand my logic..... many don't know that all i want is for him to come here and tell me how much he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me..... but this time i throw the ball into ur court...... if this is meant to be u make it work...... never ever have u talked to me or given me anything i want so this time i leave it on u....... i want it and u know it but this time i wont beg...... i wont cry...... i wont plead..... i will look u in the eye and say do what u want to do...... i will live with regret that i did not do anything....... but i cannot live with the regret that u made me feel love again and then took it away..... so if he is mine i meet him, if i don't he is not..... the ball is in your court......

CANT LET U BREAK MY TRUST AGAIN...........

theory of displacement!!!

Today I experienced d theory of displacement. All u had to do ws cum up take d key frm me or ask me to get d book down and collect it frm me, but no instead u go to d boss and complain... Lil baby... And he has to do sumthin... Its his bubbles who has complained... So instead of hearin anythin he screams @ d one who seems to be powerless and who will surely not reply back... So what do I do I jst listen... U anyway didn't want to hear my side so what's d point... U lost any tiny amt of respect dat I had for u.... To reinforce ur narcissim u keep favs and dat bugs me...

Ur makin it easy for me to leave trust me... U won't miss me I kno... Only when I threaten to leave will u begin to be my best frnd... Ur shallow... Always knew dat
Jst didn't kno dat sum ppl will change soo much... So soon

Its ok I jst hav to be professional... Don't talk, jst wrk and don't let any1 complain abt dat, no more favors, no more adjustments... Me first... Wrk later

Id Ego Super ego

Id cannot fullifill all its needs instantly so it resolves the tension by primary processes like forming mental images of the desired obejct... Mayb this is why I never feel d intense urge for sexual gratification as many I kno do. My superego cause my id to sublimate dis unacceptable wish into a more socially acceptable need for companionship and my I'd resolves d conflict by forming mental images of companionship aka dreams of love!!!! Eureka!!!

duniya mein kitna gam hai....

Duniya mein kitna gam hai,aapna gam kitna kam hai...
Saari duniya ke paas gam baatne ke liye anisha hai, pata nahi anisha ka gam baantne wala koi kab milega...
Accha lagta hai when ppl think u are approachable and that u can share their pain, disappointments and embarassments, when dey trust u and feel that feelings to difficult for them to handle and too personal to share are safe with u....
But what do u do with those feelings, where do u dispose dem safely, how many graves do u dig in this lil space called heart :)
And what do u do if someone else's disappointments make u feel even worseAn like d guy u have a crush on (dis is since u have not had a BF for 7 yrs)discusses his disappointments in his very much active luv life... When blissfully ignorant to ur pain he shares his crushes wid u,how lil does he kno the daggers that pierce ur heart when he is checkin out other females and u stand by and support ur "very good" friend....

Where do I spill out my heart except to u... :)
Thanks for being around... Thanks for jst listenin.... Even tho I kno that nothin is ever gonna happen but " dil toh baccha hai ji, thoda kaccha hai ji"

ME and ACCEPTANCE

i always kept wondering what is it that makes fantasy and magic and science fiction so endearing to me ..... why is it that X men and harry potter hold such charm..... what makes me want to go back to them again and again and again......... i think i know.......

its the struggle to be accepted within a community where u are not accepted....... the need to be someone else for someone else......... i always identified with raven, her desire to fit in...... her attempts to be normal....... I'm not extraordinary but the sense of being unaccepted as who i am looms in me too...... what i crave for is my own Eric...... someone who prefers me for who i am and not what i can be for them.....

and ironically I'm convinced i"ll never find one...... all i want to say is "I am Anisha and I am proud to be myself". we psychologist always talk abt unconditional regard....... how much i crave for that....... i know how happy i can be if i learn to be selfish and think about myself....... I'm scared of loosing myself either way......... one one side i loose myself and become slave of someone else's version of me..... on the other side i loose myself and become the worst of what i can be...... either way the loss is mine...... the feeling of disintegration is setting in again...... i had resigned to my misery....... i had come to accept it...... i was living with it..... why ........ why did u have to show me my happier side........ why did u have to bring hope and love back..... why did u have to take it away .........

is loosing myself the only way i will ever survive..... is there no middle path.... is there no Charles Xavier to guide me....... a patient's disorder is a manifestation of a dysfunctional family........ why don't families understand that....... families are supposed to protect u, understand u, take care of u.....not mess u up........ rationally they are humans too, they too make mistakes, they are also learning....... emotionally fuck you man cant u see how u are ruining our lives.......

when u give birth to us u promise to take care of us, to make sure no sadness ever touches us, so at what point does it start becoming about u and not us...... i have started blaming, i must not...... but i cant.... i feel so helpless, i know what the problem is but cant do absolutely anything about it....... why.......

