bearing the unbearable

hi,
me writing after such along time.... keeping in with my trend..... but this time i haven't stopped writing completely i am writing on paper these days. will write it all in here as soon as i make up my mind.

more importantly why am i writing today........ just fed up..... at my inability to resolve issues within me as constructively as others........ very recently i realised that there are some people in this world who i have the ability to hate from the core of my heart...... i don't wish them bad... i just wish they were happily out of my life...... i honestly am dying for the day when they will leave my life forever...... teaching me a lot about myself no doubt but that credit i don't give to them....... that credit i reserve for u (my god) and for me (coz its me who is able to see what i am truly feeling)....... i realise that when u hate someone so deeply and yet have to live with them 24 * 7........ life can become hell....... add to the injury the insult that u know that this person is right, more efficient and a better performer than u........ inwardly u accept that there is a lot u can learn from this person.............

but the hate is so consuming that it doesn't allow u to accept it. even if u accept it, it doesn't allow u to be open to learn from this person...... i get irritated by the slightest thing that she says....... her competency reminds me of my incompetency...... my languor my laziness....... worse of all her privileges make me feel unprivileged....... i appreciate the world around me...... but her presence her voice, her naivety, her ease makes me feel.......... sick yes it makes me sick........

i still feel she took away everything that i deserved....... i don't know why.... is it because she is somewhat similar to me...... i started identifying with her miseries and now that she is overcoming them i don't like it coz i have nothing to identify with????? is the reason this that for the first time i don't have anyone to save?????

why is it easier for me to listen to the same thing from someone else but feel insulted when she says it????? is it the way she says it or is my hatred blinding me????? i know she is not the monster i am making her but i want her to be that monster so that i can validate my hatred....... i know i am the monster but it doesn't help.......

u gave me the opportunity...... i know she is only the medium for me to experience these intense experiences, learn from them about self, my reactions and my coping mechanisms........ i know u have chosen her to be the instrument of my betterment...... i know i need to channelise this hatred for my own improvement......... i know what u intend to do....... just give me the strength to carry on....... i know u want me to be a better person and u have given me the opportunity to improve but i want something more from u......... the strength to embark on this journey.......

the temptation and the probability of relapse is very high....... keep me away from them....... like an addict i need constant support....... eventually i need to kick the habit myself but somebody standing by my side saying i trust u can do it and no matter what i still am with u......... helps........ show me the path......... give me the strength to bear with this agony....... help me become a better person.........