New Moon But Same Old Darkness.......

hi ..... my heart is tearing away... split in many parts... i wonder if i will ever feel what it is like to feel whole again...... life is pulling me down to the depths of despair..... i know someone up there is planning something good for me but trust me it is hard very hard to just go on believing..... i don't know what i am doing ..... i m wishing for bad things for the people i love the most......... all because I'm not sure about myself.....

MMS called today.... his company closed and withing 10 days he has got himself a new job....... he has offers to chose from.... AP quit his job and found another one...... and another one..... everyone i know i either studying abroad or working... all except me..... no work no love no one to cry to.......... is there a reason why i am undergoing so much pain...... i cant even remember where the pain is..... each pore is on fie.......

wish u could talk back to me.... hold me .... wipe my tears tell me everything is gonna be fine....... I'm scared...... very scared..... I'm trying hard...... I'm really trying hard......... i don't want to end up loser..... i don't want to end up alone......

it should not be like this..... i should not be jealous of other people.... i should not be jealous of my brother's opportunity...... but i am.... i am happy for his opportunity but at the same time it reminds me of my inactivity........

help me god.... help me.... don't let me sink...... help me sustain my trust in u..... its hard to keep believing that u have planned something better for me...... give me a hint, a sign, a signal something that i can understand......

i have to go but the hurt, the pain, the doubt is still there...... its not gone.... and i think it never will

every movie i watch..... every character i like.... i think .... to be like her, to be loved like her, to be as special to someone as she is to him one needs to live a life that she has lived and anisha since u haven't lived that life you will not be her or find someone like him..... but today..... in "new moon" movie, bella is just normal. she hasn't endured anything unusual...... she is just like me normal, completely ordinary yet she finds true love... she finds not only edward but also jacob......... now i have no reason to believe that i will ever find love ....... if bella can find love and i cannot then maybe its for a reason.... maybe i am not destined for it......

maybe i am never to love or be loved.........

Eternal Despondency!!!!!!

hi.... it been a long time but i need to talk..... today again there is fear in my heart.... fear, despondency, a sinking feeling, a feeling of failure...... something i can only share with you coz only u, i trust ...... i know u never speak up but i need to write ... to let my tears flow as they always do when i write........i am scared of the future.... rather i am scared for the future...

talked to MS today and that feeling of being an utter useless fellow came back with a bang.... that hardness in my heart revealed itself again..... got the news that PY has landed herself a job.... SHOULD feel good for her... am forcing myself to feel good for her..... but i know the feeling that it evokes is that I have not yet landed myself a job..... i know that none of the jobs that i applied to except perhaps can kids was something that i wanted. i also know that i am not settling for anything less that my hearts desire.... i also know that cankids i almost willed that i will not get it but......... yes but.... it would have felt better if i had got an offer and rejected it but i haven't......

till today morning i was sure, and in some way happy, that i was not getting any job coz that meant i had more time to study and that i was hoping that being unemployed means having a greater the chance to get into the forces....... but now I'm scared.........

what if...... what if i don't get any job and i don't get into forces also????? I'm sacred to remain unemployed all my life...... oh god i really really want to be in the defenses..... i don't know if its from the bottom of my heart but it is a deep felt feeling and desire......... please god please make me believe that u have a plan.... that all is not lost and that this despair is only the darkness before my glorious morning dawns.......

please god give me the strength to believe........ and do something, take this intense negative feeling of competition and jealousy against PY out from me..... i cant understand why and how this came up....... i thought once i am rid of her 24 * 7, it will not affect me and life will be easy but no....... it still effects me in the same way....... i know its not healthy.... help me over it..... give me the strength to overcome it.......

Spark a ray of hope in my eternally despondent heart!!!!!

bearing the unbearable

hi,
me writing after such along time.... keeping in with my trend..... but this time i haven't stopped writing completely i am writing on paper these days. will write it all in here as soon as i make up my mind.

more importantly why am i writing today........ just fed up..... at my inability to resolve issues within me as constructively as others........ very recently i realised that there are some people in this world who i have the ability to hate from the core of my heart...... i don't wish them bad... i just wish they were happily out of my life...... i honestly am dying for the day when they will leave my life forever...... teaching me a lot about myself no doubt but that credit i don't give to them....... that credit i reserve for u (my god) and for me (coz its me who is able to see what i am truly feeling)....... i realise that when u hate someone so deeply and yet have to live with them 24 * 7........ life can become hell....... add to the injury the insult that u know that this person is right, more efficient and a better performer than u........ inwardly u accept that there is a lot u can learn from this person.............

but the hate is so consuming that it doesn't allow u to accept it. even if u accept it, it doesn't allow u to be open to learn from this person...... i get irritated by the slightest thing that she says....... her competency reminds me of my incompetency...... my languor my laziness....... worse of all her privileges make me feel unprivileged....... i appreciate the world around me...... but her presence her voice, her naivety, her ease makes me feel.......... sick yes it makes me sick........