I'm rambling on....... no connection from the beginning to the end just thoughts feelings and tears....... I'm all right i cried...... like Morris says in Tuesdays with Morris...... "i have allowed myself a few tears everyday, my quota of self pity, after that i just get up and go about my business" that's whats gonna happen tmw...... i pick up my baggage and start from where i left off on sat and no one is wiser.... :)

i will reveal a secret today..... u know why i come here every time I'm full of emotions and write..... for two reasons..... a major one is venting out, i know no one is reading my blogs and can safely write whatever i want to...... a secret reason is my wishful desire of someone actually reading it, understanding me and falling in love with me....... and me having my happily ever after..... i guess that's just it a wishful thinking..... good nite blog..... gotta sleep now..... I'm trying to get back into exercising tmw...... wish me luck..... maybe that's gonna bring good luck for me..... love u!!!!!

Make up ur mind!!!!!

hello, im back.... Again with the promise to be regular... lets see how much can i keep up this time..... i think i should just give up trying to convince myself that i'll ever be able to write regularly.......

so whats it this time..... what else.... my pathetic story of life...... this time though the questions are a bit more generic still focused on my life but addressing a larger cosmos.

what is with the world, destiny, lord, god, luck.... whatever one calls it....... what is with that supreme power which by a flick of his/her finger makes the world turn...... for convenience sake I'll assume that the supreme power is a male...... actually i do honestly feel that it has to be a male, there is no other explanation to why a perfectly normal looking and easily stabilised life would suddenly be filled with throngs of sadness and tears........ why is it that just when life seems to have settled down for the best some random occurrence turns it Topsy turfy........ and its not just the life that is turned upside down..... its the person as well......

it has to be a Man who for his pleasure plays with the life of others....... no prejudices intended but why cant god just let things be as they are..... some people are happy, some people are sad and some make peace with the fact that they will never be happy.......... content with underachieving and hiding in the shadows they are living a peacefully bliss full existence when suddenly one Day he decides they need a passion......... something to die for and something to give their everything into........they slog like anything..... believing that life will be better because there is no passion without support...... he would not have introduced this intensity was it not meant to be fulfilled....... he would not have shown the way had it not been leadin to the destination....... so believing the fools that we are, we follow, we endure, we suffer while he enjoys, puts forth temptations, makes us walk through thorns and puts salts on out wounds.......... we hang on till the last curve believing that suffering pays....... that if you carry your own cross you will achieve salvation.........

little do we know that salvation is only to be longed for never achieved, that beyond the curve hides the cliff not the destination........ he leaves us hanging...... believing that we did learn something, burning passion not yet quenched, wanting and desiring to do more....... planning and preparing to climb the next hill........

but then he brings in trials and tribulations....... i know he is trying to make us strong...... if only it were so easy...... to know that we need to rise from the throngs of depression is one thing, to achieve it is another..........to stand up and smile, when u know u are broken inside, when the impulse is to scream and tear oneself into pieces but reality demands other vise that is when i wish we had the courage to get up and fight........

i know i will cry for some time, vent my feelings here and then go back to sleep, my perfect way to deal with crisis but is it the right way........ am i even dealing or just letting my feelings sink deep into the unconscious......... where it cannot consciously hurt me......

do i always aspire for that which cannot be mine?am i always overambitious without reason..... or am i a fool desiring a moon as her own playmate? am i destined for greatness with all or most of my dreams fulfilled or is mediocrity my way of life....... surviving not living......

why cant you make up ur mind lord........ im not running anywhere........ i here waiting for u to reach a decision for u to sort out ur issues, so that i can sort out my life........

so that i can be content with whatever u have decided........ i have had many variations and no stability in life........ at least now provide me with stability... decide what u want to do with me...... don't let me hang in here........ support if u agree oppose if u disagree........ whatever u decide make the decision so clear that there is no doubt......... no doubt that i am what i am supposed to be......

i am tired of being tested....... if u want to test me give me the strength to overcome it......... don't test me to fail me.......... that is something i cannot handle anymore........... im tired of tossing and turning i just want to stay........... i just want you to MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!!