just completed watching the documentary "the girl who looked into the mirror".... it talked about a lot of things. especially about"who you are", about ones needs and about returning home....... now u knwo why i am writng what i am writing...... it talks about needs, it talks about self, it talk about HOME........ what prompetd me to write was that when she says all she always wanted was a home...... all i always want IS a home.......
a home to protect me, a home to cuddle me, a home to engulf me into, a home to satisfy all my "needs"........ its been some tiem i have been wondering and thinking about myslef........ how full of me am i....... about my need to talk about myself..... about the needs for people to understand me..... because u cannot love soemone unless u know someone and i try my best taht people know me..... or show them the me they want to know..... yet i keep some me closely gaurded.. never letting anyone touch the deepseated me.... sounds cliched but whiel i struggle outside for the entire world to know me...... inside i strive to hide myself from others.........
in an attempt to keep shut and not talkmuch and say only that is needed whta i am truly doing is fighting with this need to be loved by everyone to be known by everyone...... what hurts me is to be me... what brings me joy is also to be me...... i will not anymore cause anyone to change who they are to satisfy my needs.............
i tried looking at all my past relationships....i know why i cannot settle with anyone because my relationsips are always need based...... mine or the other person's so they never last....... when my need is fulfilled i want to move on whne my need is not fulfilled i want to move on....... its a no win situation...... i have never had true friends in life not because i constantly shifted but because i constanly "moved on". it was never the otehr who took advantage of me it was always me taking the advantage of teh other.......... still i am doing it...... tryin to reduce it but i knwo somewhere my old relationships still retain the old pattern.......
