dil ke armaa aansuon mein beh gaye.....

hey i am back again.....

with another life crisis.... with another disappointment... with another phase of self depreciation... so yeah bear with me!!!

do u believe that people can be SO broken that they can never be mended?? do u believe that sometimes people are meant to be alone..... are all the movies and romantic books all cartoon all just propagating a lie.... do you believe that there are people who never get there "happily ever after".....

what the hell am i talking of course there are.... what about the girls who are trafficked, what about the children abandoned what about the poverty stricken millions in the world, the war zone people the immigrant abused worker.... of course millions of people never get their happily ever after....

so whats the big deal if i don't get it either..... so what if i am too damaged for people to love me.... so what if i have to compromise and never be bale to live the life i want to live..... anisha Mathews love happens to lucky people...... it never happens to those desperately waiting for it..... and anyways love is not something out there, its something one has to create.... 

NB came into your life to teach u this, you can love a person who you have not know for years, you can also live with a person you don't love..... its about time.... grow up, leave behind the fantasies of eternal love, happily ever after and prince charming...... things don't work out that way.... and don't u ever start talking about destiny and karma..... i think it is established that both are not in ur favor and they are bitches..... 

believe that good things happen to good people but also believe that if bad things are happening to you u must be a bad person..... you need no one besides you..... you can fight the world alone you too know it...... so what does it matter if you are living by yourself, in your father's house or with some random guy your parents choose..... 

don't feel sad for yourself anisha...... many people have it worse than you..... be grateful..... that you have a family, you have your friends, that you are safe, that your are well fed, you have a shelter, and that you are not being exploited.....

Begin to accept that you have to give out love..... you are not destined to receive that love back from one person.... the only purpose of your life is to help others feel better..... irrespective of whether you are giving love or receiving love.... you know even when u are receiving love it has to be from many people so that they can feel the power of giving and make it a part of their life....

you are like the mango tree..... giving around..... comforting.... providing support, fun and shade.... but always standing alone.... so stand tall and wipe off those tears..... you have work to do.... there are kids out who need you, so make them your life.... they are way better than adults anyways...... they are not scared to trust and with them Anisha you are not scared to share.......

ALL THE BEST BABY!!! the journey of live is long and lonely..... enjoy every companion you meet no matter for how long.... and always remember WE WALK ALONE!!!

aaj fir jeene ki tammana hai, aaj fir maarne ka iraada hai!!!!

आज किसी और के नहीं, यह पैगाम खुद मेरे लिए है… कोई मिला है, घबरा मत, हाट बड़ा, ज़यादा से ज़यादा क्या होगा, दिल ही तो टूटेगा ना... उसकी तो अब आदत हो गयी है, तो फिर यह डर  क्यूँ? एक बार बाज़ी खेल के देखते हैं, पार तो पार नहीं तो वापस  इसी ओर।

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा …। 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … सदा तुमने ऐब  देखा हुनर तो न देखा 

वो तो है अलबेला, हज़ारों में अकेला … 

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Fursat mili na tumhe aapne jahan se, uske bhi dil ki kabhi samajhte kahan se…..

Jaana hai jise pathar, hera hai voh toh heera, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Bansi ko lakdi sada samjha kiye tum, par uske nagmon ki dhun kahan su sake tum…..

Diye ki baati dekhi, dekhi na uski jyoti, Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela………

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Sada tumne aib dekha hunar toh na dekha!!!

Voh toh hai albela, hazaro mein akela…. Voh toh hai albela……

The Day I wished I could Stop Dreaming

OH what a life.... when u want to be well but all you manage to do is push your illness a little further away.... its inevitable.... eventually i succumb.... to the comparisons i create within myself... to the constant scrutiny of the misfortune around me.... to the eternal jealousy within me.... to the repressed anger against the world and against this unfair universe..... where all that i give i never receive....

everyone says (OK at least some people say) that i am good, caring, loving, helpful, sensitive, approachable, available, selfless...... i think i am at least a very people's person.... but then i wonder... it can't be true.... because people also say good things happen to good people.... so where are my good things.... if what you give comes back to you, then where is the love, support and care that i have been giving (without expecting anything back) all these years.... if life is fair... why am i still without love when all i have consciously given is love.....

this is directly between u (the universe) and me..... OK i am not the best of the people around... i have my complexes and my inferiority..... but even you have to admit that i have given everyone a fair chance.... maybe more than a fair chance.... it might be my non assertiveness and my inability to say no but when i listen to some one's side of the story, i genuinely listen.... when i love i love without any malice.... when i help i help without any expectation..... when i am there i am completely and truly there......

so if u admit to that then comes my next part..... when i have given so much where is the return gift??? why am i without love when everyone else seems to have a shoulder to lean on?? why am i alone when everyone has found their "special" one??? why am i unhappy when those who hurt me are happy??? why am i full of self doubt when people hundred time worse are confident like a bull??

Don't get me wrong i have nothing against any of them... if anything i always pray they get what they deserve and be content with life... i m only worried about myself.... u may have heard this a million times "why me??" i m asking "why not me?".... Am i not yet ready?? or do i have no scope?? either way the waiting is killing me.... the self induced torture is excruciating.... i cant live anymore like this.... pretending things don't effect me... pretending I'm immune..... pretending i don't care and most importantly pretending I'm happy the way things are..... because trust me... i AM NOT.....

OK lets just review what my dreams are.... what is it that i am asking for.... maybe i am asking for too much.... OK in no particular order of priority what are the things i want.... M Phil, my own training center and clinic.... decent enough and steady bank account.... a guy who understands me and loves me for who i am and not who i have to be.... a husband who is supportive, caring, motivating and crazy like and about me..... two kids, a 3 BHK house and an opportunity to give back to the society.... in an ideal world i would love to be famous for helping people and have loads of people in whose life i have made a difference and they know it and are grateful about it... that's all i need gratitude and satisfaction....

i pray everyone around me finds contentment when i crave for it the most.....

so my desires are finally out in the open.... now i have done my part.... so universe conspire and tell me are they too much to ask.... I'm not challenging I'm questioning, because if they are then u have to wipe them clean from my psyche, my heart and my soul.... i wont mind not having something as long as i don't long for it.... i don't wanna be a millionaire (though it wouldn't hurt if i get to be one) because i don't long for it.....

so today i hand over a huge responsibility to u..... wipe clean from my deepest soul all those desires that i don't deserve and wont ever achieve and what ever is left ensure that i achieve it.... give me the strength to have faith till i achieve them.... but do wipe clean that which I'm not destined for.....

Let Toady Be The Day Anisha Stops Dreaming.......

सपना टूटा है तो दिल कभी जलता है , हाँ थोडा दर्द  होगा पर चलता है।