so whats it this time..... what else.... my pathetic story of life...... this time though the questions are a bit more generic still focused on my life but addressing a larger cosmos.
what is with the world, destiny, lord, god, luck.... whatever one calls it....... what is with that supreme power which by a flick of his/her finger makes the world turn...... for convenience sake I'll assume that the supreme power is a male...... actually i do honestly feel that it has to be a male, there is no other explanation to why a perfectly normal looking and easily stabilised life would suddenly be filled with throngs of sadness and tears........ why is it that just when life seems to have settled down for the best some random occurrence turns it Topsy turfy........ and its not just the life that is turned upside down..... its the person as well......
it has to be a Man who for his pleasure plays with the life of others....... no prejudices intended but why cant god just let things be as they are..... some people are happy, some people are sad and some make peace with the fact that they will never be happy.......... content with underachieving and hiding in the shadows they are living a peacefully bliss full existence when suddenly one Day he decides they need a passion......... something to die for and something to give their everything into........they slog like anything..... believing that life will be better because there is no passion without support...... he would not have introduced this intensity was it not meant to be fulfilled....... he would not have shown the way had it not been leadin to the destination....... so believing the fools that we are, we follow, we endure, we suffer while he enjoys, puts forth temptations, makes us walk through thorns and puts salts on out wounds.......... we hang on till the last curve believing that suffering pays....... that if you carry your own cross you will achieve salvation.........
little do we know that salvation is only to be longed for never achieved, that beyond the curve hides the cliff not the destination........ he leaves us hanging...... believing that we did learn something, burning passion not yet quenched, wanting and desiring to do more....... planning and preparing to climb the next hill........
but then he brings in trials and tribulations....... i know he is trying to make us strong...... if only it were so easy...... to know that we need to rise from the throngs of depression is one thing, to achieve it is another..........to stand up and smile, when u know u are broken inside, when the impulse is to scream and tear oneself into pieces but reality demands other vise that is when i wish we had the courage to get up and fight........
i know i will cry for some time, vent my feelings here and then go back to sleep, my perfect way to deal with crisis but is it the right way........ am i even dealing or just letting my feelings sink deep into the unconscious......... where it cannot consciously hurt me......
do i always aspire for that which cannot be mine?am i always overambitious without reason..... or am i a fool desiring a moon as her own playmate? am i destined for greatness with all or most of my dreams fulfilled or is mediocrity my way of life....... surviving not living......
why cant you make up ur mind lord........ im not running anywhere........ i here waiting for u to reach a decision for u to sort out ur issues, so that i can sort out my life........
so that i can be content with whatever u have decided........ i have had many variations and no stability in life........ at least now provide me with stability... decide what u want to do with me...... don't let me hang in here........ support if u agree oppose if u disagree........ whatever u decide make the decision so clear that there is no doubt......... no doubt that i am what i am supposed to be......
i am tired of being tested....... if u want to test me give me the strength to overcome it......... don't test me to fail me.......... that is something i cannot handle anymore........... im tired of tossing and turning i just want to stay........... i just want you to MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!!
