god works in mysterious ways!!!!!!!!!!!

hi ,
im back....... was really busy all these days with stupid submissions which noone Even cares abt!!!!!!!!
anyway today i write cos of sumthing amazing that happened last saterday............
u know na that i go to J puri for my project data collection well this happened there only............. there I was in my room with my children talkin excusively to one of them and then i realise that my Dictaphone has no memory and that all data that i am gonna get aftr this will be based entirely on my memo........ i m sad and devastated but i valiantly tread on!!!!! and there out of nowhere comes this guy............yes yes i hear u saying there had to be a guy but what do i do my life is hell with them and hell without them also!!!!!!!!!! but jst hear me out...........
so there came this guy interested in the drawing books that i had laid out. i assume he thot that some of the drawings were mine... he seemed interested i told none were mine he still seemed interested......... we started talking......... within mins he started analysing me............ saying things which no guy wld ever say to a girl....... he saw sadness in my eyes.... felt my laughter was shallow............ said I'm not in touch with who i am and that my life isn't as rosy as i seem to make it appear.......... every word of his i pretended to disbelive................... each wrd of his i wondered how the hell does he read me like a book..................

i pride my self on being a complex person...... sum1 very good at camouflage but he saw right thro.... that to in few mins...................... i hated him coz he saw me so crystal clear ..........i loved him coz he saw me so crystal clear................. he asked my number...........i counter asked another Q but later gave him my number coz i wanted him to call me, meet me and talk o me...............
i went on to conduct my interview after we were chatting for abt half hour ,i completely forgot abt him as i immersed into my project bt at least once, i saw him spying on me from the window...............i felt mayb......rather wished he was interested in me........

.......and he did seem to be........he called me "chasme wali madam" he wanted to look at my eyes i didn't allow they were only for me too see i was scared he wld see the real me right through them..............then i left for home he waved me bye and i responded................

all thro sunday and mon and tue that is today i waited...........waited that he will call but he did not..........not yet........mayb he didn't want to maby he cld not but the bottom line is he did not.................

but u know what today i got an insight............at the metro station while cumin back i suddenly jst got this thot mayb jst mayb he and i were destined for jst one meetin....mayb the purpose of d meeting was to let me know sumthin.......kinda divine msg for me.............. mayb it was HIM tellin me that im not forgotten... that he is listening to me and that i jst need to wait that there is sum1 he has made for me......... that my dream guy exists .........mayb its jst a matter of waiting sum more and the i realised that yes that cld be the only possibility...... an explanation to all that was said and felt that day.................HE came down in a guy's form to help me ahead with my faith in him............... HE came to tell me to hang on and not let go now............ and now i get it..............

everything seems to be crystal clear...............

I JUST NEED TO WAIT SUM MORE TIME!!!!!!!!!

LOVE U AND WAITING FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paranoid Schizoid ....... Am I???????

Why am I writing today, coz I cant handle whats happening in my life anymore. Its too much for me now……. I might just break down but I know wont i m not that lucky in life…… im jst being tested….. to see how much can I take in and I will prove it to the one abv that I can take in a lot more than he can give…. Im his child… he bore the wooden cross I bear the psychological cross……. He knew he was the son of god I don’t even know what I am….. he had great powers and cured millions and millions of followers I have nuttin and yet im bear a cross I believe more heavier than he carried. But its ok after all im me and not him…… A lot of what I write may make no sense to u but jst hear me out.
The facts first. The main reason im writing today is that dad has not been talking to me for two days why as usual I have no clue. It all started on Thursday when I decided to clean up and tidy up my room. By after noon I was really tired and I decided to leave the half organized room as it is and so it remained till dad came in the evening. When dad came in he was in a very good mood, loving talking playing with me all which I felt a lil weird but I played along. Then he came along to my room to iron some cloths and saw the “mess” I had made in my room and got angry and irritated. He said a lot of things which I didn’t bother to hear. But then later arpita called and I felt that she was not in a good mood, so I decided to go to agra and spend a night with her. Since dad was supposed to go to mathura as mom had to leave for hissar on sat for two months and dad had to help her pack and all I thought I’ll go with him. And since he was givin me the silent treatment I jst asked him when is he leaving for mathura and told and asked permission to go and spend a night with aps. He did not reply and said that he is leaving in evening and that do i want to reach agra at night? I got irritated and called up mom and told her the whole scenario and also told her that I’ll leave the next morning. She said she is fine but dad says the last word. No word from him even next morning. I leave. Mom calls up half way and inquires abt my travel plans and stayin plans and I get a lil bit irritated and ask her to call up aps and confirm if she wants. She does the same and then says she is fine. No news frm dads side yet. I leave, keep givin missed calls at respective durations to both mom and dad, mom replies never dad. I have a grt time and me and aps return together and since then dad has been not talking to me and givin me the silent treatment. Treating me as a guest on whom he is doin some favor.

Now that the facts have been stated I don’t even want to express my feelings. I know he has no clue but since I lost my cell I lost the desire to do anything. I think im goin into depression doin things only because they have to be done and mostly at the last min. but how can I not be so. I feel like I have turned into a paranoid schizoid person. Or maybe I always one. Carrying the guilt of making my parents (esp my dad) unhappy every time I am happy. My happiness seems to me like a curse for him. I know he wants me happy but really sometimes I feel it’s a conditioned feeling. He wants me happy only if I do whatever he wants. Its like u keep me happy and find ur happiness in what makes me happy. Tears haven’t stopped rolling down my cheeks since the new year began. I feel so alone and so scared to be happy. I remember a conversation I had with ajay he told that I like to be alone. I just want to tell him no I don’t.. I don’t like to be alone but im also scraed that being happy will hurt the person I love the most and its this guilt that keeps me from enjoyin life. Like honey maam said how can an infant be secure and explore the world when she knows that she will not be received with love when she returns back home. When she knows that if she leaves she will end up hurtin the environment which has taken care of all her needs. How can I enjoy life when I know that my enjoyment is at the cost of my dad’s smile. That when I m stayin at home, studying, playin with him when he wants me to, being a good daughter, following all his wishes and sorting out hi and moms problems and be happy in JUST that much; he is very happy. Anything more and he thinks I don’t care for him, I don’t love him……….
I do love him can some one please tell him that I do love hi but all I want is to be free. All I want is the knowledge that I can go out and explore the world and yet come back to my parents who will accept me with smiles and lovin hug not silent treatment.oh my dear god this is for u…. with heartfelt prayers and tears in my eyes and with all the humbleness my heart can ever gather I PRAY to u I pray going down on my knees u know that no one can see how much I am hurting, my pain my tears. All I want I someone to see that and for that someone to be mine till im alive. I NEED TO BE LOVED FELT AND UNDERSTOOD that’s all……………