बातें भूल जाती है यादें याद आती है.......

हिचकियों से एक बात का पता चलता है,
कि कोई हमे याद तो करता है,
बात न करे तो क्या हुआ,
कोई आज भी हम पर कुछ लम्हे बरबाद तो करता है,

ज़िंदगी हमेशा पाने के लिए नही होती,
हर बात समझाने के लिए नही होती,
याद तो अक्सर आती है आप की,
लकिन हर याद जताने के लिए नही होती,

महफिल न सही तन्हाई तो मिलती है,
मिलन न सही जुदाई तो मिलती है,
कौन कहता है मोहब्बत में कुछ नही मिलता,
वफ़ा न सही बेवफाई तो मिलती है,

कितनी जल्दी ये मुलाक़ात गुज़र जाती है,
प्यास भुजती नही बरसात गुज़र जाती है,
अपनी यादों से कह दो कि यहाँ न आया करे,
नींद आती नही और रात गुज़र जाती है,

उमर की राह मे रस्ते बदल जाते हैं,
वक्त की आंधी में इन्सान बदल जाते हैं,
सोचते हैं तुम्हें इतना याद न करें,
लेकिन आंखें बंद करते ही इरादे बदल जाते हैं,

कभी कभी दिल उदास होता है,
हल्का हल्का सा आँखों को एहसास होता है,
छलकती है मेरी भी आँखों से नमी,
जब तुम्हारे दूर होने का एहसास होता है,

not by me just remembered sumone when i read it and felt it should be here!!!!!!!!!

finding myself or is it loosing!!!!!!!

