ME and ACCEPTANCE

i always kept wondering what is it that makes fantasy and magic and science fiction so endearing to me ..... why is it that X men and harry potter hold such charm..... what makes me want to go back to them again and again and again......... i think i know.......

its the struggle to be accepted within a community where u are not accepted....... the need to be someone else for someone else......... i always identified with raven, her desire to fit in...... her attempts to be normal....... I'm not extraordinary but the sense of being unaccepted as who i am looms in me too...... what i crave for is my own Eric...... someone who prefers me for who i am and not what i can be for them.....

and ironically I'm convinced i"ll never find one...... all i want to say is "I am Anisha and I am proud to be myself". we psychologist always talk abt unconditional regard....... how much i crave for that....... i know how happy i can be if i learn to be selfish and think about myself....... I'm scared of loosing myself either way......... one one side i loose myself and become slave of someone else's version of me..... on the other side i loose myself and become the worst of what i can be...... either way the loss is mine...... the feeling of disintegration is setting in again...... i had resigned to my misery....... i had come to accept it...... i was living with it..... why ........ why did u have to show me my happier side........ why did u have to bring hope and love back..... why did u have to take it away .........

is loosing myself the only way i will ever survive..... is there no middle path.... is there no Charles Xavier to guide me....... a patient's disorder is a manifestation of a dysfunctional family........ why don't families understand that....... families are supposed to protect u, understand u, take care of u.....not mess u up........ rationally they are humans too, they too make mistakes, they are also learning....... emotionally fuck you man cant u see how u are ruining our lives.......

when u give birth to us u promise to take care of us, to make sure no sadness ever touches us, so at what point does it start becoming about u and not us...... i have started blaming, i must not...... but i cant.... i feel so helpless, i know what the problem is but cant do absolutely anything about it....... why.......

I'm rambling on....... no connection from the beginning to the end just thoughts feelings and tears....... I'm all right i cried...... like Morris says in Tuesdays with Morris...... "i have allowed myself a few tears everyday, my quota of self pity, after that i just get up and go about my business" that's whats gonna happen tmw...... i pick up my baggage and start from where i left off on sat and no one is wiser.... :)

i will reveal a secret today..... u know why i come here every time I'm full of emotions and write..... for two reasons..... a major one is venting out, i know no one is reading my blogs and can safely write whatever i want to...... a secret reason is my wishful desire of someone actually reading it, understanding me and falling in love with me....... and me having my happily ever after..... i guess that's just it a wishful thinking..... good nite blog..... gotta sleep now..... I'm trying to get back into exercising tmw...... wish me luck..... maybe that's gonna bring good luck for me..... love u!!!!!