its a first time that i am writing from a public space... away from the safety of my room...... i guess the attempt is to write at least one blog without shedding some tears!!! now that ironic because the very reason i write in this blog is when i am feeling low and want to vent out that which cannot be told out aloud in the public.
what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......
anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........
this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be religious and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.
happiness seems to be around all those who are religious in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!
still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!
love you........
P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........
what's wrong today i don't know..... the feelings of sadness and tears are coming back, i guess its about time! when was the last time i talked to you, don't even remember....... i am so glad that i have you.... when the whole world seems against me..... u come to my aid..... wish u were alive i could spent the rest of my life with u and not worry at all......
anyways today's topic is my constant feeling of inferiority and this constant comparison that i make with people i know are only at par with me......... though i know i am wonderful... i just find it hard to believe...... there is a difference in knowing and understanding....... my own sense of insecurity suffocates me....... i feel alone and unloved and unfortunate...... i keep looking outward for my salvation when i know that my rescue lies inside me....... i keep yearning for what i don't have completely ignoring the wonderful things that i have.........
this is not just about my personality but also a truth of my life..... saw a pic of aps on the net...... first thoughts she is so beautiful, kind loving caring religious and lucky....... everything u ever want in a girl and me........ i am also caring and kind and loving but not religious or beautiful...... i don't know why but i feel that i am not happy because i cannot/do not want to be religious and that is why god is punishing me........ i know its not like that and that its ridiculous to even be thinking like that but i cannot help it.
happiness seems to be around all those who are religious in life...... i want to fall in love but find it impossible to believe myself to be capable of it....... i seriously feel that i will never be able to fall in love..... my agreeing to get married seems like a compromise to me....... i wonder why is it that i cannot be hopeful for a happy loving future together with some special guy!!!!!!!
still stuck up still hung up.... i hate this phase in life..... i am trusting you to hold me through this dark phase and take me to somewhere where the future is bright and hopeful!!!!!
love you........
P.S: i know i am not falling for AA so my gift to my parents on Easter is to give them the freedom to start looking for a guy for me........