i still feel she took away everything that i deserved....... i don't know why.... is it because she is somewhat similar to me...... i started identifying with her miseries and now that she is overcoming them i don't like it coz i have nothing to identify with????? is the reason this that for the first time i don't have anyone to save?????

why is it easier for me to listen to the same thing from someone else but feel insulted when she says it????? is it the way she says it or is my hatred blinding me????? i know she is not the monster i am making her but i want her to be that monster so that i can validate my hatred....... i know i am the monster but it doesn't help.......

u gave me the opportunity...... i know she is only the medium for me to experience these intense experiences, learn from them about self, my reactions and my coping mechanisms........ i know u have chosen her to be the instrument of my betterment...... i know i need to channelise this hatred for my own improvement......... i know what u intend to do....... just give me the strength to carry on....... i know u want me to be a better person and u have given me the opportunity to improve but i want something more from u......... the strength to embark on this journey.......

the temptation and the probability of relapse is very high....... keep me away from them....... like an addict i need constant support....... eventually i need to kick the habit myself but somebody standing by my side saying i trust u can do it and no matter what i still am with u......... helps........ show me the path......... give me the strength to bear with this agony....... help me become a better person.........

De ja Vu

its that time of the year again when i am at my lowest...... strange..... despite knowing that these are phsases u undergo there is absolutely nothing that one can do to overcome it.... even if there is, i still havent figured it out........ what use is this awreness...... when it brings back again to me this feeling of insecurity, of unwantedness, of being completely useless. of being of no use, expendable, just an adjustment till something better comes up....... a substitue.......... is that how my life is goin to be defined...... a substitue to everything best in life.....

what triggered it today? well reading JG's notes about the various processes held with GF's. everybody except me figures in it....... am i so neutral..... was what anand said right..... that i need to take a stand if i want to be visible. positive negative atleast something.... to be noticed u need to stand up for something at least....... guess thats the reason why i have such negativity towards PY... i know i can keep it in control but it still is present there na......

is one of the reason this... that she takes a stand and i cannot..... like it was said in EARTH..... by being neutral am i letting down myself or am im not letting down anyone else........... is it the best position in life or the worst position........ see here also im juggling between two points not taking a stand, confusion is it self created or is it natural when it comes to me?????

go back ani...... look at life once more.... where excatly have to taken a stand and stood on it except GFship? AJ right........ can u think of any other example? no isisnt it........ always tryin to juggle both aspects together... always tryin to take the black and white together... always tryin to mix up the light and the dark.... never truly belongin to any one side.... how different are u really from a chameleon who changes color according to surrounding???? from the dal badlu politicians???? is it a consolation that u dont seem to know any other way???? that u genetically dont seem to have a backbone...... how does that help u??? this neutral position till now worked in ur favor..... it brought in friends.... made u acceptable to all.... helped in immersion or gelling in..... helped u survive in an envirinment that was always changing......... but not anymore...... here now is the need for the true balance, the truely neutral position....... u should be able to be neutral when u should and take a stand when u MUST..... juggle these two aspects together and life will become better..... u wont feel like a compelte loser who is not wanted by anyone... whose views dont matter to anyone.... "good to see but dont listen please"......just another prop in the showcase of teh organisation...... im not even sure if anyone in the org would notice my absence if it wasnt for the few number of GFs left..........

