talked to MS today and that feeling of being an utter useless fellow came back with a bang.... that hardness in my heart revealed itself again..... got the news that PY has landed herself a job.... SHOULD feel good for her... am forcing myself to feel good for her..... but i know the feeling that it evokes is that I have not yet landed myself a job..... i know that none of the jobs that i applied to except perhaps can kids was something that i wanted. i also know that i am not settling for anything less that my hearts desire.... i also know that cankids i almost willed that i will not get it but......... yes but.... it would have felt better if i had got an offer and rejected it but i haven't......
till today morning i was sure, and in some way happy, that i was not getting any job coz that meant i had more time to study and that i was hoping that being unemployed means having a greater the chance to get into the forces....... but now I'm scared.........
what if...... what if i don't get any job and i don't get into forces also????? I'm sacred to remain unemployed all my life...... oh god i really really want to be in the defenses..... i don't know if its from the bottom of my heart but it is a deep felt feeling and desire......... please god please make me believe that u have a plan.... that all is not lost and that this despair is only the darkness before my glorious morning dawns.......
please god give me the strength to believe........ and do something, take this intense negative feeling of competition and jealousy against PY out from me..... i cant understand why and how this came up....... i thought once i am rid of her 24 * 7, it will not affect me and life will be easy but no....... it still effects me in the same way....... i know its not healthy.... help me over it..... give me the strength to overcome it.......
Spark a ray of hope in my eternally despondent heart!!!!!
