Dreams and Desires.......

hey,

today i attempt that which i have never had the courage to speak of earlier.... why for the fear that it might actually come true of or that it might never come true.... u know Na that deep held belief in me that what ever that i desire and say out loud never happens guess that where the fear emanates from...... so what am i gonna talk about???? my ideal man......

before i begin the description i need to confess that this is the ideal and i am well aware that ideals don't exist.... i am open to all experiences and believe that i can live happily with a wide variety of people..... why i want to talk about it today??? well saw AR with her fiancee plus KP contacted me after a long time plus saw that Malayalam movie of mohan lal...... honestly i need a reason to cry today and what best reason that that eternal thorn in my heart...... LOVE <3 p="">
what do i think of when i think of my ideal man??? physical features....... preferably fair but brown or dark will also do, taller than me with the personality of an ARMY OFFICER..... why well i have lived my life in an army setup, the grind of an army officer the polish, the power, the masculinity the rawness, the care and the naughtiness all i need. i am a physical person, some one who is strong, independent and rebellious..... in short within me still lives that tomboy.... who wants to be conquered, subjugated in love..... someone who is able to tear open my wall of defence and lay bare my vulnerabilities and then pick me up like a baby and care for me love me and hold me tight......

i am the support system for many people so my man should be my support system, strong and tender arms to pull me down and stroke me tenderly........ someone who sees me for who i am and not who i pretend to be...... someone who has seen me cry unabashedly in front of them... who understands my dreams, my thoughts my concerns my desires and wants to be by my side when i fulfill them.... some one who supports me in reaching for the stars but keeps assuring me that even if i don't reach he will bring them down for me....... naughty yet loving, brash yet caring, good boy and bad boy, conqueror and gardener...... someone who is mine and only mine.....

this is the reason i love SRK's old movies.... love the character he plays, like Raj of DDLJ, like Aman of KHNH and Arjun of Pardes....... I'm reminded of that song of Ajay Devgan from the movie Major Sahab

Ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta....
Mere Khwabo mein jo ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
mere sapno mein joh ladka hai sach much ho nahi sakta,
kissi ki yaad mein khud ko mita dun.....mmmm...
ho nahi sakta... ho nahi sakta.....

Reacting to Re framing.......

its weird when life brings you to a point where you can see the best for you, you want to reach out, you want to conquer but somehow you loose the will, the desire, the drive.....

i am reminded of the frog's story i heard in NIPCCD the first day, about the frog who keeps on struggling finally ends up making butter and jumping off...... and the other one who gives up and dies.... well i want to be the butter frog but i just don't have the motivation to do so...... i feel exhausted even after i sleep, i feel sad even after getting compliments, i feel like a failure even after accomplishing things........ i cry despite not having anything to cry for..... GOD whats happening with me......

i have a perfect life.... parents who love and support me to the core.... i don't have to wake up early, make breakfast, care for my lunch or about how will i reach college or how long i will take to come back.... dad is willing to spend as much as i need on accessories for school, support me with any kind of support that i need, wait for me for as long as is needed when i get late .................. yet i come back home, bury myself in fictitious bloody and gory TV serials.... sit alone in my room and cry............... WHY????

i have a perfect life..... i am doing the kind of course i always wanted to do, I'm doing it out of my own pocket not dependent on anyone, I'm good at what i am doing, people colleagues as well as professors admit to my mettle and accept that i am good, i am loved and admired by everyone i meet............................ yet i feel alone, distressed, disappointed and dejected, i feel like a failure overpowered by my weaknesses and inability to perform................ WHY???

i have friends who want me to meet them, who want me to talk to them spend time with them, i have a guy who seems to be crazy about me................... yet i feel unloved, isolated and abandoned............................. WHY?????

God I'm not asking you to take away the pain....... that would be selfish and unfair...... all i ask i an understanding of why i need to go through the pain...... a reason that's it..... it will make everything worth it....... the yearning, the fear, the abandonment all for a reason and that reason is what i want to know......

i want to know why nothing is ever enough for me..... why nothing is ever good enough for me.... why do i always need more........ can somebody who is soo loved and admired feel soo isolated and lost..... am i good or am i bad????? am i such a good actress that i can fool the best psychologists i have met......... am i an attention seeker, someone who victimises herself so that she can gain attention...... is this outburst only because PS mam is not having an individual session with me while she seems to be talking to everyone else........ am i sooo self centered and narcissistic???? or is it that she has read me and want me to suffer and come out of my narcissism.......

i guess the basic question remains........ WHO AM I??? WHY AM I???

all i request and pray for are answers not salvation........ MY SAVIOUR DOESN'T EXIST so i suffer in acceptance but for that acceptance i need understanding....... My faith wavers ....... i need your support...... i need your shoulders to lean on and cry, to rest my head and to finally sleep..... maybe an eternal peaceful sleep

REST IN PEACE ANISHA MATHEWS!!!!! REST IN PEACE!!!!