this blog today is not abt my rants on how life is unfair to me today its a question that i keep debating within myself....
it is about the existence of GOD...... im always confused abt does god exist or not......
more importantly does my god exist or not...... he (my gender bias) always makes me believe that he does exist... how well anything i wish for, pray for and weep for i never get... there has to b sumone up there preventing it otherwise how can it happen every time....... so i know he is up there... what i dont know is if he is on my side or not..... i know he loves me... he is supposed to right, that's what gods do they love human beings...... but he also needs to show that to me.... am i blind that i cannot see his blessings or is he just waiting for the right time to dazzle me???
i dunno..... I'm afraid to wish for things now.... why coz I'm sure he will use it against me..... its not even a rebellious streak in me that says that whats happening is unfair... that i should not be treated this way.... that's what scares me... i am just accepting..... accepting that things are gonna go wrong.... and i am making them go wrong
is it self fulfilling prophesy...... whats happening, its as if i don't wanna accept it for myself that things are changing that i am beginning to feel something..... something that has long been buried, something that has long been just yearned and prayed and wished for...... I'm standing on the razor sharp realisation that i "feel" and the fear that if i feel i will lose it...... gosh i cried i cried for it now its lost forever
i have somehow cum to believe that anything that i desire and brings happiness to me is destined to be taken away from me..... i cannot even make myself write that i love, coz the fear of loosing is soo acute...... its almost like a physical pain in my heart....... i know this is different from the others coz i have never actively pushed anyone way just because I'm scared of loosing them..... every time i have pushed a guy away its coz i don't see the future working out in our favor..... but here..... this time.... i don't even want to imagine a future..... why because i fear that just imagining d future will make GOD realise that i desire it and it will be taken away.......
it sounds funny to u,,,, u think that i think that u cannot hold me forever, honestly that's not it..... what i fear is that u may not love me back coz u never said so..... if i see u i will not be able to tell myself that u are not real, that i cannot fall in love with a dream..... i know d moment i see u, u become real and the moment u become real i fall in love with u, the moment that happens GOD will do something to ruin it and....... leave me heart broken again...... now i can pull my heart back by imagining the distance the impossibility of a face to face meeting, the futility of the desire but not once i have met u...... not once i have touched u...... den u become ingrained in me and that loss will be heart wrenching
once i lost a piece of my heart...... my childish immature pure and blissful love, lost it just like that..... no fault of mine...... no fault of his..... destiny..... never had anyone to blame (maybe if i had i wouldn't be such a wreck..... i wouldn't b so scared)....... never completely recovered from it.... still haven't...... the hurt lingers on...... any further possible love i compared with the intensity of the first one..... none matched.... none encouraged...... miserable for 8 years of my life...... burning in hell.... healing others but hurting inside....... wiping their tears and shedding my own.....
then i found u... with u it was different... everything was different.... we began differently..... non conventionally...... i don't even remember how we began talking...... it seems like we always did.... and den i send u ur gift after what 3 months of chatting???? never ever have i done that neither before nor after...... that was just that once....... 4 years never meeting face to face.... just chatting and talking..... many times i felt something weired but i brushed it aside saying its anyway never gonna work..... we r never gonna meet..... it was nice, it was different, it was mature...... u kept falling in and out of luv....... i kept falling in and out of u...... but still d distance made me feel safe..... it let me dream on and enjoy coz i knew this wasn't going to be ruined co this wasn't perfect.....
GOD could not keep us apart and yet ruin it cos he only ruins that which is perfect for me....... den she came in...... instilled the desire to meet, said out aloud what i was refusing to even consider deep inside my heart...... and i like a stupid jumped on it...... dreamt on it... tried to make it real.... involved u in this fiasco..... got ur hopes high and made u dream too...... and today when d reality is actually about to hit me I'm scared.... scared at what i have got into..... I'm beginning to make this imperfect relation into perfection..... I'm giving him a chance to ruin it..... actually I'm making him ruin it...... I HAVE RUINED IT........ there is no way i am ever gonna be able to cum to meet u..... I'm too scared to ask.....
GOD knows how much i want to be with u, hold u, touch u, talk to u but it will happen only in my fantasy....... i will never be allowed such bliss in reality, neither by society nor by divinity........ even if we meet what if ......... what if its only me who is in luv, u have never ever said anything, and i don't blame u for that....... u have been honest...... u have teased but never actually said...... what if I'm reading too much into something that's not there......... that would b the easiest way to ruin things........ again cannot blame anyone.....
I'm taking a huge risk...... I'm trusting someone who i don't even for sure believe exists....... i know if it fails all that I'm gonna do is trust that it was not for me and something better is in store but i have to take a chance....... many would say I'm making a huge mistake...... but many don't understand my fear.......... many don't understand my logic..... many don't know that all i want is for him to come here and tell me how much he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me..... but this time i throw the ball into ur court...... if this is meant to be u make it work...... never ever have u talked to me or given me anything i want so this time i leave it on u....... i want it and u know it but this time i wont beg...... i wont cry...... i wont plead..... i will look u in the eye and say do what u want to do...... i will live with regret that i did not do anything....... but i cannot live with the regret that u made me feel love again and then took it away..... so if he is mine i meet him, if i don't he is not..... the ball is in your court......
CANT LET U BREAK MY TRUST AGAIN...........