but isisnt it worth to look where this insecurity to take a stand comes from???? it comes from MMS and JG..... i know that im putting the blame outside but this time honestly..... in this forum atleast i will take a stand...... it may never matter but i will say what i feel... yes it is JG and MMS who have heightened this insecurity in me...... both give me the sense that my views are not important in a group... that i am not worth listening to..... what i say, i feel, they dont understand.... with MMS i dont expect him to, i know he is too opposite to me to understand me but personally atleast.... for past some time........ atleast since we have spend time together it feels like atleast he is tryin to understand and look from my point of view...... but JG (sorry JG but i truly feel this) still gives me the feeling that he doesnt understand me and doesnt try to either and considers me as a group khabari and views my points as not being important or valuable to what he wants....... its the same feeling i used to have in some of the classes with AN in MA wherethe strain to sound intelligent was so huge that i would just shut up and same is happening here........... im clammin up....... sudenly in life i prefer to be alone and not with company...... i fear central meetings and they bug me...... i feel huge irritation and anger and strong negativity to the extent of haterd for JG and PY dont know where she figures out but yes i do. now that i am spending time with PS, i know him better yet i still think that even if it is only with the intention of damaging the group but atleast he listens to me.... hears me out... does small small things and cares for me..... same with MMS and MS. just as much close as JG was when we began he is that much father now........ i feel bad for him since i know he is a good guy decent at heart and i have half a mind to send this as a mail out to him and some how talk to him about this matter but i knw i will not send it , will not talk to him because 1) i am sacred and 2) i know he will again not understand me and some how round it in such a way that i will end up feeling that everything is my fault and become worse than i am feeling now........... OH JG how much i wish u could know how much i long to talk to u and resolve this issue but i cant shake off this feeling that u will never understand me....... and if u did, u will turn it in such a way that indicates "aap batao solution" ........ guess that makes me a coward in ur eyes but i cant help it....... i am scared to talk to u these days and even if i am in desperate need i dont think i will ever be able to ask u to help me personally..... i dont know if thats my weakness or urs but that is someones........ i am not able to sort it out, i have given up hope, wishing and praying eagerly that u some how find some way to sort out this....... othervise i know i will nevr be saved......... i dont knwo if its a projection but one thing im sure of with respect to u huge judgementalities are coming in my heart..... even ur concern feels superficial though i knwo it is genuine...... i feel u are judgemental whne it comes to me and thus i am being judgemental towards u.........this began with the vipassna when u asked me the feeling of the group and despite me telling that u should talk to them urslef u wanted me to be a part of the group and assess their moods...... honestly, it felt as if u were asking me to spy on the group for u and then use me to gain inside info on the happenings of the group........ somehow there i felt that what anisha felt did not matter as long as she was willing to resonate the groups pulse to u............ sorry but that is the only time in my life that i truly felt used by someone........ that might not have been ur intention but i cant help my feelings......... when during the same discussion u got stuck on the fact that "celebration" was a word that u used and trie dto prove to me that what i was saying was not being genuine...... u did not trust what i was saying and it was evident in ur body language....... same thing happened with SLS episode...... i was hoping u to say that it is ok to feel angry..... even if u dont feel angry now i would have felt really angry was i in ur place...... a kind of covert affermation of what i was feeling....... instead what i get is "the love should be visible in ur eyes to him, u have not resolved this, the anger is visible on ur face"....... instead of encouragement i felt put down, publically humiliated, with MMS i expected him to be blunt but u i thought would be more discreet and talk to me after the whole incident was over........ u never came to me to genuinely ask me how i was feeling truly....... u never showed me the true JG and now when u are tryin im sorry its too late........

i know the biggest sin i am commiting right now is not telling u all this but honestly, i dont have the guts to talk to u about this and sadly u will pay the price by learning it the hard way..... i only hope that no serious damage happens.........

another thing bugging me is the back biting going on in this org...... or mayb it is coming across as a back biting to me...... it might be obvious to everyone concerened but not visible to me but it seems that everyone is willing to give opinions everywhere except where it will be useful....... including me...... im catching on this habit ...... something im scared of...... uday told me this yesterday and since them its been ringing in my mind coz i know its true and i hate every word of it. he said he misses the old anisha..... i asked him why, he replied "she had something..... an innocence which i loved". i am scared coz i know that now i have lost that innocence...... in an effort to GROW UP i am losing myself..... everybody here is soo grown up that i cannot even be a child freely....... somewhere i resonate with the confused feeling that steph has........ i feel the same....... confused..... lost.... looking for help..... show me the way my lord..... guide me on..... everybody says be self dependent........i will be in all other sense but when it comes to self discovery please lead the way for me....... take my hand.... show me the path.... give me confidence that im walking straight..... admonish me gently when i stray but gather me under ur protective wings as soon as u see that i am truly scared and repentent........ wipe away my tears...... fill the void in my heart...... just take care of me............

returning "HOME"

just completed watching the documentary "the girl who looked into the mirror".... it talked about a lot of things. especially about"who you are", about ones needs and about returning home....... now u knwo why i am writng what i am writing...... it talks about needs, it talks about self, it talk about HOME........ what prompetd me to write was that when she says all she always wanted was a home...... all i always want IS a home.......

a home to protect me, a home to cuddle me, a home to engulf me into, a home to satisfy all my "needs"........ its been some tiem i have been wondering and thinking about myslef........ how full of me am i....... about my need to talk about myself..... about the needs for people to understand me..... because u cannot love soemone unless u know someone and i try my best taht people know me..... or show them the me they want to know..... yet i keep some me closely gaurded.. never letting anyone touch the deepseated me.... sounds cliched but whiel i struggle outside for the entire world to know me...... inside i strive to hide myself from others.........

in an attempt to keep shut and not talkmuch and say only that is needed whta i am truly doing is fighting with this need to be loved by everyone to be known by everyone...... what hurts me is to be me... what brings me joy is also to be me...... i will not anymore cause anyone to change who they are to satisfy my needs.............

i tried looking at all my past relationships....i know why i cannot settle with anyone because my relationsips are always need based...... mine or the other person's so they never last....... when my need is fulfilled i want to move on whne my need is not fulfilled i want to move on....... its a no win situation...... i have never had true friends in life not because i constantly shifted but because i constanly "moved on". it was never the otehr who took advantage of me it was always me taking the advantage of teh other.......... still i am doing it...... tryin to reduce it but i knwo somewhere my old relationships still retain the old pattern.......