Hi, u must be thinking I am a selfish bitch who writes in only when I want to…. well in a sense yes I am. Most of the problems in life I can face alone with a lot of help from my best friend above, but when the feelings become tooo overwhelming I need a friend, a confidant, someone who will listen without judging and some one I know will always be there when ever I want them. If it is any consolation I only write in what I cannot handle and am too fearful to share with any one even arpita. In that case u are my true reflected self!!!!!!!! Why I am writing in today is because of what happened yesterday….. I met **** yesterday,,, remember him ohh u don’t, he’s the one and only guy I truly ever fell for, head over heels, completely in love, with body, mind and soul…… he’s the guy who for the first time made me feel that I can cry in front of him, the first person in the world who actually saw me when I was truly trying to run away from the whole world and did not freak out…. He made me feel that he did not love the confident, strong and funny anisha but also the weak, the scared and the irrational anisha. In retrospective I realize when I fought with my family and his to keep being with him I was not fighting for him as the person but what he stands for. At last in the past 18 yrs of my life I had found sumone like that and I was not letting him go with out a fight and fight I did….. with my family, his family, our friends just to be with him. But eventually I lost, his dad got transferred and we lost touch but at the cost of losing the trust of my parents, gaining their suspicion and losing my faith in love and returning back to that self where façade and masking was the major part of being. So much insecurity, so much fear and soo much “need for love” all buried within some corner of my heart. I played the part of the confident, happy, funny and “good” daughter and person with ease….. As usual I became popular wherever I went. Before I met **** I was lonely, I admit it, I knew there was something missing in my life, but what that something was I never knew, after I met **** I precisely knew…..
पहले तो कभो कभी गम था, अब तो हर पल तेरी याद सताती है
पहले तो कभो कभी गम था ,अब तो हर पल तेरी याद रुलाती है
I wrote the above quote coz I was listening to this song from altaf raja, and the first line made perfect sense with my life… actually now life doesn’t seem worth living. It seems im just living for the sake of it. No will no motivation no desire (even if there is any desire It seems to have dissolved or melted down into oblivion) just an intense desire to either die or go into coma. Why these coz I guess there is a deep down in my heart a hope that some day my prince in shining horse will also come and take me away from all my misery but for that first I’ll have to become the snow white and fall into deep sleep. Regress back into the state where one is in mother’s womb with no psychic pain. No tears no feeling just a sense of oblivion, no time, no expectation, no desire, a parasitic existence. I actually tired of looking after myself and my mom and my dad and my bro and my friends and everyone around, now I wish there was some one to take care of me, look after me listen to me understand me just hold my hand let me rest on his chest and cry out and not judge not get scared by the intensity, not dislike me for being dependent and weak. Some one who tells me that “in this world, where you have to be strong and confident for everyone u can be weak and insecure and stupid with me…………….. I will love u no matter what……….” Why this fear of being my weak self and this firm belief that people will not like it……. Well it stems from a lot of things I think, but what I can attribute it to is my life as a whole. As u know I m the elder “daughter” in a family with a defense background, where the dad and mom both worked in the forces at one time or other. So transfers and moving from one place to other was a constant thing. Also mom says that when I was born dad was really happy and that he spend all his time with me, I grew up to be someone who was the center of attraction and was a very pleasant and healthy child. I am always told of good things that I would do, how I would not ask for anything in the market just look at it and say “this is not good ani doesn’t want it”, or how as an infant how I would not wake mom up at night and when hungry would just search under my pillow and take my milk bottle myself and drink it or how as soon as I got a chance I would run out of my house in goa, with my grand dad in my tow, running to a market and how everybody including my parents always loved me, my demeanor, and my personality. In my memories, mainly created from my parent’s tales, I seem to be the strong, bold and happy center of attraction of my family. Then my brother was born three years later and from what my parents say he was completely my slave, following me wherever I went, sharing half of whatever he got, almost like my puppy. And I…… well I was the dare devil who tried to run away from home twice by the time I was in fourth standard over arguments with parents, again the bold, fearless one…… these are the stories I have been hearing and as honey mam or nagpal sir, I don’t remember who exactly, either of them, said the stories we hear have a great impact on us. I guess from here comes the firm belief that I must be strong, bold and fearless. Always smiling to keep my family happy. Why I say this because I don’t know how, when or why I developed this belief that my family will never understand me and my worries and my problems so I never shared my life with any of them and whenever I was sad or quite I always was told that “I am the life of the family and me sitting quietly in a corner changes the whole mood of the family”. Mom always says “when ani is in the house the house seems alive”. I used to take pride in this statement now it feels like a burden. They rely soo much on me I have to be strong for them. I can’t cry in my own house, I can’t sit with my mood off, I have to always be chirpy and happy coz my family depends on me to forget their problems. But in the process they are, most probably unconsciously, putting too much pressure on me and me trying to be the good daughter cannot tell them that also. Its not that I regret playing all these roles its just the fact that everything comes and accumulates in me that I have no outlet that Is frustrating and that is eating me from within, killing me each second. This is why I wish I would just have that one person….. I just got the insight why I want that person to be a guy, u know why, because all my life thanks to my defense background I have been uprooted and replanted every 3 years. I have always lost everything before I was able to find something of significance, so I have not yet learned to trust anyone fully coz no matter how good friends u are distance reduces the intensity of the relationship. Its neither ones fault its just nature and time doing their work……… But if that special some one is a girl she will eventually get married and go off living her life with her family and not be available to me 24*7 as and when I might need. But if I find that special person in a guy I can get married to him against all oppositions and be with him forever, happily or not is to be seen. I always thought that despite having arpita as soon close to me why do I still feel that emptiness I got the answer today while writing to u!!!!!!!! now I feel the resentment towards arpita getting engaged melt away now I can say I am truly happy that she has found her someone special………………. But me…………still waiting…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………........... but why all this today I told u because I met **** yesterday he brought back all those feelings of security, insecurity, of boldness of fear of weakness which I had buried deep in my heart (pushed into the unconscious) without any ceremony and placed such huge defenses on them that I was not even for some time aware that they existed but yesterday he broke open the whole range of defenses and again laid bare the truth of my life, reaffirmed the basic beliefs and experiences I have been denying myself and rekindled the hope that I can find that special guy, the hope I had extinguished long ago, the hope I had given up long ago. He reignited the desires which I had laid to rest with the extreme strictness of the ego and superego…………….. He showed me things I never knew I could ever see, touched me in ways I never knew I could ever be touched, all without even knowing it himself……………….again I very nicely put on the brave front but its only today morning that I am able to see the storm the meeting created in my psyche and now im gathering up the pieces of whatever I have left. This is for him:
"u have no idea what u have done to me, u never touched me physically but u have left me devastated psychologically, I have lost all hope of ever being settled, I have lost hope of ever being happy, I cant even think of ever settling down with anyone, my entire future I can only see myself yearning for what I had with u……..but I know this much that u will never be able to see it coz I will never show it to u, I will never want u to do anything for me, once we fought for each other with the world, I will never ask u to do that again even if that is precisely what I long for u to do. But I will overtly ask u to leave and be happy in ur life. This is a war which I have to fight alone, fight against myself to keep u alive in me. It’s a paradox im fighting against myself, one part of me wants to kill u and become dead from inside again just like the past 6 years and other part wants to keep u alive and be engulfed by the pain of never ever having u completely…………. What an ironical situation whoever wins I will never be complete, it seems like my destiny is to live half live but u have a future go ahead the world is calling u…………… iI am not blaming you for anything, how can I blame the one person who showed me and proved to me that my true self is lovable even if it lasted only for a short time after all u made me believe in myself and my capabilities. I will always pray for u."
Is this masochism as ###### and many others believe…… I don’t know………. May be maybe not …….Thanks for listening anyway and pray for me…………….